The State of
Relationships
What 58,221 people told us about love, disconnection, and the patterns that keep couples stuck.
Jo & Pat, at the top of the C
of all respondents named alone as their deepest vulnerable feeling, more than rejected, more than abandoned, more than hopeless.
19,139 people. The loneliness epidemic lives inside relationships too.
How we move in love
Jo pursuing, Pat being defensive
Pat & Sam both retreating
Jo & Jean both at it
What we’re most hungry for
In stuck moments, what do people wish they felt with their partner?
- 0124,037Like we’re a team
- 0221,509Understood
- 0312,828Loved
- 0412,785Heard
- 058,115Appreciated
What lives under the anger
- 0119,139Alone
- 0217,215Rejected
- 0317,094Sad
- 0412,813Abandoned
- 059,160Hopeless
- 0110,939Not enough
- 026,393A failure
- 036,243Inadequate
- 045,407Unlovable
- 055,174Needy
Too much or not enough?
In the toughest moments of conflict, how do people see themselves?
A near-even split. Whether someone feels too much or not enough, the underlying wound is identical, I am the reason love isn’t working. The shame story is almost universal. Only the flavour differs.
What we do when we’re scared
- 018,548Ask questions
- 028,007Shut down
- 037,700Withdraw
- 045,701Argue
- 055,189Get defensive
- 018,653Shut down
- 027,743Withdraw
- 037,070Get defensive
- 043,343Ask questions
- 053,140Argue
Which pattern is yours?
These are the patterns 58,221 people showed us. The free Empathi assessment shows you and your partner your own in about three minutes.
Take the free assessment →If you recognize your pattern and want to work on it with a person, Empathi’s therapists offer couples therapy in San Francisco, Oakland, and Palo Alto. You can also read about Figs’s approach to the work.
How these numbers have grown
This page updates as more people complete the assessment. It never resets.
41,078 completed assessments. Relentless/pursuer 56.6%, Reluctant/withdrawer 43.4%. “Alone” as the deepest feeling: 33.2% (13,638 people). Pursue-withdraw couples: 74.3%. Not enough vs too much: 52.7% / 47.3%.
August 2026 update: 17,143 new assessments added since the quiz moved into the Empathi app. The clearest shift is that the newer group leans more toward pursuers (56.6% to 58.4% combined). The core patterns held steady across all 58,221 people, which is the point: these are not blips.
Where do you and your partner fall?
Take the free Empathi Relationship Assessment. Find out if you pursue or withdraw, and what it means for your relationship.
Take the Free QuizJoin 58,000+ people who have already discovered their pattern.
The Sovereign Us
Research by Figs O’Sullivan, LMFT, Empathi’s Founder and Couples Therapist.
Data drawn from 58,221 completed relationship assessments. Free to embed.
Data collected through the Empathi Relationship Assessment, 2022–2026. Sample: 58,221 completed assessments. 53,495 participants typed as pursuer or withdrawer. 6,159 couples where both partners completed independently. This is not a clinical study. Findings represent self-reported data from a self-selected population. For media enquiries: figs@empathi.com