Empathi Research

The State of
Relationships

2026
Figs
Figs O’Sullivan, LMFT
Empathi’s Founder & Couples Therapist

What 41,000 people told us about love, disconnection, and the patterns that keep couples stuck.

Based on  41,078 completed assessments  · empathi.com

Jo & Pat — at the top of the C

Finding 01 — The loneliness finding
We asked 41,000 people what they feel deep down when love isn’t working. The most common answer wasn’t anger. It wasn’t resentment. It was alone.
0%

of all respondents named alone as their deepest vulnerable feeling — more than rejected, more than abandoned, more than hopeless.

13,638 people. The loneliness epidemic lives inside relationships too.

Finding 02

How we move in love

Attachment style split — 36,300 people
Relentless vs Reluctant
Relentless Lovers (Pursuers)56.6%
20,552 people
Reluctant Lovers (Withdrawers)43.4%
15,748 people
Jo
Relentless Lover
Pat
Reluctant Lover
5,365 couples — both partners completed
The couple dynamics
5,365
Pursue–Withdraw74.3%
Withdraw–Withdraw13.0%
Pursue–Pursue12.7%
Pursue–Withdraw
Jo pursuing, Pat being defensive
Withdraw–Withdraw
Pat & Sam both retreating
Pursue–Pursue
Jo & Jean both at it
“Both partners in a pursue-withdraw relationship describe their partner as withdrawn. Each person believes the other one is pulling away — at the same time.”
Empathi Research — 41,078 assessments
Finding 03

What we’re most hungry for

In stuck moments, what do people wish they felt with their partner?

Top unmet love needs — all respondents
  • 01
    Like we’re a team
    17,438
  • 02
    Understood
    16,495
  • 03
    Heard
    9,960
  • 04
    Loved
    8,379
  • 05
    Appreciated
    5,782
Finding 04 — The depth underneath

What lives under the anger

Jo — pursuing
Pat — being defensive
Deep vulnerable feelings (Q6)
The soft truth
  • 01
    Alone
    13,638
  • 02
    Rejected
    12,082
  • 03
    Sad
    12,054
  • 04
    Abandoned
    8,833
  • 05
    Hopeless
    6,512
Shame story (Q7)
How we collapse
  • 01
    Not enough
    7,666
  • 02
    A failure
    4,585
  • 03
    Inadequate
    4,534
  • 04
    Needy
    3,801
  • 05
    Unlovable
    3,728
Jo — reaching vulnerably
Pat — opening up
Finding 05

Too much or not enough?

In the toughest moments of conflict, how do people see themselves?

“Not Enough”
A failure or not enough — I can’t seem to make them happy.
52.7%
21,741 people
“Too Much”
Annoying or too much — I’m needy, too emotional, or too demanding.
47.3%
19,537 people

A near-even split. Whether someone feels too much or not enough, the underlying wound is identical — I am the reason love isn’t working. The shame story is almost universal. Only the flavour differs.

“Relentless Lovers pursue until they collapse. Shut down and withdraw are their second and third most common behaviors. What looks like a withdrawer is sometimes a pursuer who has given up.”
Figs O’Sullivan, LMFT — Empathi
Finding 06

What we do when we’re scared

Reactive behaviors — by attachment type
Relentless Lovers
  • 01
    Ask questions
    5,664
  • 02
    Shut down
    5,293
  • 03
    Withdraw
    4,916
  • 04
    Argue
    3,881
  • 05
    Get defensive
    3,588
Reluctant Lovers
  • 01
    Shut down
    6,037
  • 02
    Withdraw
    5,220
  • 03
    Get defensive
    5,105
  • 04
    Ask questions
    2,406
  • 05
    Argue
    2,386
The split between not enough and too much is almost exactly even — 53/47.
Both wounds are nearly universal. Whether someone pursues or withdraws, they collapse on themselves in almost equal numbers.
74% of couples who completed together are pursue-withdraw.
This is not a niche dynamic. It is the dominant architecture of modern relationships.
The number one unmet love need is like we’re a team — not love, not sex.
People aren’t just lonely. They feel abandoned by their closest ally.

Where do you and your partner fall?

Take the free Empathi Relationship Assessment. Find out if you pursue or withdraw — and what it means for your relationship.

Take the Free Quiz

Join 41,000+ people who have already discovered their pattern.

The Sovereign Us

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FigsResearch by Figs O’Sullivan, LMFT — Empathi’s Founder and Couples Therapist.
Data drawn from 41,078 completed relationship assessments. Free to embed.

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Data collected through the Empathi Relationship Assessment, 2022–2026. Sample: 41,078 completed assessments. 36,300 participants typed as pursuer or withdrawer. 5,365 couples where both partners completed independently. This is not a clinical study. Findings represent self-reported data from a self-selected population. For media enquiries: figs@empathi.com