You know, this is one of the most common things I hear sitting across from couples. And I want to be honest with you: the way most people bring up issues almost guarantees a fight before the first sentence is finished.
Here’s what I’ve found after sixteen years of this work. The problem usually isn’t the issue itself. It’s the *entry point*.
When you come in hot, when you lead with the complaint, when you start from your frustration, your partner’s nervous system hears one thing: threat. And once someone feels threatened, they’re not listening to you anymore. They’re protecting themselves. Now you’re not having a conversation about the issue. You’re having a fight about the fight.
So here’s what I want you to think about instead.
Match the energy first. Guide later.
That’s something I say a lot. Before you bring the thing, you need to make contact with your partner as a person. Not as the target of your concern. Not as the person who did the thing. As your person. Check in. Land softly. Let them feel you’re on their side before you say anything that might feel like an accusation.
The second thing I want you to hear is this. Most issues that couples fight about aren’t really about the issue. They’re about the fear underneath the issue. Are you feeling unseen? Unimportant? Like you don’t matter? That’s what needs to be said, not the complaint version of it.
When you can say “I’ve been feeling really disconnected from you and I miss us” instead of “you never make time for me,” you’re speaking from your vulnerability, not your defense. And vulnerability, even when it’s scary, tends to open doors rather than slam them.
Think of it like this: imagine your relationship is a house. Most people try to fix the plumbing by throwing rocks at the windows. You need to walk up to the front door, knock gently, and wait to be invited in.
Start with connection, not correction. Start with “us” before you move to “you.” And for God’s sake, pick your moment. Don’t try to process the dishwasher situation when your partner just walked in from a twelve-hour day looking like they’ve been hit by a truck.
The real skill here isn’t learning how to fight better. It’s learning how to love people well enough that they feel safe hearing hard things from you.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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