Look, I’m going to start by saying something that might feel harsh but needs to be said: you cannot co-parent with a narcissist the way you would co-parent with a healthy former partner. You just can’t. And every time you try, you’re setting yourself up for pain.
A healthy co-parenting relationship requires two people who can set aside their ego needs for the good of the children, at least some of the time. Your narcissistic ex is structurally unable to do that consistently. Not unwilling. Unable. That’s not an excuse for their behavior, but it changes your entire strategy.
If you keep trying to appeal to their empathy, their fairness, their sense of what’s right for the kids, you’ll keep getting burned. You’re speaking a language they genuinely cannot hear.
Here’s what actually works: You parallel parent, not co-parent. You stop trying to have a collaborative relationship and start running two separate households with minimal contact and maximum structure. Think of it like two neighboring countries with strict border controls, not like roommates sharing a house.
Communication in writing only. Business tone only. No emotional content whatsoever. “Johnny has soccer practice Tuesday at 4pm. Please have him there 15 minutes early with his cleats.” Period. You treat it like a contract negotiation, not a relationship.
Second, you protect your own inner world like your life depends on it. Because honestly, your sanity does. When they say something designed to destabilize you (and they will), your job isn’t to respond. Your job is to notice what just happened inside you, take care of that part of yourself, then respond from a grounded place or not at all.
Your children need you regulated above all else. They’re already navigating something confusing and painful with their other parent. The most protective thing you can do is be the steady one. The parent who doesn’t speak badly about the other parent, not because that parent deserves protection, but because your kids deserve to not be caught in the crossfire.
And here’s the hardest part: you may need to grieve the co-parenting relationship you wished you had. The one where you both put the kids first. The one where you could actually talk things through. That dream is real, and losing it hurts like hell.
The path forward isn’t about getting them to change or see reason. It’s about accepting what is and building the strongest possible foundation for yourself and your children within that reality. Your kids don’t need perfect co-parents. They need one parent who is consistently, reliably okay.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
