Let’s slow down for a second, because “trust issues ruining my relationship” is doing a lot of work in a very small sentence. I want to understand what’s actually happening for you.
Here’s what I’ve learned in 16 years of sitting with couples: when someone says “trust issues,” they usually mean one of a few very different things. And the distinction matters enormously.
Sometimes trust issues mean: “You did something that broke my trust.” A betrayal. A lie. A pattern of dishonesty. Something concrete happened, and now the ground doesn’t feel solid anymore. That’s real. That’s a wound that needs tending.
Sometimes trust issues mean: “I don’t know how to trust, because I never really learned how.” This is the person who, long before this relationship, learned that depending on someone means getting hurt. So they’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always scanning for evidence that this person, too, will eventually let them down.
And sometimes it’s both. Your partner did something that triggered something very old in you, and now you can’t tell where the present injury ends and the old wound begins.
Here’s what I want you to sit with: trust isn’t rebuilt through reassurance alone. I see couples try this all the time. One partner keeps asking “do you still love me, are you sure, promise me,” and the other keeps promising, and nothing actually changes. The reassurance doesn’t hold.
What actually rebuilds trust is what I call the proof of work of love. It’s the visible, felt evidence that your partner shows up for you in hard moments, that they choose connection over self-protection when things get painful between you. Not grand gestures. Small, repeated, consistent moments of “I see you and I’m still here.”
Think of trust like a muscle. You don’t rebuild a torn muscle by talking about how strong it used to be. You rebuild it through careful, consistent movement. Through repeated experience that yes, this thing can hold weight again.
But here’s the kicker: if you’re the one with trust issues that seem to come from nowhere, from your own history, then you’ve got to do some of your own work too. You can’t keep asking your partner to prove their trustworthiness while you’re secretly convinced that no one is actually trustworthy. That’s not fair to either of you.
The real question isn’t whether trust issues are ruining your relationship. The real question is whether you’re both willing to do the work to rebuild it. Because trust, once lost or never properly learned, doesn’t just magically reappear. It gets built in the trenches of daily life, one small reliable act at a time.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
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