Living proof of work
By Fiachra "Figs" O'Sullivan
I didn’t come to this work because therapy fascinated me. I came because my own life stopped working the way it looked like it should.From the outside, things were fine. I was capable, articulate, and productive. But inside, my body was always braced. My relationships began to feel like another place I was trying not to fail. The strategies that had carried me through work and life started to cost more than they gave back.Teale and I are husband-and-wife couples therapists because we live inside these questions ourselves. We know what it’s like to be intelligent, devoted, and still miss each other. To manage the world well and struggle at home. Our work helps people slow things down enough for safety, repair, and real connection to return.If your relationship works on paper but feels strained in private, if you’re tired of holding it all together, you’re in the right place.
The Agony of the In-Between
You are living in the most painful place in the world. It is the limbo. You wake up in the morning and you don’t know if you are a partner or a stranger. We call this the “Mixed Agenda” dynamic.
One of you is likely the “Leaning In” partner. You are trying everything. You are reading the books. You are suggesting therapy. You feel like you are screaming into a void and nobody is listening. You are terrified of losing your family.
The other is the “Leaning Out” partner. You aren’t cold. You are just done. You feel suffocated. You have been lonely in this relationship for a long time. You have built a wall to protect your heart because it hurts too much to keep it open. The idea of “working on it” feels exhausting because you have already worked on it for years in your own head.
Standard couples therapy often fails you here. It tries to force you to connect when you aren’t even sure you want to be in the room.
We see you. We know that the “Waltz of Pain” you are dancing has left you both bruised. You don’t need to fix it today. You just need clarity.
Real Therapists. Real Relationships.
We are Figs and Teale O’Sullivan. We are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists. But more importantly we are a couple who has had to fight for our own love. We didn’t learn this just from textbooks. We learned it in the trenches.
We founded Empathi here in San Francisco because we saw that traditional therapy was failing smart and successful people. We use a proprietary blend of the Empathi Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT is the gold standard for attachment work. It isn’t about teaching you “communication skills” like you are in a boardroom. It is about understanding the raw biological bond that ties you together. It is about seeing the “sharks in the water” that drive your fights.
The Best Trained Team in the Bay
We are incredibly picky. We only hire therapists who have done their own work. We believe that you can only take a client as deep as you have gone yourself. Every therapist at our Sutter Street office has been trained directly by us in the Empathi Method. They understand the nervous system. They understand that when you are fighting about the dishes you are really fighting for your emotional survival. They won’t judge you. They won’t take sides. They will hold the container safe enough for you to fall apart and put yourself back together.
A Path to Certainty
Discernment Counseling is not an endless process. It is a short-term assessment project.
1 to 5 Sessions: Most couples find the clarity they need within this specific timeframe.
3 Paths: There are only three outcomes. Path 1 is the status quo. Path 2 is separation. Path 3 is a 6-month all-in effort to reconcile.
No Regrets: Studies show that couples who go through this process feel more confident in their final decision. You save yourself years of “what if” and second-guessing.
Clinical research shows that 86% of couples improve after a brief period of EFT guidance, and 73% have maintained their improvements when we check back two years later.
Empathi's Methods
are proven to help
Clinical research shows that 86% of couples improve after a brief period of EFT guidance, and 73% have maintained their improvements when we check back two years later.
Who This Is For
This specific protocol is for you if:
You are considering divorce but aren’t 100% sure yet.
Your partner wants to save the marriage but you feel too exhausted to try.
You have tried couples therapy before and it felt like a waste of time.
There has been an affair and you don’t know if trust can ever be rebuilt.
You want to be able to look your children in the eye and say “we tried everything” before you separate.
Stop struggling. Book your call now.
Now is the best time to strengthen your relationship
Why Traditional Therapy Fails Mixed-Agenda Couples
Why does traditional couples therapy fail when one of you wants out?
It fails because it assumes a “We.”
In a mixed-agenda couple the “We” is broken. The Leaning Out partner is protecting their individuality because the “We” feels dangerous or suffocating. The Leaning In partner is frantically trying to re-establish the “We” because the separation feels life-threatening.
When a traditional therapist asks you to “turn toward each other” and share vulnerability the Leaning Out partner feels coerced. Their nervous system goes into “Freeze” or “Flight.” They shut down. The Leaning In partner sees this shutdown and panics. They enter “Fight” mode. The therapy session itself becomes a reenactment of your trauma.
Discernment Counseling is different. We respect the distance. We treat the ambivalence as wisdom rather than resistance.
We spend time with you individually. We let the Leaning Out partner speak freely about their desire to leave without their partner falling apart in the next chair. We let the Leaning In partner express their fear without chasing their partner out of the room.
We stop the bleeding. We put the relationship on a shelf for a moment and look at it together. Is it dead? Is it in a coma? Or is it just buried under years of resentments that can be mined for gold?
We use the concept of “Proof-of-Work.” Love isn’t just a feeling. It is a system. It requires effort to maintain. We help you see if you both have the capacity and the willingness to put in the Proof-of-Work required to rebuild. If not we help you accept that reality with grace.
Acceptance The hardest part is just
getting started.
getting started.
Healing starts with accepting you need help, booking a free consult, and showing up as you are. Everything that comes next will be easier as you're held by an Empathi therapist and a proven process. From now on, you're not alone in this.
Alliance Feel like you're on the
same team again.
same team again.
Explore your process and discover a unified narrative where neither of you are wrong or right, “the good one,” or “the bad one.” Learn to approach suffering and conflicts as an “us” problem instead of a “them” problem or a “me” problem.
Empathy See the hurt and love behind their reactivity.
Strengthen your new narrative by accessing empathy to recognize the root of each other’s reactivity, how much you matter to each other, and what love is. Understand the cycles you get into with the help of your Figs.
Vulnerability Share the hurt and love behind your reactivity.
Get to know, live in, and share your vulnerable feelings. Then, learn to let in the ways that those feelings are understood and accepted by your partner through the power of the Empathi method and Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy.
Connection Feel deeply and securely bonded to one another.
Mend your relationship and your wounds through the understanding that you matter to each other. Learn to grieve, show up for, heal, and accept the most vulnerable parts inside of each other without sacrificing those parts in yourselves.
Resilience Rely on your bond to get out of stuck moments.
Having proved your ability to resolve long-standing issues, heated conflicts, and negative cycles, face your future together with a certainty that you will not only survive those moments, but grow stronger and more connected because of them.
Acceptance The hardest part is just
getting started.
getting started.
Healing starts with accepting you need help, booking a free consult, and showing up as you are. Everything that comes next will be easier as you're held by an Empathi therapist and a proven process. From now on, you're not alone in this.
Alliance Feel like you're on the
same team again.
same team again.
Explore your process and discover a unified narrative where neither of you are wrong or right, “the good one,” or “the bad one.” Learn to approach suffering and conflicts as an “us” problem instead of a “them” problem or a “me” problem.
Empathy See the hurt and love behind their reactivity.
Strengthen your new narrative by accessing empathy to recognize the root of each other’s reactivity, how much you matter to each other, and what love is. Understand the cycles you get into with the help of your Figs.
Vulnerability Share the hurt and love behind your reactivity.
Get to know, live in, and share your vulnerable feelings. Then, learn to let in the ways that those feelings are understood and accepted by your partner through the power of the Empathi method and Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy.
Connection Feel deeply and securely bonded to one another.
Mend your relationship and your wounds through the understanding that you matter to each other. Learn to grieve, show up for, heal, and accept the most vulnerable parts inside of each other without sacrificing those parts in yourselves.
Resilience Rely on your bond to get out of stuck moments.
Having proved your ability to resolve long-standing issues, heated conflicts, and negative cycles, face your future together with a certainty that you will not only survive those moments, but grow stronger and more connected because of them.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What is discernment counseling? A: Discernment counseling is a short-term therapy for couples who are on the brink of divorce. It is distinct from traditional marriage counseling because it does not assume you want to stay together. It is an assessment phase to help you decide if you want to work on the relationship.
Q: How is this different from marriage counseling? A: Marriage counseling works best when both partners are ready to do the work. Discernment counseling is designed for “mixed-agenda” couples where one wants to leave and one wants to stay. It respects the ambivalence rather than trying to force a connection.
Q: How long does discernment counseling take? A: It is brief. Typically it lasts between 1 and 5 sessions. The goal is not to fix the problems but to determine if they are fixable.
Q: Can we do this if my partner refuses to come? A: Discernment counseling requires both people. However if your partner refuses you can come for “Hopeful Spouse” coaching individually. Often the reluctant partner agrees to come once they understand we won’t pressure them to stay.
Q: Do you take insurance? A: We are an out-of-network provider. We provide superbills for PPO reimbursement. This allows us to keep your records private and avoids labeling you with a psychiatric diagnosis which stays on your permanent medical record.
The Dynamics We Resolve
The Walkaway Partner You have been grieving this relationship alone for years. You signaled your unhappiness but your partner didn’t hear you until you said “I’m leaving.” Now they are scrambling but you feel it is too little and too late.
The Blindsided Partner You thought things were okay. Maybe a little stale but okay. Now your world has exploded. You are in shock. You are willing to do anything to save it but your partner seems cold and distant.
The Toxic Cycle You have the same fight every week. It follows a script. One attacks and one defends. One pursues and one withdraws. You are both exhausted by the “Waltz of Pain” but you don’t know how to change the music.
The Affair A third person has entered the room. The safety is shattered. You are asking yourself if you can ever feel safe again. You need to know if the betrayal was a symptom of a dying marriage or a mistake that can be healed.
Issue 5: Parenting Stress You have become excellent “Co-Managers” of your children but you have lost your lover. You look at your partner and see a parent but you don’t see the person you fell in love with.
Acceptance The hardest part is just
getting started.
getting started.
Healing starts with accepting you need help, booking a free consult, and showing up as you are. Everything that comes next will be easier as you're held by an Empathi therapist and a proven process. From now on, you're not alone in this.
Alliance Feel like you're on the
same team again.
same team again.
Explore your process and discover a unified narrative where neither of you are wrong or right, “the good one,” or “the bad one.” Learn to approach suffering and conflicts as an “us” problem instead of a “them” problem or a “me” problem.
Empathy See the hurt and love behind their reactivity.
Strengthen your new narrative by accessing empathy to recognize the root of each other’s reactivity, how much you matter to each other, and what love is. Understand the cycles you get into with the help of your Figs.
Vulnerability Share the hurt and love behind your reactivity.
Get to know, live in, and share your vulnerable feelings. Then, learn to let in the ways that those feelings are understood and accepted by your partner through the power of the Empathi method and Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy.
Connection Feel deeply and securely bonded to one another.
Mend your relationship and your wounds through the understanding that you matter to each other. Learn to grieve, show up for, heal, and accept the most vulnerable parts inside of each other without sacrificing those parts in yourselves.
Resilience Rely on your bond to get out of stuck moments.
Having proved your ability to resolve long-standing issues, heated conflicts, and negative cycles, face your future together with a certainty that you will not only survive those moments, but grow stronger and more connected because of them.
Tried Before?
“We Already Tried Therapy”
Most couples wait six years after problems start before seeking help. By then the patterns are deep. If you went to a therapist who just taught you “active listening” or “I statements” it is no wonder it failed.
You cannot cognitive-behavior your way out of an attachment panic.
When your partner gives you “the look” or turns their back your amygdala lights up. You aren’t thinking. You are reacting. We don’t just talk. We work with the nervous system. We help you change the felt experience of the relationship.
Our 3-Phase Discernment Protocol
We move through three distinct phases in Discernment Counseling:
Phase 1: Clarity We stop the immediate crisis. We call a ceasefire. We normalize the chaos you are feeling so you can think clearly again. We lower the temperature in the room so your nervous system can come out of survival mode.
Phase 2: Understanding We map out your cycle. “When I feel lonely I criticize you. When I criticize you you feel inadequate and withdraw. When you withdraw I feel even lonelier.” We help you see that the enemy is not your partner. The enemy is the cycle.
Phase 3: The Decision We look at the three paths. We help you make a choice based on reality rather than fear. If you choose to separate we help you do it with integrity. If you choose to stay we transition you into a structured 6-month Couples Therapy contract with clear goals.
We’re 5 Stars On Yelp!
Why Yelp Chooses Empathi Marriage Counseling
Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) provides our team at Empathi with an understanding of the emotional bonds between partners so that we can identify and work toward moments that strengthen and harmonize that emotional connection.
We use attachment-based frameworks to understand the ways very early bonds inform our adult behavior and choice of partner, as well as the ways our relationship with our partners inform how we understand those early bonds today. Being in a committed partnership then becomes more than just an agreement between two lovers – it is a healing art, a restorative power in the lives of both individuals.
Seeking the safety and containment of professional psychotherapy is a monumental first step on the road to turning painful patterns into a productive partnership. Committed exploration and a willingness to be curious and vulnerable about what is motivating one’s own behavior, reactivity, patterns, and choices can bring about positive change for your relationship – whether it’s steering a particular issue, transitioning toward compromise, or simply bringing about a newly deepened sense of passion and commitment.
But don't take it from us!
Take it from our clients via our direct Yelp page feed.
"With Empathi, Figs has created a fun and creative way to help people feel more connected in their relationship and to become acquainted with the transformational power of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy."
Dr. Sue Johnson
Creator of Emotionally-Focused Therapy for Couples
Your Roadmap
The Assessment: You fill out a confidential questionnaire. We see the system before you walk in.
The Individual Sessions: We split you up. This is where the real truth comes out. Safe. Confidential.
The Joint Wrap-Up: We come back together to share what we have learned but only what is safe to share.
Empathi Marriage Counseling Near You
Find your city or schedule your free consult now and we’ll find the right therapist for you!
Empathi's
Therapy Services
Find the right counseling services for your situation.
Marriage Counseling
- Recognize the negative cycles you create together.
- Stop being so disappointed in each other.
- Connect in a deeper and more authentic way.
- Get back to experiencing joy, laughter, and fun together.
- Empathize with each other around stressful conflicts
- Learn to weather difficult times together.
Couples Therapy
- Stop having the same argument(s) over and over again.
- Recover from infidelity or other breaches of trust.
- Return to a deeper level of intimacy.
- Work on your relationship even though your partner doesn't seem available.
- Navigate life transitions from a place of connection and understanding of each other.
Couples Therapy
for Parents
- Learn to navigate parenting style differences.
- Get "unstuck" from disconnected routines and repetitive arguments.
- Get back in touch with a genuine appreciation for each other.
- Feel like you're on the same team again.
- Build a secure foundation your kid(s) will come to for support and look to as a model.
Individual Relationship
Therapy Services
- Break out of cyclical relation.ship issues through individual exploration
- Work through the unresolved trauma that's holding you back.
- Discover effective treatments for depression with the right ally and guide.
- Heal stubborn and pervasive self-esteem wounds.
- Become all you can be through a process of self-reclamation.