Orphan Sovereignty — a clinical lens from my forthcoming book, applied to current news on this hub.
What this lens is
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I often joke that I work like an orphan in search of belonging. Most modern relationship advice will tell you that the ultimate goal of adulthood is total independence. You are told to set rigid boundaries, protect your peace, and never rely on anyone else for your happiness. As a couples therapist, I look at this cultural obsession with hyper independence and I see something entirely different. I see a trauma response. I call it Orphan Sovereignty.
Orphan sovereignty is what happens when you mistake isolation for maturity. Many of us spend our lives chasing achievement to earn a seat at a table that was never ours. We are frantically trying to fill a void left by an environment or caregivers who could not give us stable ground. Because needing others felt dangerous when we were young, we build a fortress of self reliance and call it healing. We convince ourselves that if we just work hard enough and need little enough, we will finally be safe.
I see the clinical results of this dynamic in my office every single week. A brilliant, highly successful individual sits on my couch. They have done years of personal development. They meditate, they journal, and they know all the right psychological vocabulary. Yet they are profoundly alone. They operate under the illusion that because they can stand completely on their own, they have achieved true sovereignty. When conflict arises in their relationship, they do not lean in to do the slow work of repair. They simply detach. They think they are making a sovereign choice, but they are actually just a terrified kid running a sophisticated survival strategy. They want connection without risk, which means they get no real connection at all.
True orphan sovereignty is not about building walls to keep the world out. It is the grueling, beautiful work of becoming the witness you never had. It means learning to belong to yourself first. You must turn toward your own vulnerability and feel the ache of what was missing without collapsing into shame. When you finally provide that secure base for yourself, the work you do stops being a desperate substitute for the belonging you never received. You stop using independence as a shield and finally develop the capacity to stand on your own two feet while holding someone else’s hand.
Explore the essays below to see exactly how orphan sovereignty is showing up in our culture, our relationships, and your own nervous system.
Get the chapters as they are written
Orphan Sovereignty is one of the lenses in my forthcoming book, Proof of Work: From Fiat Life to Thriving in the AI Age, with Greenleaf in 2027. The waitlist is my Substack, where the chapters are being written in public.
Essays applying this lens to current events
Essays applying this lens to current news will appear here as they publish.
Read more about the book · About Figs
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Figs O'Sullivan
Founder · EFT couples therapist
“What I would tell you at 10pm, if I could.”