So you’ve landed on what I think is the most heartbreaking dynamic in all of romantic love. Let me tell you what I actually see when I sit with couples caught in this pattern, because I think most of what you’ve heard about it is only half the story.
Here’s the thing. We tend to talk about this like one person is the anxious one and the other person is the avoidant one, as if those are just fixed personality traits, like eye color or something. But what I want you to really hear is this: those two people together create a system. Neither one of them is broken. Neither one of them is the villain. They are both, right now, trying their best not to hurt.
The harder you reach for connection, the further they retreat.
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There are really only two questions being asked in a love relationship. The first one is “Are you there for me?” And all the variations of that: “Do I matter to you? Do you see me? Am I loved?” The second question is “Am I enough for you?” And all the variations of that: “Am I acceptable? Am I a disappointment? Am I going to be too much or not enough?”
Now here’s the tragedy. The person asking “are you there for me” often signals, without meaning to, something that sounds to their partner like “you are on your way to being a disappointment.” Maybe it’s in the tone, the frequency, the urgency. And the moment that signal lands, the person whose deepest wound is around “am I enough” feels it. They felt it when they were small. They felt it from a parent or a world that kept telling them they weren’t quite cutting it. And so they do the only thing that makes sense. They pull back. They go quiet. They get busy. They disappear a little.
And then what does that disappearing signal to the person asking “are you there for me?” It signals: see, I told you. You’re not really here. You don’t really love me. Which means they double down. They pursue harder. Which means their partner contracts harder. And on it goes.
Two people. Both wanting exactly the same thing. Both doing the thing that makes it impossible to get there.
The harder you reach for connection, the further they retreat.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
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Ask Figlet about the anxious avoidant loop.
Most mainstream advice will tell the anxious person to ask for their needs more clearly, and will tell the avoidant person to open up more. And God love them for trying, but that advice often makes things worse. Because the moment you make a clear request of someone whose deepest fear is that they’re a disappointment, their body is already on high alert before you’ve finished your sentence.
What I’d invite you to consider instead is this. Underneath every criticism, every pursuit, every “you’re never there for me,” there is a vulnerable experience. There’s someone who is scared and sad and quietly terrified they don’t matter. And underneath every withdrawal, every avoidance, every “I just need space,” there is also a vulnerable experience. There’s someone who is scared and sad and quietly terrified they are a profound disappointment.
When you can find that vulnerable experience in yourself, and share it without a request attached, without asking the other person to do anything with it, just leaving it in the room, something shifts. Because you’re no longer a threat to each other. You’re just two people who are hurting, and you can finally see each other.
This is not a you problem or a them problem. This is a system you’ve built together. And the same way you built it together, you can rebuild it together. That’s the work.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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