Look, I see this pattern constantly in my office. One person’s attachment system is on fire, the other person feels like they can’t do anything right, and before you know it, you’re both living in this exhausting cycle where nobody feels good.
Your attachment insecurity isn’t some fundamental flaw you need to fix before you’re worthy of love. It’s information. Your nervous system learned early on whether people were safe, whether they’d stick around, whether you mattered. And now when your partner seems distant or distracted, that old alarm system goes off screaming “DANGER” even though they’re just having a rough day at work.
Your partner comes home quiet, maybe scrolls their phone during dinner.
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Here’s what usually happens. Let’s say you’re on the anxious side. Your partner comes home quiet, maybe scrolls their phone during dinner. Your system reads this as rejection, abandonment brewing. So you escalate. You ask what’s wrong seventeen times. You pick a fight about the dishes. You need reassurance NOW.
Or maybe you’re more avoidant. Same scenario, but instead of pursuing, you shut down. You go cold before they can reject you. You tell yourself you don’t need anyone anyway. Either way, you’re both miserable.
The cruel irony is that the very thing you’re trying to prevent, you often create. Push too hard for connection, and your partner backs away. Pull too far back, and they stop trying to reach you.
But here’s the thing that changes everything: the goal isn’t to stop having attachment needs. The goal is to name them without shame. Instead of “You never pay attention to me anymore!” try “I’m getting scared that I’m losing you.” Instead of silent treatment, try “I’m shutting down because this feels overwhelming.”
Your partner comes home quiet, maybe scrolls their phone during dinner.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about attachment insecurity ruining relationship.
This requires your partner to step up too. They need to learn that your attachment fears aren’t personal attacks. When you say “I got scared,” they need to move toward you, not roll their eyes.
I tell couples all the time: attachment insecurity is like having a smoke detector that’s way too sensitive. It goes off when you burn toast, not just when there’s an actual fire. You don’t throw out the smoke detector. You learn to tell the difference between toast and fire, and you get a partner who doesn’t shame you for having a sensitive alarm system.
The real work isn’t becoming less attached. It’s becoming more aware of when your system is activated, slowing down enough to name what’s happening, and building trust that your person can handle your humanity without running for the hills.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Your Love Pattern Shapes Your Bond
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