So, here’s the thing I want you to really sit with first. If you’ve got anxious tendencies in how you attach, you are not broken. You are not “too much.” What’s actually happening is that you’ve got a wound inside you that keeps asking one core question, and it’s asking it constantly, even when you don’t realize it: Are you there for me?
That question shows up as: Do I matter to you? Are you really here with me? Am I special to you? Do you love me? Do you see me?
And here’s the tragic part. The moment you start sending that signal to a prospective partner, especially someone who already carries their own wound around Am I enough? Am I acceptable?, they feel it. Even before you’ve said a word explicitly. And they start to contract. They pull back a little. Not because they don’t like you. Not because you’re too much. But because to them, your signal reads as: I’m already on my way to being disappointed in you.
So then they pull away to protect themselves from feeling like a disappointment. And what does that look like to you? It looks like confirmation. See, they’re not really here. So you lean in more. Ask for more. Give them some “value added feedback” on how they could show up better. Which makes them feel even more threatened. Which makes them pull away more. And now you’re in the cycle.
That cycle is not a character flaw. It’s a system. You two built it together. Neither of you is the villain.
The biggest thing you can do is learn to share your vulnerability without attaching a request to it.
Here’s what I mean. When you’re on a date and you start to feel that pull, that little flicker of are they really here with me?, instead of asking a question of them, instead of making a request, see if you can just name what’s happening inside you. Without asking them to fix it. Without framing it as something they did wrong.
Something like: “I notice I’m feeling a little unsure right now, like I’m wondering if I’m landing with you.” That’s it. No request at the end. You just put it on the table and leave it there.
Why does this matter? Because the moment you make a request of someone who already fears being a disappointment, their whole system goes on high alert. The request lands like an alarm. I am on my way to failing this person. And they shut down or flee before you’ve even finished your sentence. Your vulnerability never gets received. And that’s the tragedy.
But when you just share the vulnerable experience, no request, no question, no instruction on how they could do better, you give their nervous system a chance to stay present. You’re less threatening. And a lot of the time, they’ll actually move toward you. Not because you asked them to. But because a real human being just showed them something soft and real, and their own longing for connection gets activated.
The second thing is about the micro-moments. If you’re with someone who goes heady on a first date, talking about ideas and concepts and staying in their brain, try not to interpret that as lack of interest. That is almost certainly their area of competency coming forward because they’re scared. The intellectual mask is their nervous system’s way of saying I’m not sure I’m safe yet. Your job isn’t to challenge it. Validate the hell out of what they’re bringing. And if there’s a natural moment, a little touch on the arm, something that signals to their body you are safe here, that can do more than any clever question ever could.
And third, the hardest one. Watch your tendency to interpret ambiguity as rejection. Those few days of silence you might experience early on? Your system will immediately start writing a story. They’re not here. I knew it. Good things don’t last. That story is old. It belongs to a much younger version of you. It doesn’t necessarily belong to this new person in front of you.
The work of dating with anxious attachment isn’t about suppressing that part of yourself. It’s about getting curious about it. When you notice yourself wanting to chase, ask for reassurance, give feedback on how they could show up better, pause. Ask yourself: what is the actual vulnerable experience I’m having right now? Then share that. Just that. Without the ask.
That’s where connection actually lives. Not in the request. In the revelation.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Your Love Pattern Shapes Your Bond
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