This page reports what 58,221 completed relationship assessments show about attachment styles: how people actually move when love feels threatened. It is a companion to our full relationship statistics report. The data was collected through the Empathi and Figs relationship assessments and analyzed by Figs O’Sullivan, LMFT, a couples therapist of 17 years specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
The headline numbers
From Empathi’s own research: in 58,221 completed relationship assessments, 58.4% came out as pursuers and 41.6% as withdrawers of the 53,495 people typed. Pursuers who collapse often look like withdrawers.
Pursuers outnumber withdrawers in our data. Here is why.
Of 53,495 people whose conflict movement could be classified, 31,190 (58.4 percent) move toward their partner under threat, protesting the disconnection, while 22,253 (41.6 percent) move away to protect the relationship from more conflict.
It makes complete clinical sense that 58.4 percent of our 58,221 assessment takers identify as Relentless Lovers, or pursuers. When a relationship is struggling, it is almost always the pursuer who stays up until midnight searching for answers and taking relationship quizzes. Through the attachment lens, pursuers experience disconnection as an immediate threat to survival. Their nervous system screams that they are being abandoned, so they protest. They get loud, they get fast, and they reach out to solve the problem. The Reluctant Lovers, our 41.6 percent withdrawers, handle the exact same attachment panic by retreating to protect themselves from failure. Because their defense is silence and avoidance, they are rarely the ones initiating the search for help.
What happens when both partners take the assessment
6,159 couples in the dataset completed the assessment independently, giving us a rare look at real pairings rather than individuals: 74.1 percent are pursue-withdraw pairings, and about 12 percent are withdraw-withdraw (the quiet, distant marriages that rarely look like they are fighting at all).
Among the 6,159 couples where both partners completed the assessment, a massive 74.1 percent are classic pursue-withdraw pairings. This is the ultimate proof of how relationships work. We do not choose our partners by accident. We unconsciously select the exact person whose defensive strategy triggers our deepest raw spots, and whose raw spots are triggered by ours. Your protector meets their protector. When the Relentless Lover protests, it lands on the Reluctant Lover as criticism, causing them to withdraw. This withdrawal then triggers the Relentless Lover’s fear of abandonment, making them protest even harder. It is a perfectly interlocking system, a waltz of pain that you co-create together.
The two feelings underneath: alone, and not enough
Asked what they most deeply feel when their relationship struggles, 32.9 percent of all 58,221 people said alone, ahead of feeling rejected, criticized, or controlled. And 52 percent carry the underlying fear that they are not enough for their partner.
Underneath all the noise of your fights, your nervous systems are only asking two questions. The first is, Are you there for me? When 32.9 percent of people say their deepest feeling in a struggling relationship is being alone, that is the raw cry of the unsatisfied pursuer who cannot find their partner. The second question is, Am I enough for you? The fact that 52 percent of people carry the fear that they are not enough is the silent dread of the withdrawer, who feels like a constant disappointment. These numbers reveal the raw, vulnerable heartbeat underneath our fights. We are not bad people; we are just human beings desperately struggling to matter to each other.
How this compares with academic attachment research
Academic research classifies people by attachment security. The most-cited nationally representative U.S. study (Mickelson, Kessler and Shaver’s national survey data) found roughly 59 percent of adults secure, 25 percent avoidant, and 11 percent anxious. Our lens is deliberately different: instead of classifying how secure you are, the Empathi assessment maps which direction you move when connection feels threatened, because that is what shows up in a fight and that is what couples can learn to see and change. The two lenses are complementary. Anxious patterns typically show up as pursuit, avoidant patterns as withdrawal, and even securely attached people have a default direction under enough stress. Our sample also skews toward people actively worried about their relationship, which is exactly why pursuers are overrepresented compared with the general population.
Related and more specific: take a relationship quiz
Methodology
Data comes from 58,221 completed relationship assessments (41,078 via empathi.com and 17,143 via Figlet), self-reported, collected through 2026, including 6,159 couples where both partners completed independently. Full findings, including unmet love needs and reactive behaviors by type, are in the complete relationship statistics report. Journalists and researchers may cite these figures with attribution to Empathi Research; for questions or the underlying breakdowns, contact us.
Which way do you move?
Talk to Figlet about your pattern, or take the same free assessment these 58,221 people took. First 10 messages free.
This is not a you problem or a them problem
“When two insecurely attached people interact, their protector strategies collide to form a negative feedback loop I call the Waltz of Pain. Your protector meets your partner’s protector. Their protector meets yours. Two childhood strategies collide, and the relationship becomes a reenactment of wounds neither partner caused.”
“Neither partner is the villain. They are two younger selves inside adult bodies trying to stay safe in the only ways they once knew.”
Figs O’Sullivan, LMFT
Frequently Asked Questions
What percentage of people are pursuers versus withdrawers in relationships?
In Empathi’s dataset of 58,221 relationship assessments, 58.4 percent of classifiable respondents move as pursuers (protesting disconnection) and 41.6 percent as withdrawers (retreating under conflict). The sample skews toward people actively seeking relationship help, which overrepresents pursuers.
What is the most common attachment pairing in couples?
Among 6,159 couples where both partners completed the Empathi assessment independently, 74.1 percent are pursue-withdraw pairings: one partner protests disconnection while the other retreats. About 12 percent are withdraw-withdraw couples.
What percentage of adults have a secure attachment style?
Nationally representative U.S. research by Mickelson, Kessler and Shaver found roughly 59 percent of adults secure, 25 percent avoidant, and 11 percent anxious. Empathi’s data uses a complementary lens, mapping conflict movement (pursue versus withdraw) rather than security classification.
