Ben Reebs In Love...

Ben Reebs In Love

In this episode, Ben shares his most vulnerable moments and mistakes in love, from the trail of wreckage behind him, to the beautiful sky that awaits ahead. The conversion runs deep, acknowledging the dark and light of intimacy in all relationships.

Shame biologically speaking is this momentary message that you have to stop paying attention to what you are paying attention to. — Fiachra Figs O’Sullivan

Portland based naturopathic doctor, Ben Reebs, joins Figs as the second guest in the Who Are you in Love series. As a fellow healer, Ben helps his patients restore their bodies, awakening them to the innate healing mechanism that we all have.

In this episode, Ben shares his most vulnerable moments and mistakes in love, from the trail of wreckage behind him, to the beautiful sky that awaits ahead. The conversion runs deep, acknowledging the dark and light of intimacy in all relationships.

Figs asks a couple of key questions that are worth exploring in your own relationship:

  • Is there an image or place that captures love for you?
  • Do you have a sense of your go-to judgements in relationship?

Ben answers with an honesty and authenticity that all listeners can relate to and encourages everyone to share by admitting that expressing vulnerability inspires.

Reminder from Figs: No one said it would be easy to be someone primary attachment figure. So have some empathy for yourself.

Curious to learn more about Who You are in Love? Take the free quiz at Empathi.com. Everyone needs help and guidance. In Fig words, empathi.com is my attempt to get that out there to everybody not just people that are willing to access psychotherapy. Access to help is our birthright and should not be limited by location or money or stigma.

Who Are You in Love is a recurring interview series in the Empathi with Figs podcast that features a variety of real people sharing their stories of love, conflict, and repair. With humor, compassion and authenticity, Figs and his guests dive deeply together into the struggles and joys of navigating relationship and conflict all while highlighting our universal need for love and connection. If you´d like to be interviewed, or have someone you think would be great for the show please email Figs.

The Empathi Quiz

Every couple has a pattern they cannot see. Find yours.

In love, each of you is a Relentless or a Reluctant, which makes you one of three kinds of couple: Relentless and Reluctant, two Relentless, or two Reluctant. The free quiz reveals your creatures and the cycle they fall into together. About three minutes.

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Figs O'Sullivan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #79062) and the founder of Empathi. For 17 years he has helped couples move out of disconnection and back into secure, loving connection, drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment science. With his wife Teale, he runs a San Francisco couples therapy practice, is a relationship expert to the Stars and Silicon Valley, and built Figlet, an AI relationship coach trained on their clinical work. His approach has guided more than 58,000 relationship assessments.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How does shame affect our ability to stay present in relationships?+
Shame is biologically a momentary message that you have to stop paying attention to what you're paying attention to. It's like your nervous system hitting the emergency brake on connection. When shame floods your system during conflict, you literally can't stay present with your partner. You either flee (physically or emotionally) or you attack to get the shame off of you and onto them. This is why repair work is so crucial. You have to learn to breathe through the shame long enough to stay connected, even when your partner's pain feels like an indictment of your character.
What does it mean to acknowledge both the 'dark and light' of intimacy?+
Real intimacy isn't Instagram highlight reels. It's seeing and being seen in your full humanity, which includes your beautiful parts and your broken parts. The 'dark' is the inevitable hurt you'll cause each other because you're both carrying childhood wounds. The 'light' is the healing that happens when you learn to repair those hurts together. Most people want intimacy but only the light parts. That's not how it works. The couples who make it are willing to stay present for both the beautiful sky ahead and the trail of wreckage behind them.
How can healers and helping professionals work on their own relationship struggles?+
Being a healer doesn't make you immune to relationship pain. In fact, sometimes it makes it harder because you think you should know better. The same principles apply: you're still babies in love, reacting from your nervous system when the bond feels threatened. Your professional skills can actually become a defense against vulnerability if you're not careful. The work is learning to receive care, not just give it. If you're struggling to stay present in your own relationship, Figlet, our AI relationship coach, can help you practice the same repair skills you use with patients.