How To Make Love Work – 3 Relationship Pillars
Everybody and their granny’s got a secret or three for makin’ love work: communication, boundaries, terms and conditions, eye of newt… These pillars are essential for a good relationship, as they help create a strong, resilient partnership built on trust, respect, and effective communication.
But at Empathi, we’ve identified 3 true pillars of relationship repair, smushed them up, and crafted one incredibly effective philosophy and approach for helping couples and individuals. Importantly, these pillars matter because they provide the foundation for understanding, connection, and long-term satisfaction in relationships. Commitment is a foundational element in our philosophy, serving as the glue that holds partners together and supports teamwork and growth. These pillars not only support effective communication but also help couples build a shared future together. We encourage you to seek out these pillars in your own relationships to foster trust, emotional intimacy, and lasting happiness.
When human beings are born, we don’t need food, shelter, or a crossbow to protect ourselves…
Babies are absolutely useless!!
They can’t feed themselves. They can’t fight. They can’t hold down a job. If you put a warm blanket right next to them, they couldn’t even cover themselves.
So, how the heck has the human race managed to survive..? Attachment.
Attachment Theory is the best theory we have of what love is from a biological perspective:
The need to be bonded with another human being from the moment you’re born to the moment you die. From the very beginning of life, attachment helps us feel safe, providing the emotional security necessary for healthy development. Being present for a child—attentive and engaged—fosters secure attachment and builds trust. Affection is a key part of early attachment and bonding, helping to deepen the connection between caregiver and child. Support, both emotional and practical, is essential in these relationships, offering comfort and stability. The truth is, our need for connection is a fundamental human drive. Shared values between caregivers and children also help build trust and security, laying the groundwork for healthy relationships throughout life.
We just have this built-in mechanism that we want to be loving and nurturing to little babies, and that as babies we are going to *f*king freak out if it looks like no one’s there or that we’re a disappointment…
The Relentless Lover
“Are you there for me?”
Relentless Lovers survived their childhood by forming adaptations and sensitivities around being abandoned by their primary attachment figure.
Say you’ve got an anxious mom who is too busy doomscrolling on Instagram and sippin’ matcha lattes to look like they’re capable of being there for you.
To keep yourself from being pulled away by a hungry tiger, you’re going to notice and react to whenever it looks like mum is distracted! People with this attachment style tend to focus on signs of abandonment due to their attachment history, often overlooking positive signals of connection.
These lovers become relentless in wanting connection because they’re never quite sure you’re really gonna be there. They are often acting out of past experiences or fears, which shapes their emotional responses and behaviors in relationships.
The Reluctant Lover
“Am I enough for you?”
Reluctant Lovers survived their childhood by forming adaptations and sensitivities around being rejected.
Imagine you run 100 meters, win a silver medal, and mum and dad are the type who “just don’t understand why you didn’t win after all that practice…” Unmet expectation from parents in these moments can deeply shape a child’s attachment style, leading them to anticipate disappointment or withdrawal in close relationships.
To keep your primary attachment figure from shrugging and letting the coyotes claim you, you’re gonna notice and react to when it looks like they are unhappy with you.
These lovers become reluctant in connection — though they do want it — because they’re not sure that they’re actually gonna be enough. As adults, Reluctant Lovers may struggle to feel satisfied in relationships, since early unmet expectations can make it difficult to trust that their needs will be met or that they are truly accepted.
70-80% of the time, a Relentless Lover and Reluctant Lover get together.
But whether you adapt by writing passive-aggressive sticky notes or learning jujitsu to beat the crap out of people, most people go through their lives figuring, “This is just how I’ve always been.”
We’re like fish, breathing and swimming in the same attachment waters all our lives…
That is, until we move into our own fishbowls…
2. Systems Theory
So two people that need to be emotionally bonded and have particular sensitivities to “Are you really there for me?” or “Am I really enough for you?” grow up and become each other’s primary attachment figure…
Now it’s a clean slate, right?
It’s all live, laugh, love from here on out?
Nope!
Now the adaptations and sensitivities that kept you both safe all your life are about to wreak a little havoc in a system best understood as an infinity loop. In this loop, partners can build trust by breaking negative cycles and supporting each other through vulnerability and honesty. When trust is lacking, conflict often arises, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance. Open communication is essential for resolving these cycles, as it allows both partners to express their needs and feelings clearly. The words you choose during these moments can either heal or harm the relationship, making mindful communication a key pillar for lasting connection.
The Infinity Loop
Partner A has a vulnerable feeling (Partner B isn’t gonna be there for them or is disappointed in them.)
↓
Partner A reacts with a protest behavior (such as blaming, criticizing, withdrawing, or shutting down.)
↓
Partner B has a vulnerable feeling — their vulnerable self gets scared they’re not gonna be loved in the way they long for.
↓
Partner B reacts with a protest behavior — their protestor tries to protect their vulnerable self.
Imagine the Relentless Lover from earlier gets scared when they see their partner staring at a phone ‘cause it looks a lot like mom scrolling on instagram all day… (1)
So they criticize their partner, “Why are you on your phone so much? I read that’s not good for you.” (2)
Now their Reluctant Lover partner thinks, “Great, looks like I’m unacceptable again. 100 meters isn’t good enough. This is the thing I’ve been trying not to feel all my life.”(3)
So now they’re gonna run off to the pub. (4)
Relentless Lover then gets confirmation — now they’re definitely gonna be alone (1) — and follows their partner to the pub to tell them, “This is NOT good behavior!” (2)
Now the Reluctant Lover feels like they’ll never be acceptable (3) and starts SPRINTING to the pub (4)…
And the cycle just grows and gains more momentum, ad infinitum.
Being helpful in these moments can interrupt negative patterns and open up space for understanding. Offering emotional support is crucial for de-escalating the infinity loop, as it helps partners feel seen and valued. To truly break the cycle, both partners need to be able to count on each other for reliability, trust, and shared values.
You and your partner can’t help but recreate your traumas in your relationship — stuck hurting each other and yourselves over and over again — because deep down inside there, there’s something you’re not getting…
3. Experiential Psychotherapy
Experiential Psychotherapy is the glue that makes big transformation possible.
This approach fosters growth in relationships by encouraging both partners to explore and develop new ways of connecting. Here, we get to craft living, breathing experiences that help you FEEL f**kin’ deeply the love you’ve been longing for your whole lives. As you move through this process, realize the strengths you already have in your relationship and how these experiences create new patterns of connection. Friendship is a vital pillar in the healing process, providing a foundation of trust and mutual understanding. Support, both emotional and practical, plays a key role in transformation, helping partners feel safe and resilient. It’s essential to stay present during these therapeutic experiences, as being fully engaged fosters deeper emotional safety and connection.
For that, you’ve gotta come to accept and love ALL four of parts of the system:
Your vulnerable side (mixed up with the shame of “I’m too much” or “I’m not enough”)
Your reactive side (which you are blind to, ignore, or dislike)
Your partner’s vulnerable one (who??)
Your partner’s reactive one (*oh, that f*ker)
“Love and accept the REACTIVE ones? Those troublemakers???”
YES.
Remember: the only reason either of you are doing the reactivity is because you’re hurting inside, and the only reason you’re hurting inside is because you haven’t let yourself really feel how much it hurts.
So as therapists, we have to use all our skills to be a friend to your reactivity — validate it, get you to recognize it’s happening — and then use even deeper, slightly different skills to actually make you FEEL deeply,
“I just don’t feel like I matter to them.”
“I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for them.”
And then we ask you to actually share that vulnerability with your partner:
“Hey, you know when I was telling you that you’re an a**hole and I was angry at you…? I was actually feeling abandoned and sad inside.”
Having a partner who is also your best friend makes it easier to be open and honest in these moments. It’s important to respect each other’s opinion during these conversations, allowing both partners to feel heard. Sometimes, you may need to stand up for your own needs while sharing vulnerability. The truth that comes out of these honest exchanges can strengthen your connection. Shared values also support this process, helping both partners navigate vulnerability together.
This process is called an enactment
Enactments are the most powerful experiential tool we have in EFT…
Because now your partner gets to witness, accept, and be there for your vulnerable one in all the ways you didn’t get to experience when you were little. This process is most effective when both partners are truly committed to healing and growth together, prioritizing the relationship and supporting each other through challenges.
This is the craft of experience: taking you from your reactive place deep, deep down into your own unloved-ness, your own pain, your own GRIEF, helping you love that part of yourself, and then giving your partner a chance to love that part of you, too. Expressing affection during this process is essential, as it fosters emotional safety, trust, and a deeper bond between partners.
As you do it for each other, it makes it easier to do it for yourself. Respecting the other’s presence—and their absence—by upholding shared values and standards even when apart, strengthens the foundation of trust and mutual respect in the relationship.
As you do it for yourself, it makes it easier to do it for the other person.
And so through these experiences, you’re actually able to reparent the missing things inside yourself and each other that you didn’t get before… This healing not only transforms your relationship but also breaks negative patterns that could otherwise be passed down to your children and future generations, helping to create a legacy of healthier connections.
Shared Interests and Activities
Let’s be real: even the most passionate love stories can start to feel a little stale if all you ever do together is argue about what to watch on Netflix. That’s where shared interests and activities swoop in to save the day—and your relationship.
Shared interests are the secret sauce of a healthy relationship. When you and your partner find things you both genuinely enjoy—whether it’s hiking up a mountain, cooking up a storm, or just geeking out over the same books—you’re not just passing the time. You’re building a strong relationship foundation rooted in mutual respect, emotional connection, and a sense of partnership that goes way beyond the surface.
It’s not just about having fun (though that’s a big part of it). Engaging in activities together creates space for honest communication and helps you feel comfortable in each other’s presence. You get to see new sides of your romantic partner, share a few laughs, and maybe even discover a hidden talent or two. In a monogamous relationship, these shared moments are key to keeping the emotional and intellectual connection alive, making sure you both feel seen, heard, and valued.
And let’s not forget about life activity alignment. When you and your partner are on the same page about how you want to spend your time—whether it’s traveling the world, hosting game nights with friends, or just chilling with family members—you’re not just building memories. You’re creating a sense of unity and cooperation that can weather the ups and downs of life.
Shared interests don’t have to be grand or Instagram-worthy. Maybe you both love gardening, or you’re obsessed with trying every taco spot in town. The point is to find activities that bring you both joy and give you a reason to spend quality time together. These moments of connection are what keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship, helping you avoid the dreaded rut and reminding you why you chose each other in the first place.
Plus, involving friends and family in your shared activities can strengthen your bond even further, creating a supportive community around your partnership. In the world of dating and relationships, it’s easy to underestimate the importance of these little moments—but ultimately, they’re the glue that holds everything together.
So, if you want a relationship that feels exciting, satisfying, and built to last, make shared interests and activities a priority. It’s not just about having fun—it’s about building a life together, one adventure (or taco) at a time.
Emotional connection is your birthright.
“Okay Figs, but why bother with all of this?”
Listen, life f**kin’ sucks. And relationship repair? It’s hard work.
Your house could burn down. You’re gonna lose your job.
You’re gonna get old and have hair growing out of your ears and nose, lose your sight, pee multiple times in a ni— Okay, it’s getting too personal now.
The point is: You’re born useless and it’s gonna end really badly. Without relationship repair, we’re stuck. The truth is, every relationship faces struggles, and repairing them is essential for growth. Commitment is one of the key relationship pillars that helps partners stand by each other through life’s challenges. When things get tough, it’s important to seek help if you need it—no one has to do this alone. Repairing relationships doesn’t just affect you; it also shapes the values and emotional security of your children and future generations.
But Mother Nature was kind enough to go,
“Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll leave you a blanket that you can wrap around yourself and one other so that it’s not gonna be completely shit from the moment you’re born until you die.”
Attachment is the blanket — and the key to relationship repair.
So look — whatever you and your partner are going through that you’re here, life inside disconnection is really hard and it sucks for both of you. And relationship repair is the only way out.
What we’re trying to do at Empathi is ask: Is there any way we can get you both inside this blanket together:
“Ah f**k — thank god you’re there for me and thank god I’m enough for you. It’s so scary when we lose that, but we can find our way back to this.”
Because this is as good as it gets. And relationship repair makes it even better.
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Every couple has a pattern they cannot see. Find yours.
In love, each of you is a Relentless or a Reluctant, which makes you one of three kinds of couple: Relentless and Reluctant, two Relentless, or two Reluctant. The free quiz reveals your creatures and the cycle they fall into together. About three minutes.
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