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Figs O'Sullivan

  • April 17, 2026

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Figs O'Sullivan

Founder · EFT couples therapist

“What I would tell you at 10pm, if I could.”

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Fiachra "Figs" O’Sullivan is a Certified EFT Therapist (ICEEFT), a renowned couples therapist, and the founder of Empathi.com. He believes the principles of secure attachment and sound money are the two essential protocols for building a future filled with hope. A husband and dad, he lives in Hawaii, where he’s an outrigger canoe paddler, getting humbled daily by the wind and waves. He’s also incessantly funny, to the point that he should probably see someone about that.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if my relationship problems are worth working on or if we should just break up?+
Here's the thing: the fight isn't about what you think it's about. Most couples come to me thinking their problem is communication or compatibility, but what I see is two childhood strategies colliding. If you're both willing to look at your part in the Waltz of Pain (that negative cycle you're stuck in), there's hope. The question isn't whether you have problems. It's whether you can stop making each other the enemy and start seeing the pattern as the problem. Your nervous system will tell you if there's genuine safety to build on.
Why does my partner always shut down during arguments instead of talking things through?+
Your partner isn't shutting down to hurt you. They're probably what I call a Reluctant Lover, retreating to their emotional basement because conflict feels like proof they're failing you. Meanwhile, you're likely the Relentless Lover, pursuing connection from your penthouse of competence. Both strategies made perfect sense in childhood. The withdrawer learned that disappearing was safer than risking more shame. This isn't about logic. It's about two nervous systems trying to survive what feels like an existential threat.
Can relationship therapy really help if we've been stuck in the same fights for years?+
Absolutely, but only if you're both willing to do the proof-of-work of empathy. I've seen couples break free from decades-old patterns once they understand they're not enemies, they're Babies in Love with triggered nervous systems. The key is learning that the solution is never the problem. You can't Time Machine your way past the hurt to fix the logistics. You have to slow down, feel what's really happening, and give each other the Missing Experience you both needed as kids. If you want to practice this work between sessions, try Figlet, our AI relationship coach.