Figs & Teale
Sign In
Request a Free Consultation
Blog
Videos
Podcasts
Picture of Figs O'Sullivan

Figs O'Sullivan

  • August 20, 2026

Built For Love...

Built For Love

Today, Figs goes back to the basics and answers the question what is love?

Certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (a clinical approach founded by Dr. Sue Johnson), Figs shares the Attachment Theory perspective on this big question. Love is an emotional bond that we all need. Simply put, we are biologically wired for connection. Figs also references John Bowlby the father of attachment theory to emphasize this very important fact: When it comes to love, you are still a baby and your partner is still a baby because this need for emotional bonding with a primary other is a cradle to the grave´ experience. Figs kindly cautions us from confusing the idea of being childlike in love with being childish. Don´t use the information to judge yourself or your partner. Fighting in relationships is really just protest behavior against feeling disconnected from the one we love. Parking tickets, sex, money—these aren´t the real problems in relationship. We fight because our connection matters.

Find out who you are in love by taking the free Empathi quiz.

Keep Reading

The Empathi Quiz

Which pattern is running your relationship?

Take the free three minute quiz and meet the creature behind the cycle you keep getting stuck in.

Take the quiz
Wife criticising her husband in the kitchen while he looks away
Articles

My Wife Criticizes Everything I Do. Why, and What Do I Say?

Husband explaining something to his wife over a tablet in the kitchen
Articles

My Husband Treats Me Like a Child. How Do I Get My Partner Back?

Wife trying to talk to her withdrawn husband on the couch
Articles

When to Leave an Emotionally Unavailable Husband: The Test a Couples Therapist Uses

The Empathi Quiz

Every couple has a pattern they cannot see. Find yours.

In love, each of you is a Relentless or a Reluctant, which makes you one of three kinds of couple: Relentless and Reluctant, two Relentless, or two Reluctant. The free quiz reveals your creatures and the cycle they fall into together. About three minutes.

About three minutesCompletely freeBuilt on EFT science
Take the Empathi quiz

No signup needed to start.

The Relentless

The Reluctant

Which one are you?
Share this article
Picture of Figs O'Sullivan

Figs O'Sullivan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #79062) and the founder of Empathi. For 17 years he has helped couples move out of disconnection and back into secure, loving connection, drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment science. With his wife Teale, he runs a San Francisco couples therapy practice, is a relationship expert to the Stars and Silicon Valley, and built Figlet, an AI relationship coach trained on their clinical work. His approach has guided more than 58,000 relationship assessments.

Related Articles

Read More Articles
Scroll to Top
Share "Built For Love"
Reading this from the Bay Area? Figs and Teale see couples in person at 999 Sutter Street in San Francisco, and online across California. Free 30-minute consult
Man smiling and meditating in a therapy session setting.
Figs, Teale & Figlet
● Available 24/7
You’re not alone.
Neither is your relationship. Talk to us right now, any time.
Start coaching with Figlet
First 10 messages free. No credit card required.
Request a Free Consultation
Figlet is Figs in an AI bottle
Not sure where to start? Take the 3-minute quiz ›
Man smiling and meditating in a therapy session setting.
Ask Figlet AI
Empathi couple illustration

Before you go — curious about your relationship pattern?

Take a free 3-minute quiz and discover whether you tend to pursue or withdraw in conflict. You'll get a personalized report.

Take the Free Quiz → 13 questions • 100% free • No email required
Couples therapy session with Figs O'Sullivan, focusing on relationship counseling.

Learn the method that transforms relationships

Join the Empathi Method Masterclass — a self-paced online course built on attachment science by Figs & Teale O'Sullivan.

Explore the Masterclass → Self-paced • Science-backed • Start today
Empathi couple illustration Couples therapy session with Figs O'Sullivan, focusing on relationship counseling.

Get relationship insights in your inbox

Join our newsletter for science-backed tips on connection, conflict, and lasting love.

Free • No spam • Unsubscribe anytime

Frequently Asked Questions

What does it mean that we're 'babies in love' according to attachment theory?+
When I say we're 'babies in love,' I'm not insulting your intelligence. I'm describing how your nervous system works. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, discovered that our need for emotional bonding with a primary person is literally 'cradle to grave.' Your adult brain might be sophisticated, but when your partner threatens to leave or withdraws emotionally, the part of you that responds is the same part that would have panicked as an infant if your caregiver disappeared. This is childlike, not childish. Your nervous system detects an existential threat because, evolutionarily speaking, losing your bond meant death. So when you're fighting over dishes but really fighting about whether you matter to each other, that's your baby self trying to survive.
Why do couples fight so much if we're biologically wired for connection?+
Here's the thing: we are absolutely wired for connection, but most of us learned terrible strategies for getting it. What I call the 'Waltz of Pain' happens when two childhood survival strategies collide. One partner becomes the Relentless Lover, pursuing and protesting to avoid abandonment. The other becomes the Reluctant Lover, withdrawing to escape the shame of feeling inadequate. Both are trying to protect the bond, but their methods create the very disconnection they're trying to avoid. The fight isn't about what you think it's about. It's about 'Are you there for me?' and 'Do I matter to you?' We fight because we care so damn much, not because we don't.
How can I tell if my relationship problems are normal or if we need professional help?+
Every couple gets stuck in patterns. The question is whether you can find your way out. If you're having the same fight over and over, if one of you is always pursuing while the other withdraws, or if you feel like roommates instead of lovers, you're probably caught in what I call the 'Versus Illusion' where you see each other as the enemy instead of the pattern as the problem. The good news? These cycles are absolutely workable with the right tools and guidance. If you want to start somewhere, try Figlet, our AI relationship coach. It's the next best thing to seeing me live and can help you identify what's really happening under those surface fights.