Whether you’re going through a rough patch, have a history of conflict, or just want to improve and deepen your connection, before we can address if couples therapy is a bad sign for you, we need to talk about… the stigma.
No, going to couples therapy is not a bad sign. In my experience it is one of the clearest signs that you both still care, because people who have truly given up do not book appointments.
The real warning signs are different: waiting years while the same fight hardens into resentment, or one partner using therapy only as a way out the door.
It’s no doubt that individual therapy has undergone a major rebrand in the last quarter-century.
Something that was once highly stigmatized, meant to be kept private, and reserved for someone else with “serious issues” has made its way into the public lives of many more Americans.
What I actually see when a couple finally walks through my door is two
terrified human beings who have spent years fighting a biological battle they do
not understand. You are not failing at love. You are simply trapped in a severe
negative cycle that I clinically call the Waltz of Pain. In this biological
survival system, minor disconnections trigger a massive threat response in your
nervous system. The anxious partner, terrified of a life threatening
abandonment, pursues relentlessly with harsh criticism to forcefully reestablish
the bond. To the avoidant partner, this intense emotional demand feels like a
massive, suffocating wave of engulfment. They hear every complaint as
devastating proof that they are an utter disappointment who can never get it
right. Crushed by the weight of this inadequacy, their amygdala fires, their
prefrontal cortex goes offline, and they withdraw into cold silence to survive
the emotional flood.
The profound tragedy of this dynamic is that couples will suffer through this
agonizing loop for an average of six years before finally seeking professional
intervention. The true bad sign for a relationship is not sitting on a
therapist’s couch. The actual bad sign is quietly bleeding out in separate rooms
for a decade because you were too proud or too ashamed to admit you were
drowning. The fact that you are sitting in my office means that your attachment
bond is still entirely alive, and you still care enough about each other to
fight for it. You simply cannot fix a shattered biological attachment system
while you are actively panicking inside of it. If you are terrified that making
an appointment means you have failed, and you want to understand why seeking a
trained guide is actually the bravest thing you can do for your marriage, we
have to completely change how you view the repair process.
From that friend who loves to boast about how much she loves her therapist, to that guy on Hinge who drops a line about his therapeutic journey in hopes of receiving more likes, the culture around therapy has changed.
Being in therapy no longer needs to mean that something is inherently wrong with you, that you are broken, or even that you are struggling. Seeking therapy is not a bad thing; in fact, it shows a willingness to grow and invest in your relationship.
Therapy has become so normalized that most people now view it as a routine part of maintaining mental and relational health.
Being in therapy means you’re responsible, relatable, and smart enough to know that everyone can use support, because being human is hard, no matter your circumstances. Even if things seem fine, couples can still benefit from therapy as a proactive step.
Therapy can be helpful for couples at any stage, not just those in crisis, and can provide valuable tools for communication and connection.
Of course, while therapy is often beneficial, there are situations where it may be a bad idea, such as when one partner is unwilling to participate or there are safety concerns. Some of the most common reasons therapy might not be suitable include ongoing abuse or a lack of commitment to the process.
For example, I’ve worked with clients who came to therapy to address emotional distance, and through regular sessions and hard work, they were able to realize underlying issues and begin the healing process.
If you notice warning signs in your relationship, such as frequent arguments, emotional distance, or difficulty making parenting decisions about children or money, it may be time to seek support. Proactively seeking therapy can help you and your spouse or other half stay safe emotionally and strengthen your important relationship.
It’s important to point out that therapy is a process, not a quick fix, and requires practice, effort, and commitment from each person involved. Regular sessions help couples listen and hear each other better, address issues like illness or divorce, and support healing and growth. Maintaining a strong partnership is hard work, but investing in your relationship is always worthwhile.
Why is it that…
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…my friend’s partner believes something must be wrong in their relationship if they “already need” couples therapy “this early,” but he has no qualms about sharing his long-standing experience in individual therapy?
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…I feel the need to offer the disclaimer, “Don’t worry, our relationship isn’t on fire” when I share with a friend that I started couples therapy with my partner?
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…clients sometimes judge their relationships as headed for less success because they’re in couples therapy, as compared to others who have never been to couples therapy?
I can’t say I know why these stories remain about couples therapy and not individual therapy, but I do hope they change.
Because in my experience, they are anything but true.
In an effort to reshape some of those negative stories, and offer some comfort if you’ve ever found yourself searching on the internet, “Is couples therapy a bad sign?” (which, by the way, is a common Google search), here are some new stories I’d like to tell based on what I’ve had the honor and privilege of witnessing in my work with couples.
If you didn’t matter to each other, you wouldn’t be there.
Most of our pain and wounding stems from being in relationship, and so it’s only through relationship that we heal and grow.
Our relationships impact our families, friends, and communities. By tending to the well-being of our relationship, we tend to the well-being of those around us.
There is wisdom in having the humility to accept that we’ve all been given some pretty confusing manuals on how to be in relationship, and that we could all benefit from a little support.
These are just a few of the new stories I hope to see emerging into the limelight of public discourse on couples therapy.
We suffer as individuals, communities, and as a culture, when stigma and judgment remains around getting support for something so fundamentally human.
If you’re already in couples therapy, are thinking about going to couples therapy, or know someone in couples therapy, kudos to you, and kudos to those people for daring to believe otherwise.
We’re all better for it.
What the data shows: in 58,221 completed relationship assessments, 74.1% of the 6,159 couples where both partners completed were in the pursue-withdraw cycle. Both partners typically describe the other as the one withdrawing.
This is not a you problem or a them problem
“You are not fighting a broken partner, but rather a tragic, co-created system where you both hurt because you mean so much to each other.”
“Most of the hurt in a relationship comes from impact without intention.”
Figs O’Sullivan, LMFT
Role of a Couples Therapist
A couples therapist is more than just a neutral third party, they’re a guide, a supporter, and sometimes even a translator for couples navigating the ups and downs of their relationship. Through couples therapy or marriage counseling, a trained therapist creates a safe space where both partners can openly share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment. This safe environment is essential for building trust and fostering honest communication, especially when emotions are running high or when there’s emotional withdrawal or distance between partners.
One of the most important roles of a couples therapist is to help couples identify and understand the patterns that may be causing conflict or disconnection. Whether it’s differences in parenting styles, struggles with intimacy, or the impact of mental health issues, a therapist helps each partner see the other’s perspective and work together toward solutions. By shining a light on these blind spots, couples therapy can help both people feel heard and supported, making it easier to address challenges as a team.
A couples therapist also helps couples develop a solid foundation for their relationship. This means working on healthy communication habits, learning how to resolve conflict in a constructive way, and building emotional intimacy. These skills are essential for any married couple or long-term partnership, and they can make a big difference in how couples handle life’s inevitable challenges. Sometimes, a therapist may suggest individual therapy alongside couples counseling to address specific issues that one partner may be facing, ensuring that both the relationship and each person’s well-being are supported.
It’s important to remember that seeking couples therapy is not a bad sign, it’s a sign that you care about your relationship and want to make it stronger. In fact, many couples find that marriage therapy has a positive impact, helping them feel closer, communicate better, and create a more fulfilling connection. Whether you’re dealing with a specific issue or simply want to build a healthier, happier partnership, working with a couples therapist can be a powerful step toward lasting change.
Is Going to Couples Therapy a Sign of Divorce?
No. Going to couples therapy is not a sign that divorce is coming. It is a sign that something hurts, and that at least one of you refuses to let it keep hurting in silence.
Here is what I actually see. Research shows the average couple waits about six years after problems begin before seeking professional help. That is six years of missed opportunities for repair, six years of deepening resentment, and six years of patterns becoming more entrenched. So by the time many couples reach my office, the cycle is loud and tired, and it is easy to blame therapy for the state of the marriage that walks through the door. Therapy did not cause that. Waiting did.
Most of the couples who sit on my couch certain that it is too late are wrong. Not because their pain is not real. Because they are confusing exhaustion with death. Those are very different things.
What you bring into the room matters too. A study reported by GoodTherapy found that couples who started therapy wanting to improve their relationship were far more likely to still be together six months after treatment than couples who came in mainly to decide whether to separate. And even when a couple uses therapy to part with less damage, that is not a failure. Sometimes the most loving thing two people can do is end well.
If one of you has already said the word “divorce,” hear this: in attachment terms, that is usually protest behavior. It is pulling the fire alarm. “Pay attention to me. This is serious. I am dying here.” It sounds like a decision. Most of the time, it is a cry for help wearing a disguise.
Even Couples Therapists Go to Couples Therapy
I want to tell you something about my own marriage, because I think it takes some of the shame out of this question. Teale and I still work with a couples therapist. Not because we are failing. Because we are committed to growth.
We are both trained therapists. We both know this material inside and out. And we still misattune. We still cycle into reactivity. We still trigger each other. The difference is that we know the dance now. We can name it. We can interrupt it. And the fights we have are not obstacles to our connection. They are the pathway.
So if two people who teach this for a living still sit on another therapist’s couch, I hope you can let yourself off the hook. Booking a session does not say “we are broken.” It says “this matters so much to us that we are willing to get help with it.” There is no shame in getting some baking classes (AKA couples therapy) to remind you of your recipe for love.
Should Dating Couples Go to Counseling?
Yes, if you want to. You do not need to be married, and you do not need to be miserable. Couples therapy is not reserved for relationships in crisis. That idea is as outdated as only seeing a doctor when you are seriously ill.
I think of it like a house inspection. You would not buy a house without an inspection. Not because you expect to find something terrible, but because you want to know what you are working with. Counseling while you are dating is that inspection for your relationship, and what it reveals almost always makes the foundation stronger.
Dating is also when your patterns are easiest to see and easiest to shift. One of you tends to move toward a problem: pushing for resolution, needing to talk it out. The other tends to move away: needing space, shutting down to protect themselves. That is the pursue-withdraw cycle, and it exists in nearly every relationship. It is not a flaw. It is a pattern. Understanding it before you move in or get married gives you a massive head start.
Good reasons for a dating couple to go:
- You keep having the same fight, with the same escalation and the same unsatisfying ending.
- You are deciding whether to move in, get engaged, or start a family, and you want to have the big conversations (money, kids, family, sex, faith) somewhere safer than the middle of an argument.
- An old wound from a past relationship, or from your family, keeps showing up in this one.
- You simply want to build this relationship differently than the last one.
And if you go and discover that you want different lives, that is not a failure either. Clarity early is a gift to both of you.
What Percentage of Couples Stay Together After Therapy?
There is no single reliable number, and I would be careful with any site that gives you one without a study behind it. Results depend on the kind of therapy, how long the couple waited, and what each partner wanted when they walked in.
What I can tell you is what the research on different approaches shows. The dirty secret of my profession is that many couples therapists are not very good at couples work. Research on traditional couples therapy has found that about a third of couples get better, a third stay the same, and a third get worse. Those are not great odds.
Emotionally Focused Therapy, the approach I am trained in, is a different story. In studies where couples went through twelve 90 minute sessions of EFT, 86% of those couples showed significant improvement. Most people assume the success rate of couples therapy is very low. They believe couples either inevitably divorce or stay together hating each other. The data says otherwise.
I see the same thing in my own office. Even within or after the first session, the vast majority of couples start to feel better. Within a few sessions, couples are holding each other and crying and comforting each other, where just a few weeks before, they were competing to tell me how rotten the other was.
The Disadvantages of Couples Counselling (An Honest List)
I am a couples therapist, so I am biased. But I would be lying to you if I said couples therapy has no downsides. Here are the real ones.
- It costs time and money. Weekly sessions add up, and the work does not stop when you leave the room. Change happens between sessions, when you practice new ways of being together over and over until they become second nature.
- It can feel worse before it feels better. When we slow things down and reach the softer feelings hiding beneath the anger, old hurts come up. That usually means the work is real, not that it is failing.
- The wrong therapist can do harm. I truly believe that no therapy is better than bad therapy. More on how to spot that below.
- It is not the first step when there is violence. If there is physical violence, coercive control, or any threat of violence in your relationship, saving the relationship is not the priority. Your safety is. Couples therapy asks both people to be vulnerable, and when one partner’s vulnerability puts them at risk of harm, we cannot proceed. Seek safety and individual support first. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, available 24/7.
- Some things block repair while they are still happening. An ongoing affair, or an active addiction that nobody is treating, makes repair very difficult. That does not mean it is too late forever. It means the first step is stopping what is still causing new injury, so the old injuries can finally be worked with.
- Different agendas stall the work. If one partner is only in the room so that leaving will look fair later, the sessions go in circles. That truth needs to come out, and a good therapist will help you say it.
If you are afraid that therapy will blow things up, I wrote more about whether couples therapy can make things worse and what to do when it starts to feel that way.
Signs of a Bad Couples Therapist
Most of what goes wrong in couples therapy is not the couple. It is the fit, or the training. Here is what I would watch for:
- They take sides, shame, or blame. You should never be blamed, criticized, or shamed by a therapist. If a therapist takes sides, call them out on it. Let them know how you feel. If they do not repair with you, cut your losses.
- They act like a referee. They balance the airtime, teach you “I statements,” and help you negotiate who picks up the kids, but never touch the emotional cycle underneath. Being heard by a neutral party is not the same as being understood by the person who hurt you.
- They let you argue for fifty minutes and call it progress. When you fight with the person you love, the part of your brain that handles logic and communication skills goes offline. Using tools in that moment is like trying to put out a forest fire with a water pistol.
- They are really an individual therapist seeing you together. Most therapists are trained in individual therapy. Couples work is an entirely different skill set, and a much harder one. Your relationship is not a backdrop. It is the main event.
- You do not feel safe with them. No matter how highly your therapist is rated, if you do not like them or do not feel safe with them, the process just will not work.
And the signs of a good one: they specialize in couples, you can both get on board with their methods, and when they hold up a mirror to the negative pattern you get into, they do it from a place of relentless love and compassion.
Bad therapy is not evidence that your relationship is broken. It is evidence that you had the wrong therapist.
When Couples Therapy Is Not Enough
Sometimes couples therapy is not the whole answer. After working with over 3,000 couples, I have found it is only truly too late when one of three things has settled in:
- Sustained contempt. Not occasional frustration. A deep, grinding disdain where one partner fundamentally looks down on the other. John Gottman’s research identified contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce.
- Complete indifference. People think hatred means it is over. It does not. Hatred still has attachment energy in it. Indifference is when neither partner feels anything anymore. No anger, no sadness, no longing.
- Full detachment in one partner. Not ambivalence. One partner has already grieved the relationship and moved on inside, even though they have not left yet. They are not conflicted. They are waiting.
These three markers are rare. Most couples who feel hopeless are not there. Not even close. If you are wondering whether you have crossed that line, I go deeper into when it is too late for couples therapy.
Other times couples therapy is not enough on its own because one partner also needs their own support alongside it, as I mentioned above. That is not a failure of the couples work. It is adding what the relationship needs.
And if you have already tried therapy and it stalled, it is not because you are beyond help. It is usually because you were given the wrong tools, or no tools at all. Here is what to do when couples therapy is not working.
What to Do Tonight If You Are Wondering Whether to Go
- Name the fear to yourself first. “I am scared that if we go, it means we have failed.” Saying it quietly takes some of its power away.
- Do not raise it in the middle of a fight. Every time therapy comes up during a fight, your partner’s nervous system learns that therapy is a weapon. Wait until you are both calm.
- Offer an invitation, not a verdict. When you say “I think we need therapy,” your partner hears a verdict. Try “I would really love to have some help understanding us better.” The blame is gone. The focus is on the two of you as a system.
- Name the cycle, not the culprit. Something like: “I think we get stuck in a loop where I push and you pull away, and underneath it I just miss you.”
- Write down two or three couples-trained therapists to call this week. In the consultation, ask how much of their practice is couples work and what their couples training is.
- If you are afraid for your safety at home, skip all of the above. Reach out for individual support and the hotline first.
Common Questions About Whether Couples Therapy Is a Bad Sign
Is going to couples therapy a bad sign?
No. It is a sign that you both still care enough to fight for the relationship. If you did not matter to each other, you would not be there. The bigger warning sign is waiting years while the same fight hardens into resentment.
Is couples therapy a sign of divorce?
No. Many couples use therapy to get closer, and many go before anything is seriously wrong. Couples who come in wanting to improve the relationship tend to do better than couples who come in mainly to decide whether to split. Talk of divorce in a fight is usually protest, not a plan.
Should dating couples go to counseling?
Yes, if you want to understand your patterns early. You do not need to be married or in crisis. Think of it as an inspection before you buy the house: it shows you what you are working with, and it usually makes the foundation stronger.
What are the signs of a bad couples therapist?
They take sides, shame or blame you and do not repair it, act like a referee, let you argue the whole session, or are really an individual therapist seeing two people at once. If you do not feel safe with them, the process will not work. I truly believe no therapy is better than bad therapy.
What are the disadvantages of couples counselling?
It takes time, money, and effort between sessions, and it can feel harder before it feels better. The wrong therapist can make things worse. It is not the right first step when there is violence or coercive control, and an ongoing affair or untreated addiction makes repair very difficult until it stops.
When is couples therapy not enough?
When sustained contempt, complete indifference, or full detachment in one partner has settled in, or when there are safety concerns. Sometimes one partner also needs their own individual support alongside the couples work. These situations are rarer than most hopeless couples think.
What percentage of couples stay together after therapy?
There is no single reliable figure, because it depends on the approach, the follow-up, and what each partner wanted going in. Traditional couples therapy has produced mixed results, roughly a third better, a third the same, a third worse. In studies of Emotionally Focused Therapy, 86% of couples showed significant improvement.
Can couples therapy make things worse?
It can, usually when the therapist is not trained in couples work, takes sides, or lets the same fight play out every week. Some discomfort is normal as buried hurts come up. If sessions keep leaving you feeling unsafe or unheard, say so, and if the therapist cannot repair it, find a different one.
If you’re considering couples counseling, know that you’re taking a proactive step to support your relationship. With the right counselor, you and your partner can navigate challenges, deepen your connection, and create a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and strong, no matter what life throws your way. Take the free attachment style quiz to learn more.
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