Yes, it's not about the nail: a couples therapy perspective.
Which pattern is running your relationship?
Take the free three minute quiz and meet the creature behind the cycle you keep getting stuck in.
It’s about the system we create together when I feel abandoned or rejected and protest or withdraw when I perceive you (rightly or wrongly) as not being there for me in the ways that makes me feel securely connected/emotionally bonded to you. This in turn brings you to your feelings of too muchness or not enoughness and you feel rejected or abandoned and withdraw or protest against the ways you perceive me as not being there for you. Which provides me with further justification to continue withdrawing or protesting…and on and on our jointly created system of disconnection goes..each of us confirming our worst fears about the other and justifying and cementing our judgements of each other.
Our reactive behaviors – blaming, criticizing, ignoring, minimizing, arguing, yelling, etc. are deployed in a fight to make us feel safer – to protect ourselves from further emotional pain, but in actual fact we end up making ourselves look even more unavailable and hurtful to the one we most want to feel connected to and comforted by.
How sad for me, how sad for you, how tragic for both of us. And yet within that lies the way out. Neither of us are bad. Both of our behaviors makes sense. We just both got threatened for a moment. Why? Because feeling connected to each other means so much that when it is absent its really painful! So of course we tried to move away from the pain of disconnection but everything we did just made things worse. Wow..look how much we mean to each other!!! Look how it takes both of us to make a fight like this happen!
All roads to relationship getting better must pass through – we are on the same team fighting a common enemy – “The Negative System” we create together when we feel our emotional bond is threatened.
Just sayin’.
Seeking Help through Couples Therapy
In recent years, more and more couples are recognizing the importance of seeking support when their relationships are tested. Couples therapy has become an essential resource for emotionally bonded partners who want to safeguard their connection and navigate the inevitable challenges that arise. Expert couples therapists like Figs and Teale Taxis have developed programs specifically designed to help clients understand the underlying dynamics of their relationships, reduce the risk of disconnection, and foster a sense of intimacy and trust.
Taking the first step to seek help can feel daunting, but it’s a sign of strength—not weakness. The ability to recognize when your relationship needs outside support is imperative. Whether you’re an employee balancing work stress with home life, or simply a person longing for a deeper connection with your partner, couples therapy offers a positive and proactive way to address conflict. By focusing on complete honesty and vulnerability, therapy provides access to tools and concepts that help couples listen, understand, and support each other more effectively.
For those new to the subject, the process of couples therapy is designed to be safe and non-judgmental. A skilled therapist will explain each step of the course, ensuring both partners feel heard and respected. The goal isn’t to assign blame or shame, but to reveal the emotional patterns and attachment needs that drive conflict. This approach helps couples recognize the language of their bodies and emotions, and learn how to respond with empathy and compassion rather than defensiveness or withdrawal.
The program developed by Figs and Teale Taxis is based on the latest research in attachment and emotional connection. It guides couples through a series of steps that build understanding, improve communication, and increase the sense of safety and intimacy in the relationship. By working together, couples can learn to recognize the signs of disconnection early, address stress before it escalates, and create a more resilient partnership.
The number of couples seeking therapy is increasing, and this shift is helping to reduce the stigma around asking for help. As more people share their experiences, it becomes clear that the joys and struggles of relationships are universal—and that support is available. The important thing is to focus on the things you can do together to improve your relationship, no matter the size of the challenge. With the right support, couples can learn, grow, and ultimately find more meaning and love in their connection.
In conclusion, couples therapy is a powerful tool for anyone who wants to strengthen their relationship and ensure it thrives, even in the face of adversity. By prioritizing empathy, compassion, and honesty, and by being willing to take that first step, couples can transform conflict into an opportunity for deeper understanding and lasting intimacy. The journey may require effort and vulnerability, but the rewards—a more complete, emotionally bonded partnership—are well worth it.
Thanks for reading. If you liked this please share it! It would mean a lot to me.
Fiachra (Figs) O´Sullivan is a certified emotionally focused couples counselor and the founder of Empathi, an online coaching program for couples. As heard on NPR’s All Things Considered, Figs provides in-person couples counseling in San Francisco Inner Sunset where he lives with his wife, daughter and doodle. If you are curious about your own relationship, sign up for Empathi to take Figs´ Relationship Quiz and to get free, actionable and personalized guidance on how to feel more connected!
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The Relentless
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