That question lands heavy. “Couples therapy not working” — I hear that a lot, and I want to sit with you in it for a second before we go anywhere, because that phrase can mean a few really different things.
Sometimes it means the therapy isn’t working because the therapist isn’t the right fit. Sometimes it means the therapy IS working, but it’s stirring everything up and it feels worse before it feels better. And sometimes, honestly, it means one or both people have stopped really showing up for it, and the room has gone quiet in a particular way.
So let me ask you something, even though you’re not in my office right now: what does “not working” look like for you? Is it that nothing is changing? Is it that you’re having the same fights in the session that you have at home? Is it that you leave the room feeling worse?
Here’s what I know from sixteen years of doing this work. The goal of couples therapy, at least the way I do it, is NOT to solve your content. It’s not to settle the fight about money or dishes or whose family you spend Christmas with. The goal is what I call a state change. We’re trying to get your nervous systems out of threat mode so that the two of you can actually SEE each other again.
Think of it like this: you’re both running a fever of 101 degrees, and we’re trying to get you to 104 so the fever can break. Sometimes that means it has to get worse before it gets better.
If therapy is just two people taking turns reporting grievances while the therapist nods, that’s not going to do it. What you need is someone who can help both of you see that you’re inside a system together. Both of you are fifty percent of that loop. Not forty-nine, not fifty-one. Fifty. And both of you are hurting inside it, even if it looks very different on the outside.
The other thing I want to offer you is this. There’s a little kid inside each of you, just reaching out for connection. The fights, the distance, the shutting down — all of it is usually that little one trying to protect themselves because they don’t know how to just say “I’m scared” or “I need you.” When therapy isn’t working, sometimes it’s because we haven’t gotten down to THAT level yet. We’re still up in the story, in the content, in who said what.
So here’s what I’d say practically. Have an honest conversation with your therapist. Tell them it doesn’t feel like it’s working. A good therapist won’t be defensive. They’ll want to know. And if that conversation itself feels impossible, that’s actually important information too.
You haven’t failed. The work isn’t done yet.
Where Does Your Relationship Stand?
Take the free Empathi Wisdom Score assessment. In 5 minutes, get a personalized snapshot of your relationship patterns and what to do about them. Take the free attachment style quiz to learn more.
Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
