From Hawaiian to Irish Waters...

From Hawaiian to Irish Waters

When Teale was growing up on the Island of Oahu, she and her mom participated in Hawaii’s “rough water” swim.

For those who know my wife, this is perfectly in character—I once watched Teale (and her mom… and our kids!) refuse to leave the water, even after a shark was spotted 😳

Now, as we revisit my rainier, colder homeland of Ireland, she is also training for that same Hawaiian swim…

And so to prepare, Teale is competing in the Gaelforce 2KM open water swimming race on Lough Derg—a lake in the middle of Ireland.

Here’s how it went.

Teale and Amanda smiling for a picture by the pool, wearing wetsuits, with Figs cut off in the background (not wearing a wetsuit).

“Let’s go swim in this awesome pool by the sea,” they said. 

“Why the wet suits?” I asked. “How come I don’t have one?”

“Oh we are training for our 2km race this Saturday, otherwise we wouldn’t wear them.”

Well it turns out the pool is by AND IN THE SEA… literally!

First time swimming a kilometer in freezing-my-wee-fellas-off temperature.

See how they didn’t even really include me in the photo.

Amanda and Teale, I have to seriously consider if I will trust you both on a swimming adventure again!

🤓

7/19/22 - 3 Days Before The Race

The gods of the sea have defended me… a little too aggressively!

Teale’s wetsuit gave her a rash 😳

Now she’s planning to swim the big race WITHOUT one… GULP.

For the uninitiated, a wetsuit:

A. provides insulation to keep you warm in super cold temps

B. helps increase your buoyancy to keep you afloat (via air cells in the insulation)

and C. reduces friction so you glide through the water like a slippery racing fish.

Basically, it’s a LOT harder to race without one.

7/22/23 - The Day of The Race

Teale is competing today!

Here is one of her 1000 failed attempts to get me to race with her… Even though I swim a kilometer in the time she swims a mile!

Someone needs to see the relentless hounding I am subject to.

But I can be the bigger person and support Teale enthusiastically today!

Go get ’em Teale!

Crossing The Finish Line

Teale in the water at the finish line!

…She won the whole race!!

She came 1st out of all men and women who swam with no wetsuits (& the most respect is given to the no-wetsuit swimmers).

In 50º water—big drop from our 80º Hawaii water!

She came 5th overall— including people who swam with wetsuits. Approx 170 raced. She is a beast!

Figs and Teale taking a selfie by the water after Teale's race.
Teale after the race ♥

I am so proud of her.

I was her agent.

We really were a team… even if I was on the banks of Lough Derg drinking Irish tea and eating all the swimmers’ post-race scones.

Feeling happy at Figs O'Sullivan Couples Therapy, enjoying a moment of joy.
Teale's earned a glass of Guinness.

Cheers to Teale, and to you.

Figs

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Figs O'Sullivan

Founder · EFT couples therapist

“What I would tell you at 10pm, if I could.”

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Figs O'Sullivan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #79062) and the founder of Empathi. For 17 years he has helped couples move out of disconnection and back into secure, loving connection, drawing on Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment science. With his wife Teale, he runs a San Francisco couples therapy practice, is a relationship expert to the Stars and Silicon Valley, and built Figlet, an AI relationship coach trained on their clinical work. His approach has guided more than 58,000 relationship assessments.

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Frequently Asked Questions

How can my partner's individual goals and training help our relationship?+
When one partner pursues something meaningful like Teale's open water swimming, it actually strengthens the relationship if both people can celebrate it together. The key is avoiding the Versus Illusion where you see their passion as competition for your attention. Instead of feeling threatened, try seeing their growth as proof they're the kind of person who commits fully to what matters. That's exactly the energy you want directed toward your relationship. When partners support each other's individual excellence, they're building what I call Low Time-Preference Love, investing in the long-term cathedral of their partnership rather than demanding immediate gratification.
Why does my partner always seem to need extreme challenges while I prefer staying comfortable?+
This difference often reflects your childhood strategies for feeling safe and valuable. Your partner might be what I call a Relentless Lover who needs constant achievement to prove they're worthy of love. Meanwhile, you might be more of a Reluctant Lover who finds safety in predictability and comfort. Neither approach is wrong, but problems arise when these strategies collide. The solution isn't to change each other, but to understand that you're both just trying to feel secure in your own ways. The real work is learning to provide emotional safety for each other so these extreme strategies can relax.
How do I support my partner's goals when I feel left out or unimportant?+
That feeling of being left out is your attachment system detecting a potential threat to your bond. Remember, we're all Babies in Love, and your nervous system is doing exactly what it's designed to do. The mistake is making this about their goals versus your needs. Start by sharing the vulnerable truth: 'I'm proud of you AND I miss feeling important to you.' Most partners don't realize their pursuit of excellence can accidentally trigger abandonment fears. If you're struggling with these conversations, Figlet, our AI relationship coach, can help you practice expressing these needs without criticism or demands.