Okay. I want to sit with you in this question for a moment, because I think what you’re really asking is: “How do I keep us safe? How do I keep from losing this?”
And that’s a beautiful, human thing to want.
You are performing a marriage instead of living inside it.
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Here’s what I know from sixteen years of sitting with couples after the bomb has gone off: most affairs don’t happen because someone is a terrible person or because the relationship was doomed. They happen because of disconnection. Because someone felt unseen, unwanted, or like they were performing a partnership rather than actually living inside one.
The real protection against that kind of drift isn’t surveillance or rules or trying to affair-proof your partner. It’s repair. Consistent, real, unglamorous repair.
In my work, I talk about what I call Proof of Work of Love. The idea is simple but demanding: the value in a relationship isn’t built by avoiding hard moments. It’s built by showing up through them. Every time you have a rupture, a fight, a disconnection, and you both choose to turn toward each other instead of away, you’re laying down another brick of trust. That accumulates. That becomes something a person doesn’t want to leave.
A relationship where repair never happens, where apologies are just empty “sorry, sorry, move on” moments without any real emotional meeting, that’s a relationship running on fumes. It looks fine from the outside. But inside, one or both people feel alone. And loneliness inside a relationship is one of the most dangerous conditions I know.
So here’s what actually works: Stay curious about each other. When your partner seems distant or irritated, instead of getting defensive, try “You seem frustrated. What’s happening for you?” Keep talking about the stuff that matters, not just logistics. Make space for desire and playfulness, not just duty and chores.
And when things get messy, which they will, don’t run or shut down. Stay. Work it out. Show your partner that they matter enough to you to sweat through the hard conversations.
You can’t prevent cheating by controlling someone. But you can build a relationship so genuinely connected, so consistently nourishing, that there’s no emotional vacancy for someone else to fill. The canoe flips sometimes. That’s just life. The question is whether you both choose to climb back in together.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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