If you’re trying to get it right…...

If you’re trying to get it right…

Relationship Tip #10

Remember how your need for love is wired into your DNA? Well, in order to love and be loved, you must be seen. Not the Instagram-ready polished persona version of you, but the gloriously flawed #wokeuplikethis you.

Relationship Tip #10: If you’re trying to get it right in love, you’re getting it wrong.

“But Figs, aren’t I trying to learn how to get love right?”


You’re learning new insights about yourself, your partner, and your relationship and then putting those insights into practice.

And then, you must let yourself get it wrong.

Let your partner get it wrong, too.

Make lots of mistakes. Go on and feel afraid, frustrated, and embarrassed all at the same time. Then put your insights into practice again. Because there’s no finish line. You must continue to show up for yourself and your partner, to love up the parts of you both that need it the most, because you are so important to each other!

Sure, you can fake enough of yourself to fit in, but that will only intensify your feeling of disconnection, so what’s the point?!

You don’t need to fit in to your relationship, you need to feel that you belong. You need connection. And your polished persona will never get past the velvet rope into that party; access is only granted when you are brave enough to be vulnerable and allow yourself to be seen.

So don’t waste another minute trying to be something you’re not. Love and accept yourself RIGHT NOW exactly as you are — wounds, warts, and weaknesses.

The vulnerable you is a lovable you!

Practice sitting with your vulnerable self. It’s hard for most of us to do. But even if you can only manage it for a minute of two and then it slips away because you get all annoyed, just begin again with the basics … love and accept yourself with no changes required.

Start right now. While you’re reading these words.


Heck, don’t just accept your flaws, CELEBRATE them! Nothing is more attractive and sexier than a lover who recognizes and embraces their flaws. Get comfortable in your own skin, it’s all you’ve got (assuming you aren’t planning to go all “Silence of the Lambs” on me).

And for flip sake don’t take yourself and your relationship so seriously! I promise there is laugh out loud humor in the struggle, especially when you realize everyone’s a mess when it comes to love.

Letting yourself be truly seen by your significant other isn’t EASY, but it’s exactly what you (and the world around you) need.

Take two minutes to read your Self-Discovery Report once you have taken the Empathi Quiz— knowing and accepting your vulnerability in love is an essential step toward having a successful relationship!

Be kind to yourself and each other,


P.S. Miss the other relationship tips? Read all 10 here.

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Figs is the creator of the Empathi method and the certification process for Empathi coaches. He’s also Chief Empathi Officer, husband, dad, wounded-healer and was featured on NPR’s All Things Considered as a champion for healthy relationships. Figs’ life’s mission is to help couples feel more connected.

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