Here’s the truth nobody wants to hear: your kids aren’t “caught in the middle” by accident. They’re there because adults put them there.
I’ve watched this unfold in my office more times than I can count. Parents who swear they’re protecting their children while simultaneously turning them into emotional Switzerland. The kid becomes the messenger, the spy, the therapist, the referee. And we wonder why they’re anxious.
Your child becomes sad at one house and happy at the other.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about kids in the middle.
The damage isn’t the divorce itself. Kids are remarkably resilient to family structure changes. What breaks them is the loyalty bind. That moment when loving Mom feels like betraying Dad, or when showing excitement about Dad’s new apartment means hurting Mom’s feelings.
I had a seven-year-old tell me once, “I have to be sad at Mommy’s house and happy at Daddy’s house.” That’s a child carrying an adult-sized emotional load because the grown-ups couldn’t figure out how to manage their own feelings.
So let’s get practical. First, your child is not your friend, your confidant, or your emotional support animal. They’re a kid who needs to do kid things while the adults handle adult problems. Stop telling them why Daddy is wrong about the custody schedule. Stop asking them to choose which parent they want to spend Christmas with.
Second, your ex might be a terrible spouse, but unless there’s genuine safety issues, they’re still your child’s parent. Your job is to protect that relationship, not poison it. I know it burns when your kid comes home talking about how fun Dad’s new girlfriend is. Feel that burn privately.
Your child becomes sad at one house and happy at the other.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about kids in the middle.
Third, kids need boring stability right now, not emotional drama. They need to know that Tuesday means soccer practice and Thursday means homework help, regardless of which house they’re sleeping in. They need adults who can sit in the same room for a school play without the temperature rising.
Here’s what actually helps: Create a united front about the big stuff. Bedtimes, screen time, consequences. Your child shouldn’t feel like they’re navigating two different planets with two different rule books.
And please, for the love of everything holy, let them love you both. When your eight-year-old says Dad makes better pancakes, the correct response is “That’s great, honey,” not a dissertation on how you made pancakes every Sunday for six years before he walked out.
Your marriage ended. Your job as co-parents didn’t. The goal isn’t to win. It’s to raise a kid who doesn’t spend their twenties in therapy trying to untangle the mess you created in your forties.
Where Does Your Relationship Stand?
Which pattern is running your relationship?
Take the free three minute quiz and meet the creature behind the cycle you keep getting stuck in.
Take the free Empathi Wisdom Score assessment. In 5 minutes, get a personalized snapshot of your relationship patterns and what to do about them. Take the free attachment style quiz to learn more.
Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
Explore More Topics
Keep Reading
Every couple has a pattern they cannot see. Find yours.
In love, each of you is a Relentless or a Reluctant, which makes you one of three kinds of couple: Relentless and Reluctant, two Relentless, or two Reluctant. The free quiz reveals your creatures and the cycle they fall into together. About three minutes.
No signup needed to start.
The Relentless
The Reluctant
