Oh, this one lands right in my chest. Because what you’re describing, kids telling lies about the other parent, is one of those situations where the pain is just layered. There’s the immediate hurt of the lie itself, and then underneath that, there’s usually something much bigger going on.
You watch your child carry a story that was never theirs.
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Ask Figlet about your child telling lies.
When kids are lying about the other parent, it is almost never about the lie. A child who is telling lies about a parent is a child in pain, caught in the middle of a loyalty conflict between the two people they love most in the world. Don’t interrogate them and don’t fight that battle through the child, because your children are always showing you the weather report of what’s happening between the two of you.
What to say to your child tonight: “Hey, it sounds like things feel really complicated between our two houses. I’m not gonna put you in the middle of that. You don’t have to solve anything for me.”
First, let me say this clearly: a child who is telling lies about a parent is a child who is in pain. Full stop. That doesn’t mean the lying is okay. But it means we have to ask, what is this little person trying to do? What are they trying to solve? Because kids don’t lie about parents out of nowhere. They lie because they’re caught in the middle of something that feels too big for them to hold.
Now, here’s where it gets really important for you as a co-parenting couple or former couple. The question is whether those lies are being encouraged, consciously or unconsciously, by one parent. And that’s where I’d want to slow you way down.
And if the other parent barely talks to you at all, I wrote about what to do when a co parent refuses to communicate.
If you are the parent hearing these lies, the worst thing you can do is interrogate your child or treat them like a witness in a courtroom. That little kid is already carrying something heavy. The moment you start cross-examining them, you just put more weight on their shoulders.
That weight often spills out the evening they come home, and I wrote about why a child acts up after visiting dad and what to do in those first hours back.
What I’d want you to do instead is what I call protecting the orphan’s sovereignty. That youngest, most scared part of your child, the one who feels like they have to manage the loyalty conflict between the two people they love most in the world, that part of them needs to be witnessed, not managed. You say something like, “Hey, it sounds like things feel really complicated between our two houses. I’m not gonna put you in the middle of that. You don’t have to solve anything for me.”
Now, if you are the parent whose child is being used in this way, I know how crazy-making that is. I know how infuriating it feels to have your character attacked through your own kid. And your anger makes complete sense.
But here is what I know from 17 years of sitting with families in this exact kind of pain: the moment you start fighting that battle through the child, you lose. Not the argument. You lose the child’s sense of safety.
The work, as hard as it is, is to find a way to get both parents into a room, whether that’s with a therapist, a mediator, a parenting coordinator, and start asking the real question. What system are we in together that is producing this in our kids? Because your children are always, always showing you the weather report of what’s happening between the two of you.
If you are not sure whether your child is already carrying that system, I walk through the signs and what to say in kids caught in the middle of divorce.
What they need more than anything is to know they don’t have to choose. And that takes both of you deciding the kids come first, even when the rage between you is real and legitimate.
That’s where the real work is.
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Why would a child lie about the other parent?
Kids don’t lie about parents out of nowhere. They lie because they’re caught in the middle of something that feels too big for them to hold, usually the loyalty conflict between their two homes. Your child is not a small manipulator. Your child is a scared kid trying to find their footing while the ground under the family is moving.
What do I do when my child lies about my ex, or about me?
Don’t treat your child like a witness in a courtroom. The moment you start cross examining them, you put more weight on their shoulders. Witness the scared part of them instead, tell them they don’t have to choose, and take the real conversation to the adults.
What if a parent tells a child to lie to the other parent?
Then the child is being used as a messenger in a fight that belongs to the adults. Your anger makes complete sense, but don’t answer it through your kid. Get both parents into a room with a mediator or a parenting coordinator and ask the real question: what system are we in together that is producing this in our kids?
Should I confront my ex about the lies?
Not through the child. The moment you start fighting that battle through the child, you lose. Not the argument. You lose the child’s sense of safety. Bring it to your ex directly, adult to adult, and keep the kids out of it.
If your child came home with a story about you that isn’t true, talk it through with Figlet before you answer them, so you respond to the fear and not the accusation.
Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with seventeen years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
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