Oh, this one lands right in my chest. Because what you’re describing, kids telling lies about the other parent, is one of those situations where the pain is just layered. There’s the immediate hurt of the lie itself, and then underneath that, there’s usually something much bigger going on.
First, let me say this clearly: a child who is telling lies about a parent is a child who is in pain. Full stop. That doesn’t mean the lying is okay. But it means we have to ask, what is this little person trying to do? What are they trying to solve? Because kids don’t lie about parents out of nowhere. They lie because they’re caught in the middle of something that feels too big for them to hold.
Now, here’s where it gets really important for you as a co-parenting couple or former couple. The question is whether those lies are being encouraged, consciously or unconsciously, by one parent. And that’s where I’d want to slow you way down.
If you are the parent hearing these lies, the worst thing you can do is interrogate your child or treat them like a witness in a courtroom. That little kid is already carrying something heavy. The moment you start cross-examining them, you just put more weight on their shoulders.
What I’d want you to do instead is what I call protecting the orphan’s sovereignty. That youngest, most scared part of your child, the one who feels like they have to manage the loyalty conflict between the two people they love most in the world, that part of them needs to be witnessed, not managed. You say something like, “Hey, it sounds like things feel really complicated between our two houses. I’m not gonna put you in the middle of that. You don’t have to solve anything for me.”
Now, if you are the parent whose child is being used in this way, I know how crazy-making that is. I know how infuriating it feels to have your character attacked through your own kid. And your anger makes complete sense.
But here is what I know from 20 years of sitting with families in this exact kind of pain: the moment you start fighting that battle through the child, you lose. Not the argument. You lose the child’s sense of safety.
The work, as hard as it is, is to find a way to get both parents into a room, whether that’s with a therapist, a mediator, a parenting coordinator, and start asking the real question. What system are we in together that is producing this in our kids? Because your children are always, always showing you the weather report of what’s happening between the two of you.
What they need more than anything is to know they don’t have to choose. And that takes both of you deciding the kids come first, even when the rage between you is real and legitimate.
That’s where the real work is.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
