I see this every week in my office. Parents sitting across from me, exhausted, saying “They just won’t communicate properly” about their co-parent. And I get it. You’re trying to coordinate schedules, share important information about your kids, make decisions together, and it’s like talking to a wall. Or worse, a wall that occasionally explodes.
First thing I want you to know: when communication shuts down between co-parents, it’s almost never just laziness or bad manners. There’s usually something underneath it. Fear, resentment, unprocessed grief from the relationship ending, a need for control when everything feels chaotic. That doesn’t excuse it, but it matters because your strategy needs to be informed by what’s actually driving it.
Is your co-parent the avoidant type? Going quiet, delaying responses, giving you one-word answers? Or are they reactive, explosive, inconsistent? These are different problems that need different approaches.
Here’s what I tell people in your situation: shrink the target. Make it as easy as possible for them to respond. Short messages. Single topics per message. No emotional content mixed into logistical requests. You’re not having a relationship with them anymore. You’re running a small business together, and the product is your children’s wellbeing.
Use text or a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents. Everything documented. No ambiguity. No room for “I never said that.” Think of it like sending work emails to a difficult colleague. Professional, clear, factual.
Instead of: “Can you please let me know about Johnny’s soccer schedule because you never tell me anything and I’m tired of finding out from other parents?”
Try: “Please send Johnny’s soccer schedule by Friday so I can arrange pickup on my weekends.”
And then, separate what you can control from what you cannot. You cannot make someone communicate well. You can make the structure around communication so clear and low-conflict that their failure to respond becomes visible and documented, which matters if this ever goes to court.
Sometimes the real issue isn’t poor communication skills. It’s that one parent is using communication as a way to maintain control or continue conflict. If you strip away their ability to hook you emotionally, they often start responding more functionally.
Your kids are watching how you handle this. They don’t need you to be perfect, but they need you to be steady. Focus on that, and let the rest go.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
