Look, I’m going to cut right to the heart of this because I see too many parents torturing themselves over which approach makes them the “better” parent. The truth is, both co-parenting and parallel parenting can be done with love. The difference is knowing which one your situation can actually handle.
Co-parenting is what everyone talks about as the ideal. You communicate regularly, coordinate schedules, present a unified front. Your kids see their parents as a team even though you’re not together. When it works, it’s beautiful. Kids feel less torn between worlds.
But here’s what no one tells you about co-parenting: it asks you to stay in relationship with someone who may have caused you significant pain. Every text about pickup times. Every decision about school events. Every conversation becomes a potential landmine if there isn’t genuine safety between you two.
Parallel parenting is what you move to when co-parenting is causing more harm than good. You minimize direct contact. Communication happens through email or apps. You disengage as much as possible while each of you parents fully during your time with the kids.
And I need you to hear this clearly: parallel parenting is not a failure. It’s not giving up. For high-conflict situations, it’s often the most loving thing you can do for your children because it removes them from the crossfire.
The question isn’t really about which approach sounds better on paper. It’s about how much contact with your ex dysregulates you, and how much that dysregulation spills onto your kids.
If every handoff becomes a battlefield, if every text sends you spiraling for hours, if the mere thought of coordinating with them makes your chest tight, then co-parenting isn’t protecting your children. It’s exposing them to ongoing conflict dressed up as cooperation.
I’ve seen parents push themselves into co-parenting arrangements that consistently retraumatize them, thinking they’re doing it “for the kids.” Meanwhile, their children are absorbing all that stress and conflict anyway.
The honest question to ask yourself is this: Can we be in regular contact without it consistently hurting one or both of us and, by extension, the kids? If the answer is no right now, parallel parenting isn’t defeat. It’s a boundary that protects everyone.
Your children need you emotionally available and regulated more than they need you coordinating with their other parent. Sometimes the most generous thing you can do is recognize when stepping back from direct collaboration actually serves them better than forcing a partnership that doesn’t exist.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
