Oh, I hear you. And I want you to take a breath, because what’s happening to you right now makes complete sense.
Here’s the thing about a baby coming into your relationship. You’ve just introduced the most profound attachment disruption imaginable. Not because something is wrong with you or your partner. But because you’ve both just had your primary attachment needs thrown into complete chaos, at the exact same time.
Think about what just happened. Before the baby, your partner was your person. The one your nervous system was constantly scanning for. “Are you there for me? Am I enough for you?” That’s what your body is always quietly asking, even when you think you’re just talking about dinner.
Now there’s this tiny, completely helpless little creature who needs EVERYTHING. And they need it now. And they cannot wait. They are the most urgent attachment signal in the room, every single time. And so you and your partner are suddenly both reaching for each other and getting… a baby. Or a depleted, overwhelmed person who just gave everything they had to the baby.
And your nervous system doesn’t process that logically. It just registers, “My person isn’t there for me.” And that feels, at the most primal level, like a threat. Not a disappointment. A threat. Like the dingo is coming and your person has their back turned.
So one of you starts to reach harder, maybe gets irritable, critical, demanding. “Why aren’t you HERE with me?” And the other one, who is already drowning in their own exhaustion and probably their own quiet terror of “am I doing this right, am I enough,” pulls back. Goes a little more silent. A little more absent. And now you’re both hurting, and you’re both making it worse for each other, and neither of you can see it because you’re both just in survival mode.
That’s the cycle. Four things, all the time, looping. You hurt inside. You protest. It lands on them. They hurt inside. They protest. It lands on you.
The fights are not about the baby. The fights are two people who love each other desperately, who are terrified they’ve lost each other, who cannot find a way to say, “I’m scared. I need you. I miss you. Come back to me.”
That’s what’s underneath all of it.
So the first thing I’d invite you to do is just notice that. The next time you feel that heat rising, ask yourself, before you say anything, “Am I angry right now, or am I actually scared?” Because I’d be willing to bet it’s fear. It almost always is.
You haven’t broken anything. You’re two people whose attachment system just got the biggest stress test of your lives. And the fact that you’re paying attention, the fact that you’re asking this question, that matters. That’s the beginning of finding your way back to each other.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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