I hear you. And I want to sit with that for a second, because “gaslighting” is one of those words that carries a lot of weight right now. It’s everywhere. And when you’re in pain in a relationship, when you feel like your reality is being dismissed or twisted, that word can feel like it finally names something real. And your pain is real. I’m not questioning that for a second.
But here is what I want to offer you, and I want to offer it carefully, because I genuinely care about what actually helps you.
When you confront your partner and they push back, deny, or see the situation completely differently than you do, that can feel like gaslighting. And sometimes it is. But sometimes, and this is the hard part to hear, sometimes two people are locked in a system together where you are both so convinced the other person is the problem that you are both, in your own ways, unable to see the other person’s reality. Not because either of you is malicious. Because you are both scared and hurting and defending yourselves.
I’ve sat with couples where one person came in having read every book on gaslighting and manipulation, and the other came in having read every book on walking on eggshells. And neither of them had a personality disorder. They were just two people caught in a cycle that was devastating both of them.
Now, is real gaslighting a thing? Absolutely. Is there real manipulation in some relationships? Yes. But the question I want to gently put in front of you is this: is it possible that what feels like gaslighting might also be two people who both feel unseen, and the confrontation itself is landing like an attack, which triggers a defensive shutdown?
Think about it like this. If I walked up to you and started yelling about how you never listen to me, your brain would probably go into protection mode too. You’d get defensive. You might even scramble to find reasons why I’m wrong, why actually I’m the one who doesn’t listen. That’s not gaslighting. That’s human.
The real question is: what happens right before you confront them? Are you already flooded? Are you coming in hot? Are they already braced for impact because they can sense your frustration from across the room?
That is usually where the real story lives. Not in whether they’re a manipulator, but in how the whole dance gets started in the first place.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
