I’m going to be straight with you about this because lying about drinking isn’t just a communication hiccup. It’s a red flag wrapped in shame and served with a side of active addiction issues. And no, my usual couples therapy toolkit isn’t going to fix this by itself.
When someone lies about their drinking, they’re not sitting there thinking “How can I mess with my partner’s head today?” They’re drowning in shame. The kind that sits in your chest like a brick. They already know they have a problem. They already hate themselves for it. And the thought of you seeing the full picture? That you might confirm what they already believe about themselves being a complete disappointment? That’s terrifying.
But here’s what I need you to hear loud and clear: understanding their shame doesn’t make the lying okay. Trust is the foundation everything else stands on in a relationship. Without it, you’re building a house on quicksand.
I’ve sat with couples where one partner swears they had “just two beers” while the other is finding empty bottles hidden in the garage. The lying becomes this awful dance where everyone knows what’s happening, but nobody can talk about it honestly.
The person drinking is managing their shame by controlling information. The partner is managing their anxiety by becoming a detective. Neither one is actually dealing with the real issue: there’s addiction in the room, and it needs professional help.
Here’s the thing about addiction and relationships. Your love, your support, your understanding? None of that is going to cure someone’s drinking problem. That work has to come from them, with professional support specifically designed for addiction.
What you can control is what you’re willing to accept. Some questions to sit with: Are they acknowledging there’s a problem? Are they actively seeking help? Or are you getting more promises and explanations while the behavior stays exactly the same?
I’ve seen relationships survive addiction when both people commit to doing their own work. I’ve also seen people waste years trying to love someone sober while enabling their continued drinking through accepting lie after lie.
The hardest part? Sometimes loving someone means refusing to participate in their self-destruction, even when walking away feels impossible. Your gut already knows more than you want to admit about what’s really happening here.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
