You know, I get asked some version of this question a lot. And I want to sit with you in it for a second before I give you any kind of checklist, because the fact that you’re asking it matters. People who feel genuinely secure in their relationships rarely Google this question at whatever hour you’re reading this.
So let’s start there. Your gut brought you here. That’s worth something.
Now, “toxic” is a word that gets thrown around a lot, and I want to be honest with you. In my sixteen years of clinical work, I’ve rarely seen a relationship that was purely toxic, meaning one person is the villain and the other is the victim. What I see far more often is two people who are genuinely hurting each other because they’re both scared, both protecting themselves, and both completely stuck in a pattern neither of them chose.
That said, here’s what I actually look for:
Do you feel smaller in this relationship than you do outside of it? Not just after fights. Generally. Over time. Are you editing yourself, shrinking yourself, managing yourself to keep the peace?
Is the pain one-directional? Meaning, does one person’s distress consistently cost the other person their own wellbeing, safety, or sense of self? That asymmetry is worth paying close attention to.
Is repair possible? Every couple fights. What matters is what happens after. Can you both come back to each other? Can you say “that hurt” and be heard? Or does every attempt at honesty just open another wound?
Are you afraid? Not anxious. Afraid. There is a difference. Anxiety is “I don’t know if we’re okay.” Fear is “I don’t know if I’m safe.” If it’s the second one, please tell someone you trust. That changes the conversation significantly.
And here’s the one I find most telling, the question I often ask people sitting right where you are:
When you imagine leaving, do you feel grief or relief?
Grief means you love something real and it’s struggling. Relief means some part of you has already done the math.
Neither answer is simple. But both answers are honest.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Emotional Safety in Relationships: What It Means and How to Build It
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