One bit of advice that has emerged from the last 50 years of the personal development movement is to ask for our needs to be met.
As a therapist, this drives me crazy.
Of course, it’s not the asking that’s bad. It’s the how of it that mucks it all up. Because in the very moment you’re inspired to ask another to adjust their way of being in the world, you are probably behaving in a threatened/threatening way that is not easy to hear or empathize with. Often, our expectations of others drive this behavior, and adjusting these expectations can lead to more peace. You are more likely to make things worse.
Understanding the Impact on Relationships
It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to control our partner’s actions or responses, especially when we feel upset or vulnerable. But the reality is, when we try to control someone else, we often end up creating distance and tension in the relationship. This kind of dynamic can leave both people feeling misunderstood, resentful, or even hurt.
Taking responsibility for our own happiness and emotional state is a game-changer. When we recognize that our partner isn’t responsible for our feelings, we gain the ability to set healthy boundaries and communicate more openly. For example, instead of demanding that your partner always text you “good morning,” you might share how it makes you feel cared for, but also acknowledge that your happiness doesn’t hinge on that one gesture. This shift creates a sense of mutual respect and understanding, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
By reflecting on our own emotions and behaviors, we can see how our attempts to control or change our partner might actually be getting in the way of the connection we crave. When we focus on what we can control—our own responses, our own happiness—we create space for both people to feel safe and valued. This not only leads to a more fulfilling relationship, but also helps us grow as individuals. The more we take responsibility for our own emotional state, the more we gain in terms of self-awareness and the ability to create the kind of relationship we truly want.
How do you communicate a genuine desire for change?
Start by sharing your experience.
For example, my wife Teale used to accidentally leave the key in the front door, and it became a big issue for us. I’d see the key in the knob, my heart would race, and I’d react. I needed her to stop.
Asking her to meet my needs sounded like this: “Teale, you left the key in the door again. You know how dangerous that is! I’ve asked you before and I will ask you again, please don’t do that!”
Sharing my experience sounds like this: “Teale, when I see the key left in the door, I get really worried. I freak out a little inside at the thought of how exposed our family is to being robbed or worse. I also get worried that by sharing this, you’ll either feel criticized or not care, so I end up feeling helpless. It’s a big deal for me.”
When sharing your experience, it’s important to use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings without placing blame, such as saying, “I feel overwhelmed when last-minute requests are added to my schedule.” This helps your message sound more caring and makes it easier for your partner to genuinely understand your perspective.
Which one do you think is better for our relationship? Hint: it’s not the one where I criticize her and then tell her how to fix it. Nobody likes that. Ever. My chances of being heard increase when I can share my experience of what happens inside me when I see the key left in the door.
Another helpful approach is the ‘conversational sandwich’ technique: start with a positive statement, insert your request for change, and end with another positive statement. This structure can improve your partner’s response and makes the conversation sound more supportive and caring.
If only it were that easy to resolve all of your conflicts! Cobble together the right words and lay them lovingly at your partner’s feet. But that’s not the way we’re built.
You can’t expect to dive right into sharing your experience without first reacting to it. Humans are hardwired to react to things that cause pain, physically and emotionally. It’s like thinking you can train yourself to never flinch. Not gonna happen, my friend.
You should never underestimate the level of pain you can experience when you feel your partner hasn’t met your needs. It’s because your partner is so important to you that an everyday argument becomes a full-fledged war of attrition and detente.
This means that during the precise moment you need to be present and aware, you’re going to be in some type of pain. And when you’re in pain you react. You’ll feel the least able to share, but press on. Notice your reactivity, become curious about what’s happening inside you, and then share that experience with your partner. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable during these conversations, but that discomfort can lead to growth and deeper understanding.
You just can’t expect to do this sans temporary reactivity. It’s the hardest concept for my clients to accept and surrender to (and sometimes for me, too). Everyone wants to avoid conflict or moments of disconnection. But that’s impossible, and it would be bad for your relationship if you did. Moments of disconnection, while painful, are opportunities to feel, share, and love up the most vulnerable parts of each other.
If you were watching the two of you in a film, you could see your shared cycle of pain clearly. And it might even be more comedy than tragedy. The trigger, your reaction to the trigger, your partner’s reaction to your reaction, ad infinitum.
But when you’re in the moment, you’re feeling it and there’s nothing funny about it. Your brain gets hijacked** when you feel threatened and it causes you to react.** You feel unimportant or rejected or hopeless. You don’t feel heard, considered or valued. You judge your partner for all the ways they fail and disappoint you. You decide your pain is their fault. You blame, criticize, shame, or withdraw.
When communicating your needs, use clear, direct language to state what you need, and avoid over-explaining or apologizing, as this can dilute your message and make it less likely to be genuinely received.
What I’m asking you to do is allow yourself to have your reaction, and then move on to the next step to stop the cycle: notice your reactivity ASAP, become curious about what’s happening inside you, and then share it the moment you’re able.
It won’t be easy. And you will fail. But it is only through your failure that the opportunity arises to practice shifting your gaze from A) the absolute certainty of what another must do so you aren’t triggered now or ever to B) your own internal activation and the reasons you feel the way you do.
With practice you’ll improve the time it takes to move through it, but you will always react. Use your reaction as an invitation to ask yourself, What is it in me that’s triggered right now and can I share that underlying part instead?
When you make a request or set a boundary, remember that a boundary without a consequence is merely a request. Be clear about what will happen if your boundary is crossed, so your partner can genuinely understand the importance of your needs.
You’ll get plenty of practice because … shit happens.
You’d think that two conscious couples counselors would have this relationship stuff perfected. But here’s what it looks like for me on the receiving end of Teale’s reactivity:
If I tell her I’ll be home at 7 pm and then stroll in at 8 pm, Teale might say, “What time do you call this? I need you to be home when you say you’ll be home.”
It’s understandable that she’s upset but the problem is that I don’t hear what Teale is saying: that it was hard for her to not know when I’d be home because I’m important to her. Instead, I hear that I’ve disappointed my wife, reinforcing my hidden feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. As a consequence, I’ll react defensively to avoid feeling the pain of not being enough. I may minimize her concern, shut down, withdraw, or criticize her.
Ouch! The situation goes from bad to worse.
Teale was longing for me to come home, feeling anxious and not important enough to be met on time, and now that we are finally together, we are in a fight. It’s tragic.
If you want to be heard, focus on genuinely expressing your needs and genuine desire, rather than making demands. This fosters a more authentic response and helps your partner feel safe to engage in meaningful talk and explain their own feelings, leading to deeper connection. When you catch yourself judging your partner, pause and talk openly—explain your feelings and what you need, rather than assuming your partner knows what you want.
This is the moment when Teale and I both take steps to stop our cycle of pain:
1. See the cycle we are stuck in together.
2. Become aware of our own vulnerable experience that got activated because being connected is so important.
4. Acknowledge how our own behavior has contributed to this painful moment between us. Sometimes, there are other issues at play, such as unresolved emotional struggles, that may require additional support.
5. Share and be receptive to each other about that vulnerable internal place that gets touched in disconnected moments. Practicing ‘loving detachment’ involves recognizing that demanding behavior often reflects the other person’s internal struggles, not your worth.
Taking space when needed is important for both partners. Each person is responsible for their own emotional state, and respecting boundaries around taking space can help maintain healthy relationship dynamics.
Afterwards Teale may say, “When you came home an hour late, I felt like I wasn’t considered and it was hard for me because feeling considered by you means a lot to me. Thinking I didn’t matter made me sad. Figs, I get that this is what was happening inside me underneath the disapproval.” Values-based decisions should guide your boundaries, and it’s important to prioritize your own commitments over accommodating excessive demands.
The trick is to share more about yourself and focus less on requests, descriptions and questions for your partner. When managing overly demanding individuals, it is important to clearly define what you are and are not willing to do.
Now that I’ve hammered my point home, I’m throwing in a surprise twist.
Realize when you are falling into old patterns or struggle with the same issues—this awareness can help you break the cycle. Losing attachment to being right or in control can help foster compassion and authentic connection.
There are two scenarios where you can ask for your needs to be met.
Scenario one: You both feel so completely met and unconditionally loved by the other that there isn’t a whiff of threat. In a healthy relationship, there are absolutely non-negotiable qualities and behaviors that must be present for both partners to feel safe.
If you find yourself in this scenario, you can ask each other for every need you ever longed to have met. Why? Because if you’re looking at each other this way, your limbic system won’t feel any threat. And if the threat is not there, the part of you that can be perceived as threatening is also gone.
People often have conditional love towards others, which creates suffering for both sides. Recognizing and addressing this can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Unconditional love is best modeled by the way parents care for their children. Parents naturally prioritize their children’s happiness, health, and success, offering long-term, genuine compassion. This kind of parental love and support for kids is a powerful analogy for the compassion and understanding that should exist in healthy adult relationships.
Scenario two: You are so deeply immersed in your own vulnerability and pain that there’s no blame in the equation. Hope for a specific outcome can sometimes lead to controlling behaviors, and letting go of false hope can foster understanding.
Please note: This scenario assumes you both are practiced in seeing your past conflicts as jointly created misadventures borne out of your importance to each other and not as moments of condemnation.
If your painful thoughts and feelings don’t end in because of you, (expressed or implied) you can ask for your needs to be met. Since your focus is on your deep vulnerability, your partner is less likely to perceive you as a threat. And the fear that you need to overcome in order to turn toward your partner from this place of suffering can compel your partner to comfort and soothe you.
Ultimately, the goal is not to have a perfect relationship or never get into a fight. It’s to recognize what the disconnections are really about so you can end a fight faster, repair, and feel connected again. It’s only through feeling, acknowledging, and sharing these experiences that you can give and receive love and feel the emotional bond you’ve longed for all your life. And just maybe get some of those needs met. Acts of compassion and understanding can also lead to future benefits in the relationship, creating a foundation for ongoing support and happiness.
Another advantage is having insight into your own emotional needs and attachment styles—therapy can provide this understanding, helping you build stronger, more compassionate connections.
Cultivating Own Happiness
One of the most powerful things you can do for your relationship is to focus on cultivating your own happiness. When you take a few minutes each day to check in with your emotional state, practice self-care, or simply do something that brings you joy, you’re building self confidence and resilience. This doesn’t just benefit you—it has a ripple effect on your relationship, too.
When you feel good about yourself and take responsibility for your own well-being, you’re less likely to fall into the trap of expecting your partner to “fix” your emotions or make you happy. Instead, you bring a sense of wholeness and confidence into the relationship, which can lead to more genuine connection and support. Setting boundaries, for example, is a way of honoring your own needs without demanding that someone else meet them for you. It’s about saying, “This is what I need to feel comfortable and happy,” and then taking steps to create that for yourself.
Engaging in activities that light you up—whether it’s spending time with friends, pursuing a hobby, or simply taking a walk—can help you feel more balanced and joyful. When you focus on your own happiness, you create a healthy dynamic where both partners are responsible for their own emotional state. This sense of self-reliance and joy can lead to a more supportive, loving relationship, where both people feel empowered to grow and thrive together. Ultimately, the more you invest in your own happiness, the more you have to give to your partner and the relationship as a whole.
Thanks for reading. If you liked this please share it! It would mean a lot to me. 🙂
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