Let me sit with you in this for a moment, because “trust destroyed by multiple lies” is not a small thing you’re describing. That is a specific kind of devastation. Not a single mistake you can point to and say “there, that’s the crack in the wall.” Multiple lies means the ground itself shifted. You weren’t just hurt once. You were hurt, and then you thought you understood what happened, and then you found out you didn’t, and then it happened again. That layering is its own particular trauma.
Here is what I want you to understand first: trust isn’t one thing. People talk about it like it’s a single structure, like a bridge that either stands or collapses. But trust is actually more like a collection of smaller agreements you didn’t even know you’d made. “I can believe what you tell me.” “You won’t let me feel safe in something that isn’t real.” “When I’m confused, you’ll help me find the truth.” Multiple lies don’t just break trust. They break your ability to trust your own perception.
That’s what makes this so destabilizing. It’s not just about them. It starts to be about you. About whether you can read a room, whether your gut means anything, whether your sense of reality is reliable.
So before we even talk about whether this relationship can rebuild, I want to ask you something: where are you right now with yourself? Because the internal work of recovering from repeated deception has to happen whether or not this relationship continues.
Now, if you are asking whether repair is possible after multiple lies, my honest clinical answer is: sometimes yes, and it requires something very specific from the person who lied. Not just an apology. Apologies are almost useless at this stage. What’s required is what I’d call the Proof of Work of Love. That means the visible, felt, sustained evidence that the person who caused the harm is doing the actual labor of rebuilding.
Not grand gestures. Not declarations. Work. Transparency they weren’t asked to give. Accountability that doesn’t wait for you to investigate. Sitting with your pain without defending themselves or rushing you to heal.
Without that, you are not in a repair process. You are in a waiting process. And waiting is not healing.
The person who lied to you repeatedly has to understand that they didn’t just break an agreement. They broke your ability to know what’s real. That requires a level of sustained accountability that most people find uncomfortable. It means living in the discomfort of having caused real harm, for as long as it takes.
Here’s what I know after sixteen years of doing this work: your nervous system remembers every lie. Your body keeps the score of deception. That hypervigilance you feel? That’s not you being dramatic. That’s you being smart. Trust your instincts, even when rebuilding feels impossible.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
