You know, I love this question because it’s asking something really practical, and I want to give you a useful answer. But I have to be honest with you: there isn’t really a list of “forbidden words” that I hand out at the beginning of sessions. What matters more is the spirit behind what you’re saying.
Here’s what I see blow things up in the room, again and again.
The biggest one is going in with a speech. You’ve been rehearsing your case all week. You’ve got your evidence, your timeline, your receipts. And you walk in ready to prosecute. That is not therapy. That is a courtroom. And the moment you start presenting your case, your partner’s nervous system reads danger and they go defensive, or they shut down completely. Now we’ve lost the room.
The second one, and this is so common, is saying “you always” and “you never.” The second those words come out, your partner stops hearing anything after them. All they hear is “you are fundamentally broken and you have always been this way.” That is not a door opening. That is a door slamming.
The third thing, and this one is subtle, is using therapy language as a weapon. People come in having done some reading, which I love, I genuinely love it. But then they say things like “you’re being emotionally unavailable” or “that’s just your attachment style” in a way that’s designed to win, not to connect. That’s armor dressed up as insight.
Here’s the deeper truth underneath all of this. Couples therapy is not the place to finally be heard. I know that sounds harsh. But what I mean is, if you come in just trying to get *me* to validate your side, we’re going to spin our wheels forever. What the room is actually for is getting underneath all the noise, all the positions and the arguments, and finding what’s actually happening emotionally for both of you.
The couples I sit with who make the most progress are the ones willing to be surprised by themselves. To say something they didn’t plan to say. To feel something they didn’t expect to feel. That’s when the real work happens.
So the short answer to what not to say? Don’t say anything you’re just saying to win. Come in ready to be a little lost. That’s actually where we want to start.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
