You know, I want to sit with that question for a second, because I think the way you’re asking it tells me something important. “Why does she push me away.” You’re asking it like it’s about her. Like there’s something happening in her that is pointed at you.
And I get that. I really do. Because from where you’re standing, that’s exactly what it feels like.
But here’s what I’ve learned after 16 years of sitting in rooms with couples who are absolutely convinced the other person is the source of the fire: what looks like pushing away is almost never actually pushing away. It’s protecting. She is doing something that once upon a time kept her safe, and her nervous system has not gotten the memo that the old danger isn’t here anymore.
Think of it this way. Imagine I walk into a burning building, right? And I find two people in there. And I say, hey, I know the way out. And one of them looks at me and says, no, I’m staying. I’m going to tell you more about why it makes sense that I’m lighting this fire. And the other one says, yeah, hand me the gasoline. That’s not two people who don’t love each other. That’s two people who are terrified, and terror makes us do things that look nothing like love, even when love is the whole reason we’re scared in the first place.
She pushes you away because you matter to her. You are close enough to hurt her. You are the most important person in the room, which means you are also the most dangerous person in the room, at least to that youngest, most wounded part of her.
What I’d want to know, if you were sitting across from me right now, is this: what happens in you when she does it? Because I promise you, whatever you do in response to feeling pushed away, she experiences that as confirmation of the very thing she was afraid of. And whatever she does when she senses your reaction, you experience as more pushing. That’s the system. That’s the loop. And both of you are in it together, even though it feels like she’s doing something to you.
The question isn’t really why does she push you away. The question is, what are the two of you doing to each other, and can you start to see it as a shared thing rather than a her thing?
That’s where the real work begins.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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