You know, I want to gently push back on something before we even get into attachment styles, because I think the framing matters here.
When people come to me and say “we’re in a toxic relationship,” the first thing I notice is whether they’re pointing at the relationship as the problem, or pointing at each other. And here’s why that matters: the moment someone says “we have a toxic dynamic” rather than “they are toxic” or “I am toxic,” something has already shifted. That’s actually huge. That’s the beginning of seeing the system.
Now, to your question about attachment styles in these kinds of relationships.
Here’s what I see over and over again in my work. Most people assume that toxic cycles happen because two very different, mismatched people ended up together. But actually, what I find is that people tend to end up in long-term relationships with someone who carries a roughly similar level of wounding. It just doesn’t always look that way from the outside.
The most common pattern I see, probably 70 to 80 percent of the time, is this: one person’s deepest wound is around “am I important to you, am I wanted, am I your priority?” And they end up with someone whose deepest wound is “am I good enough, is right now okay, why can’t this moment be enough?” One person is always reaching for more closeness. The other is always trying to find some ground to stand on, some stillness, some sense that they’re acceptable.
And here’s the painful part. Neither of them thinks their behavior is coming from a wounded place. The person reaching for closeness thinks they’re just being reasonable. The person pulling back thinks they’re just trying to keep the peace. They both think they’re speaking rationally. But their entire orientation to the relationship, to love, to connection—it’s all being run by their attachment history. Their nervous systems are old. Their reactions are ancient.
I sometimes describe it like this. Imagine one person says “if you brought me two donuts, I would feel loved.” And the other person says “but I already brought you one donut, why isn’t that enough?” They’re both completely sincere. And they’re completely missing each other. Because the donut isn’t really about the donut.
What I want people to understand about attachment styles is this: knowing your attachment style is describing the mango. It’s useful information. But it doesn’t change anything on its own. What actually changes things is tasting the mango together. Meaning, both partners getting into the live, felt, present moment experience of how they are each hurting, and how they are each accidentally hurting each other, at exactly the same time.
That’s what I call an empathy squared experience. Not just one person being heard. Both people, in the same moment, seeing the shared tragedy of their disconnection with compassion for themselves and for each other. That’s when a toxic cycle starts to soften.
So yes, attachment styles matter. But they’re the map, not the territory. The territory is the two of you, in the room, in the moment, willing to stop hosting conferences on each other’s flaws and start asking what you’re each so afraid of underneath all the noise.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Your Love Pattern Shapes Your Bond
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