You know what, I want to sit with you in this for a second, because “won’t commit” is such a loaded phrase, and I want to make sure we’re actually talking about what’s really happening here.
Here’s what I know about avoidant partners, and I’ve sat with hundreds of them. They are not broken. They are not cold. They are not trying to hurt you. What they are is terrified. Genuinely, deeply terrified. And here’s the thing that kills me, because it’s so ironic it almost makes you want to laugh if it didn’t hurt so much: the closer you get, the more they feel the danger. Not the danger of you specifically. The danger of needing you. The danger of losing themselves in wanting you.
In the work I do, I call that person the reluctant lover. They absolutely want connection. They want what you have. But every time they look outside their little portal at the possibility of really going there with you, it doesn’t feel safe enough. Not yet. Always next Tuesday.
Now here’s what I need you to hear, and this might sting a little.
When you are chasing commitment from an avoidant partner, the two of you have almost certainly already locked into a cycle together. You move toward them wanting more, wanting reassurance, wanting to know this is real. And they feel that coming, and something in their organism goes, “too much, too close, danger,” and they pull back. And when they pull back, you get scared. So you move toward them harder. And they pull back further.
You are both scaring the living daylights out of each other. You’re both hurting. Neither of you is the villain.
What your avoidant partner is doing, underneath all of it, is protecting themselves from the worst feeling they know. Which is being a disappointment. Being not enough. Being rejected. Getting close and then losing it. So they manage the risk by never fully arriving.
The question I would want to sit with you on is this: what happens inside you when they pull back? Not what you do, but what you feel. Because that feeling, that scared, small, “am I enough, are you really here for me” feeling, that is where the real work lives. For both of you.
This is not something that gets fixed by a conversation about the future or an ultimatum about timelines. I’ve seen people try that. It almost never works, and sometimes it makes things worse, because now the avoidant partner feels cornered, and a cornered person cannot open their heart.
What actually moves an avoidant partner is when they feel safe enough to feel their own fear. When the cycle slows down enough that they can actually touch what’s underneath all that distance. And that, honestly, usually needs a guide. Someone who can be in the room with both of you and help you see the system you’ve built together, and start to dismantle it from the inside.
What I can tell you is this: if there is love there, and there is real wanting underneath the distance, this is workable. I’ve seen it. Over and over again.
But you cannot chase someone into commitment. You can only create conditions safe enough for them to choose it themselves.
Where Does Your Relationship Stand?
Take the free Empathi Wisdom Score assessment. In 5 minutes, get a personalized snapshot of your relationship patterns and what to do about them.
Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Attachment Styles in Relationships: How Your Love Pattern Shapes Your Bond
Explore More Topics
