This is a really important question, and I am glad you are asking it before you walk into a therapist’s office rather than after.
Here is the honest lay of the land.
Confidentiality in couples therapy is different from individual therapy, and most people do not know that going in.
When you come in as a couple, the “client” is typically the relationship itself, not either of you as individuals. That distinction matters. Here is what it means practically:
What stays in the room: Almost everything shared in your sessions together is confidential from the outside world. Your therapist cannot tell your employer, your family, your kids’ school, any of that. The usual limits apply, meaning if someone is in danger of harming themselves or someone else, or if there is child abuse or elder abuse, the therapist has a legal and ethical obligation to report. That is true everywhere.
The trickier question: individual secrets. Some couples therapists, myself included, will not hold secrets from one partner on behalf of the other. If you call me between sessions and tell me something your partner does not know, I am not going to be your secret keeper. That dynamic poisons the work. Other therapists handle this differently, so ask your therapist directly: “What is your policy if one of us discloses something privately that the other does not know?”
Think of it this way: I am not Switzerland. I am not neutral territory where you can stash your secrets and hope they stay buried. I am working for the relationship, which means both of you need to know what is happening in the room.
Some therapists will hold secrets for a limited time while they help the secret-keeper figure out how to disclose. Others refuse to take individual calls at all. There is no universal standard, which is why you need to ask upfront.
Here is what I tell every couple on day one: anything you tell me alone, I consider fair game for our joint sessions. If you are not ready for your partner to know something, do not tell me either. Work on that piece in individual therapy first.
Ask that question before your first session. It will tell you a lot about how that therapist works. If they hem and haw or give you a vague answer, find someone else. You deserve to know the rules before you start playing the game.
The goal is not to create a space for more secrets. The goal is to create a space where the truth can finally breathe.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
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