You know, this is actually a question I love getting, because it tells me someone’s already committed to doing the work. They’re not asking *whether* to go. They’re asking how to get the most out of it. That’s huge.
So let me tell you what I know from seventeen years of sitting in that room with couples.
You hold a flawless case against them, yet nothing changes.
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The single biggest thing you can do to maximize couples therapy is to walk in already willing to let go of your private story about who the villain is. Most people come in with a beautifully constructed case against their partner. They’ve rehearsed it. They’ve got evidence. And I get it, I really do. But that story, as true and as valid as your pain is, is only half the picture. You are one tree in a two-tree woods. Your view of the woods is real, but it is not complete.
The couples that get the most out of therapy are the ones who can make the shift from “my partner is the problem” to “our pattern is the problem.” That shift, right there, is doing more work than six months of sessions where both people just take turns presenting their case.
The second thing is, and I know this sounds counterintuitive, do not rush toward fixing anything. The couples who come in wanting immediate solutions almost always stall out. What actually has to happen first is understanding. You have to map the cycle you are both caught in before you can change it. Think of it like a new virus spreading. As much as you want the cure immediately, you cannot get to the cure without first studying what the virus actually is and how it works.
The third thing is tolerance. And I mean that literally. When therapy starts working, when you actually start feeling connected and met and loved in the room, most people panic and exit the moment. They go to the past, “well you weren’t like this yesterday,” or they go to the future, “I don’t trust this will last.” And they bail on the very moment they have been starving for. So your job in therapy is to practice staying. Staying in the present moment when connection actually shows up. That is harder than it sounds.
And the last thing I will say is this. Repair is the whole game. What you are building in therapy is not a perfect relationship. You are building the capacity to go from disconnected back to connected, again and again. That repeated act of coming back to each other, that is your proof of work of love. That is the visible, felt evidence that you did the hard thing, that you showed up for each other through real pain. Every time you do that, you are building something that actually lasts.
So show up. Stay curious about your partner’s pain. And for the love of God, resist the urge to make your therapist choose sides.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
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