You know what’s one of the loneliest feelings in the world? Being lonely in a marriage.
Because at least when you’re single and lonely, it makes sense. You’re alone. But when you’re lying next to someone, sharing a kitchen, sharing a last name, and still feeling this hollow ache of disconnection… that’s a particular kind of pain. It can make you feel crazy. Like something is fundamentally wrong with you, or with them, or with the whole thing.
I want you to hear this clearly: what you’re describing is one of the most common things I see in my office. It doesn’t mean your marriage is broken. It means your marriage is asking for something.
Here’s what I’ve learned after sixteen years sitting with couples: disconnection doesn’t usually happen all at once. It creeps. It’s a hundred small moments where one person reached and the other didn’t reach back. Not out of malice. Usually out of distraction, or fear, or just plain not knowing how.
Maybe it started when you stopped sharing the small stuff. The weird dream you had. The thing your coworker said that bugged you. The moment you saw a cardinal and thought of your grandmother. These seem like nothing, but they’re everything. They’re the threads that weave intimacy.
Or maybe it’s deeper than that. Maybe you’ve been performing your marriage instead of living it. Doing all the right things, checking all the boxes, but somewhere along the way you both forgot to actually show up as yourselves. You became teammates managing a household instead of lovers choosing each other.
The loneliness you’re feeling is actually important information. It’s telling you that you still want something from this relationship. People who have truly given up don’t feel lonely in their marriage. They feel numb. Lonely means you’re still reaching toward something.
Here’s what I know: your partner is probably lonely too. They might not name it that way, might not even be conscious of it, but that wall you feel between you? They’re on the other side of it.
The path back starts with the smallest things. Eye contact when you’re talking. Putting the phone down when they walk in the room. Asking “how was your day?” and actually waiting for the real answer, not the reflexive “fine.”
It starts with one person being brave enough to say: “I miss you. You’re right here, but I miss you.”
The question isn’t whether your marriage can survive feeling this disconnected. The question is: are you both willing to do the uncomfortable work of actually seeing each other again?
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Feeling Disconnected from Spouse? What It Means and What to Do
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