Look, I want to be honest with you. I haven’t gone deep into the mechanics of increasing physical touch as a standalone topic. But I can tell you something that I think matters more than any technique I could hand you.
Here’s what I know about touch from the work I do. When I talked about first dates, I mentioned something about a gentle touch on the arm, below the elbow, nothing dramatic. And the reason that little touch works isn’t because it’s romantic or clever. It’s because it speaks directly to the limbic system, the actual threatened little animal inside the other person. It tells their body, before their brain even registers it: you are safe here.
Now bring that into a marriage. If you and your partner are caught in that painful loop where one of you is quietly asking “are you there for me?” and the other is asking “am I enough for you?”, touch is going to feel loaded. It’s going to feel like a request. And the moment it feels like a request, the other person’s system goes on alert.
I see this all the time. One partner reaches out, literally, and the other partner’s body recoils before they even know why. It’s not personal. It’s protection.
So here’s what I would ask you to consider. Before you strategize about how to get more physical touch, get curious about what’s happening emotionally between the two of you right now. Because in my experience, when touch has dried up in a marriage, it’s almost never really about touch. It’s about whether it feels safe to be that close to each other.
Maybe one of you feels criticized or controlled. Maybe the other feels rejected or not good enough. Maybe there’s resentment sitting between you like a wall. Touch requires vulnerability, and vulnerability requires safety.
Start with tiny moments of connection that have nothing to do with sex or romance. A hand on a shoulder while they’re making coffee. A brief squeeze of the arm when they tell you about their day. Touch that says “I’m here” instead of “I want something.”
Pay attention to your partner’s response. If their body softens, you’re on the right track. If they tense up or pull away, that’s information too. Don’t take it personally. Take it seriously.
The couples who rebuild physical intimacy aren’t the ones who follow a formula. They’re the ones who get curious about what safety looks like for each other, and they work on creating that first.
The touch follows the safety. Work on the safety first.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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