Let me tell you something that might surprise you: the day I stop seeing a couple is often the most important session we’ll have together. Not because the work is over, but because it’s finally beginning without me.
Most couples think therapy ends when the yelling stops. That’s like saying you’ve learned to drive because you can start the car. The real question isn’t whether you can behave yourselves in my office. It’s whether you can find each other when life gets messy at 11 PM on a Tuesday and I’m nowhere to be found.
I think about termination as a graduation, not a goodbye. You’ve been building something together, session by session. Real tools. Real moments of repair. Real evidence that you can come back to each other after the inevitable ruptures that make us human.
That evidence is what I call your “proof of work of love.” It’s the record of every hard conversation you showed up for, every moment you chose connection over being right. A good termination honors that record.
Here’s what I’m watching for before we start talking about wrapping up:
Can you name your cycle? Not just intellectually understand it, but actually catch yourselves mid-spin and think, “Oh, this is our pattern talking, not my partner being my enemy.”
Can you reach for each other? Even clumsily. Even when you’re scared. When one person says “I’m hurt,” can the other move toward that vulnerability instead of building walls?
Can you repair without me playing referee? Arguments will still happen. That’s marriage, not pathology. But can you find your way back to solid ground without needing me to broker the peace treaty?
When those three things are mostly happening, we start planning your exit ramp. I usually suggest a gradual taper. Monthly check-ins for a while, then maybe a six-month follow-up. It’s like training wheels you can take off slowly.
And here’s what I tell every couple on their last day: my door stays open. Coming back isn’t failure. Coming back is wisdom. Life has a way of throwing curveballs at even the strongest relationships.
The real magic happens in your living room, your kitchen, your car on the way to dinner. That’s where you discover whether you’ve really learned to dance together or just memorized the steps for my benefit.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
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