Oh, that’s such a real question. And I love that you’re asking it before you even walk in the door, because it tells me you’re already thinking about this seriously.
Here’s the honest answer: yes, you might fight in couples therapy. And that’s actually okay. In fact, sometimes a couple walks in the door already at it, not even looking at each other, fuming. I’ve had that happen more times than I can count. And I don’t sit back and go all soft and mellow while that’s happening. I get in amongst it. That’s part of the work.
You start arguing before you even sit on the couch.
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But here’s what I want you to understand about what a fight in the therapy room actually is.
What looks like a fight on the surface is really two people doing what I call the Waltz of Pain. It takes two to waltz, right? One person does their 1-2-3 step, which is a negative judgment of their partner, a reactive emotion with a “because of you” attached to it, and then a protective behavior like blaming or shutting down. And that lands on their partner, who then does their own 1-2-3 right back. One, two, three. One, two, three. A rhythm of misunderstanding.
And what I’m doing while that’s happening is not taking sides. I’m watching the dance. I’m looking at the system the two of you are co-creating together. Because you’re not broken people. You’re two people who are hurting and protecting themselves from each other in ways that are making things worse.
The goal in the room is to help you both step back and see what you’re co-creating. To move from two separate suffering bubbles into one shared relationship suffering bubble, where you can both say, “Look at what we’re doing to each other. We’re both hurting here.”
Now, here’s the other thing I want to say, and I say this from my own experience, because Tilo and I have done our own couples therapy and shared it publicly. Going into the hard places, the scary conversations, the fights, the disconnection, it can feel in the moment like things are going in a really bad direction. But trusting the process of going into those places? That’s actually where the good stuff is. That’s where connection gets rebuilt.
The fight in the room isn’t the problem. The fight in the room is the door.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
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