You know what’s wild? Most couples come in here wanting a script. They want me to hand them a laminated card that says “Step 1, say this. Step 2, breathe. Step 3, problem solved.” And I get it. That desire makes complete sense. When things are blowing up in your kitchen at 10pm, you want a tool.
But here’s what I’ve learned after sixteen years of sitting with couples in real pain: the reason your arguments don’t de-escalate quickly isn’t because you lack the right words. It’s because you’re trying to use words when your nervous systems are already in full tiger mode. And you cannot reason two tigers out of a fight.
So the first thing I want you to understand is this. The argument you’re having? The actual topic, whether it’s dishes or money or whose turn it is to call the in-laws? That’s what I call “drag and drop content.” It’s a red herring. Your nervous system has already decided something much more frightening is happening. It’s decided you don’t feel loved, or you don’t feel adequate, or you’re not safe with this person right now. And the moment your nervous system makes that call, communication skills become almost completely useless.
This is why I often say that teaching communication techniques to a couple mid-escalation is like handing someone a grammar textbook while their house is on fire.
The first move is to stop trying to solve the content and start asking what the moment is really about underneath. Not out loud, necessarily. But internally. What are you actually afraid of right now? Not “I’m angry about the dishes.” Deeper. “I’m afraid I don’t matter to you.” That’s usually the thing.
The second move is understanding that both of you are hurting simultaneously. If one of you is escalating, the other one is also hurting and reacting, even if it looks different on the outside. One person might be loud and chasing, the other might be cold and withdrawing. Both are in pain. Both are scared. When you can hold onto that truth, even a little, it becomes harder to see your partner as the enemy.
And the third thing, honestly the most important, is this: the goal is not to win the argument. The goal is not even to stop having the argument in that moment. The goal is to get back to each other. To go from bad back to good. The repair is where the real love lives. As I often tell couples, love is not the absence of hurt. Love is the presence of repair.
De-escalation isn’t a trick. It’s a shift in what you believe the fight is actually about.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Communication Exercises for Couples (That Actually Work)
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