How to Fix a Toxic Relationship: An Expert’s Complete Guide

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How to fix a toxic relationship…

You love your partner.

But after days, weeks, or months of disconnection, escalating fights, mini-breakups, and more drama than an episode of Game of Thrones, you might start to wonder if your relationship is…

Toxic

…and if it is, how can you get back to feeling happy with each other again?

As a couples counselor, I’ve sat with many “toxic” relationships over the past 17 years and helped them grow closer and happier than your neighbors Jack and Jane who “never argue.”

So I created this How-To For Fixing a Toxic Relationship to help people just like you.

Let’s start with the fix itself, then look at the signs, the science, and the honest line between a hurting relationship and an unsafe one.

How to Fix a Toxic Relationship in 3 Steps

The Empathi Quiz

Which pattern is running your relationship?

Take the free three minute quiz and meet the creature behind the cycle you keep getting stuck in.

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There is hope for your “toxic” relationship.

Below, I’ve broken down the steps I and the Empathi therapists use to help couples suffering in a toxic relationship.

Note that your relationship will have its best chance with an experienced EFT therapist to guide you.

But if you can’t attend counseling (such as if your partner isn’t willing or you can’t afford it) these steps may yet shed light on and improve your relationship.

This is the hardest step, and the most consequential.

If mending a toxic relationship (heck, ANY relationship) were a 400 meter race, 90% of couples who “don’t make it” tap out in the first 40 yards. Many couples start with the best intentions, hoping to turn things around, but struggle to maintain progress without consistent effort and regular check-ins.

We need to take both partner’s stories about their “toxic relationship” and fit them inside a global narrative where they both make sense.

This means each partner has to, at some point, let go of their conviction that their partner is the one causing all the problems. Not easy!

It starts by recognizing that the relationship has three entities: Partner A, Partner B, and the system that they both create together (or “The Cycle”).

And as a couples therapist, I need to understand how they all make perfect sense.

Let’s start with the partner’s stories…

Partner A: “Look, I’m really worried I can’t rely on my partner, they don’t do what they say they’ll do. I’m constantly in a place of anxiety. They say they’ll clean the house, they don’t clean the house.”

Therapist: “Oh, you must be scared all the time that you don’t know if your partner is going to be there for you!”

Partner B: “My partner’s really controlling. They want me to go to bed at a certain hour, get up at a certain hour, eat certain foods, be home from work at a certain hour…”

Therapist: “Whoa, I could understand that must be really threatening and really scary! It’s like you live inside a tight ship that’s really threatening and it’s not okay for you to be you.”

Understanding and respecting each other’s perspectives is crucial here. Acknowledging how each partner feels and sees the situation helps build empathy and is key to moving forward in fixing a toxic relationship.

It makes sense! Each partner is getting hurt because it looks like the other isn’t giving them a flavor of love that they need.

But it doesn’t stop there.

Every couple experiences this negative cycle:

1. Partner A gets hurt
2. They react/protest
3. Partner B gets hurt (by that protest)
4. They react/protest
5. Partner A gets hurt (by that protest)

And so on!

So for this couple, what reactive behaviors are they using to protect themselves that end up hurting the other person?

Let’s say Partner A gets hurt when Partner B doesn’t come home when they say they will, so they protest by creating rules and boundaries for Partner B to live inside.

Which of course makes Partner B feel scared and like they’re not acceptable. And so they’re less likely to actually want to come home from work on time…

Which makes Partner A even more scared that they’re going to be abandoned, and so they create even tighter rules for when Partner B has to be home from work…

So Partner B feels like there’s no way they’ll ever be acceptable, they can’t live up to your standards, and they’re not going to come home for a week.

Partner A gets even more scared and says, “Well I’ll put locks on the doors so you can’t leave!!”

Yeesh! Okay, I think now I understand the toxicity of this relationship as a whole!

(And how to begin to fix this “toxic” relationship…)

Both of them are hurting and both of them try to get out of hurting in ways that make sense, but all they manage to do is make things worse.

Now, I present this story of the entity that is both of them together, how they both make perfect sense…

Finding common ground is essential for breaking out of these destructive patterns.

And I invite them to see the tragedy of the system.

Not just to feel sorry for themselves, stuck in this impossible relationship, but to feel really, deeply sad for the two of them together when they’re disconnected.

And this may be counterintuitive, but I want them to feel really sad and kind of hopeless together because of the pain they’re both in.

The tragedy of us.

I want them to feel, “You actually make sense to me, I make sense, and my heart is breaking for both of us. We’re just two wounded people and we only get stuck like this because we love each other.”

Acknowledging and working through past hurts is a key step toward healing and reconnecting, as it allows both partners to address emotional wounds and begin to rebuild trust.

And before you know it, whether it’s literally or figuratively, they’re reaching out for each other.

Once each partner’s pain and the cycle they get into make sense (cognitively and emotionally) we can move onto the next part of the track:

A deep dive into one partner’s suffering (and then the other’s).

Most people will want to do this part first, but it only works if you do the first 100 meters…

From a place of “It’s both of us. We’re both hurting. I’m valid and you’re valid,” we can explain deeply the pain of one partner and organize it into a coherent story:

“I feel like I don’t matter”

Or

“I just feel like I’m always a disappointment.”

I help this partner to feel that fully. They’re in the pain of not mattering or the pain of always having been a disappointment.

Then, from that place of pain, they share it vulnerably and ask for their needs to be met.

Two things make this different from every other time they’ve tried to have their needs met by their partner from a place of pain:

1. They’re asking from a vulnerable, non-reactive place.
2. Their partner is available.

Now, their partner isn’t just trying to defend themselves or explain themselves, and can actually show up and love them in the places they’ve always longed to be loved.

So they’re able to experience love in the places they need love the most, which can actually be really overwhelming and vulnerable for people!

So I have to try to help clients stay in the present moment and actually let that love in.

Then we do the same thing for the other partner.

And so both of them get to have the experience of, “Oh my god, I asked from a place of vulnerability and you showed up and loved me and I’m actually letting it in.”

“I’m hurting and you’re here for me, and I’m actually here for you.”

“I’m enough for you and I’m here for you and you’re feeling loved.”

Lasting change, however, requires that both partners are equally committed to the process of healing and growth. When both people are equally dedicated, the relationship can truly move forward.

That’s the second and third 100 meters.

For the last 100 meters of the 400 meters, we look back and go…

“Dudes, did you see what we just did??”

When you started, you thought your relationship was toxic and that there was something wrong with both of you.

But it turns out that you only ever got trapped in that suffering because you love each other!

You were able to deeply feel how sad this is for both of you. Not just you, not just your partner, but both of you together.

Then you were really brave and felt your vulnerability and asked for your love needs to be met…

And your partner showed up and loved you in the ways you’ve always longed to be loved.

Then you did the same thing in the other direction.

Isn’t that just amazing?? Look how much you mean to each other.

Look at what you were able to do, and look at what you can accomplish again and again no matter what issue comes up between the two of you, forever.

THAT’s how to fix a toxic relationship.

In fact, “toxic relationship” my a**!

You’re just two people that love each other and got confused. There is nothing wrong with either of you.

The Problem with the Word “Toxic” (And Why Pop Psychology Gets It Wrong)

Before we go any further, we need to talk about the word itself.

“Toxic” has become one of the most overused words in modern relationship advice. Scroll through TikTok, Instagram, or any relationship subreddit and you’ll find a firehose of content telling you that your partner is toxic, your relationship is toxic, and you need to “cut toxic people out of your life.”

Here’s the problem: the word “toxic” implies poison. It implies that someone (or something) is inherently dangerous and needs to be removed. It turns a complex human dynamic into a simple, binary label.

If you want the longer version of why I push back on that label, I wrote about what a couples therapist wants you to know about a toxic relationship.

And that label? It shuts down curiosity. It kills empathy. It replaces “What is happening between us?” with “What is wrong with you?”

How “Toxic” Became Pop Psychology’s Favorite Weapon

The explosion of pop psychology content on social media has created a culture where complex attachment dynamics get reduced to 30-second clips. Suddenly everyone is a “narcissist.” Every argument is “gaslighting.” Every relationship that hurts is “toxic.”

This language does three harmful things:

1. It pathologizes normal human pain. Relationships hurt sometimes. That doesn’t make them toxic. It makes them relationships between two imperfect humans who need each other.
2. It encourages people to see their partner as the enemy. When you label your partner “toxic,” you stop trying to understand them. You start building a case against them. You become a prosecutor instead of a partner.
3. It creates a false binary. Either your relationship is healthy or it’s toxic. Either your partner is good or they’re bad. Real relationships exist on a spectrum, and most couples in distress are not in toxic relationships. They’re in pain.

As a therapist, I can tell you that the couples who walk into my office saying “We’re in a toxic relationship” are almost never describing something toxic. They’re describing two people who love each other deeply, who are terrified of losing that love, and whose protective strategies have become so extreme that they’re making everything worse.

That’s not toxicity. That’s attachment distress on overdrive.

Why the Label Itself Can Be Dangerous

When you tell someone their relationship is “toxic,” you’re essentially telling them there’s nothing to save. You’re telling them that the pain they’re feeling is evidence of something fundamentally broken rather than evidence of something profoundly important.

Think about it: you don’t fight this hard over something that doesn’t matter to you. You don’t lose sleep over a connection you don’t care about. The intensity of the pain in a “toxic” relationship is almost always proportional to the depth of the attachment. The more you need each other, the worse it feels when things go sideways.

So instead of asking “Is my relationship toxic?”, a better question might be: “What is the cycle that my partner and I keep getting trapped in, and why does it hurt so much?”

What Is a Toxic Relationship & How Do You Know You’re in One?

Most people have very strong opinions about what a toxic relationship is: Your friends, your internet relationship guru, your granny when she used to tell you to “Stay away from that troublemaker!!”…

Most of the time the term is used to indicate “red flags” you should watch out for to know if your relationship is doomed.

But no matter how hard TikTok tries, you can’t actually be diagnosed with a terminal case of “toxic relationship” or “toxic partner.”

So for this article, we’ll boil it down to this definition:

A toxic relationship is one in which both partners are in suffering (conflict or disconnection) a lot or most of the time.

The first step toward change is to recognize the signs of toxicity in your relationship.

This can include individual negative cycles (conflicts) that persist or escalate dramatically, and/or it can mean the couple is spending very little time in connection over a longer period of time.

Let’s break that down.

Top 3 Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship

1. You’re spending an extended period of time in disconnection.

You and your partner are emotionally disconnected or not able to be there for each other in the ways you need for a significant amount of time, which is a major warning sign in a romantic relationship.

This could be days, weeks, or even months.

2. You’re constantly devolving into conflict.

This can look like conflicts that escalate dramatically, but I don’t just mean hours-long fights and keying each other’s cars.

Conflict can look like:

• Arguments
• Bickering
• Passive-aggression
• Avoidance

Whatever this looks like in your relationship, it’s “toxic” or unhealthy because it just doesn’t seem possible to have any ease with each other.

To start fixing this, couples should talk openly about their conflicts and make an effort to understand each other’s perspectives.

3. You aren’t having meaningful repair.

Most importantly, couples in a toxic relationship are not having meaningful repair.

Meaningful repair is a multi-dimensional empathetic experience wherein after a conflict, a couple is able to be there for each other lovingly, feel and accept their own pain, and feel empathy for both of them, together. Both partners need to take responsibility for their fair share of the relationship’s challenges and repairs to restore balance and harmony.

When couples don’t know how to have meaningful repair, they may experience conflicts that grow in intensity, persist for days, or they may move past the conflict without any sense of closure.

“I’m tired of fighting. Do you want to go for lunch?”

“Sure, let’s go for lunch.”

Toxic vs Abusive Relationships

For the purposes of this article, a “toxic relationship” is not a euphemism for an abusive one.

If you or your partner are…

• Blocking exits
• Grabbing wrists
• Breaking things
• Physically making contact
• Or in danger of physical violence

…it is not safe to work through your relationship system at this time.

Seek individual counseling to see if you can get to a place where you can study your relationship safely without hurting yourself or each other, or visit thehotline.org for help.

Note that another way to distinguish a toxic relationship from a potentially abusive one is that in a toxic relationship, both people are in suffering.

Both people are wondering how to fix their toxic relationship.

How do I know if my partner is the toxic one?

Even when a couple comes to therapy saying, “Please, Figs, tell us how to fix our toxic relationship,” deep down, both are usually living in a world where their partner is the one making everything difficult.

Sometimes, one partner is living in a world of, “Am I the problem in this relationship?”

In my experience, 99.9999% of the time, the toxicity of a relationship is more a result of the negative system a couple co-created than that one partner “needs to get their act together.”

But it might not look that way on the outside…

Most long-term relationships feature partners with similar levels of attachment wounding, but opposite flavors.

A Pursuer is always trying to get closer, to feel like their partner is really there for them, while a Withdrawer is always trying to reach homeostasis, to feel like they’re finally enough.

The most common relationship bond has this tension baked-in.

On a deep, fundamental level in their nervous system and limbic system, a Pursuer is constantly searching for more closeness, and they will almost always pick someone with a similar level of fear, wounding, and searching around the current moment being good enough.

No matter your role, remember to practice self-love and recognize your own worth. Prioritizing your well-being is essential, regardless of the relationship dynamics.

Here’s the trick: Both partners in this situation think they’re acting completely rationally.

So after a week of fighting, when your coworker Bob brings his wife Trish a strawberry donut back from work, he doesn’t know that he’s really asking her…

Am I good enough now? Are we okay? Can we stay right here?

When Trish leaves it sitting on the table because Bob should know she only likes Boston Cream (and did he do this on purpose?) she doesn’t know she’s asking…

Are you really there for me? Do you want me? Can I be your priority?

Then, when a heated, hours-long argument eventually breaks out (over a donut, of all things), of course they say…

“Geeze, why is it so impossible to please you? You’re toxic.“

“Oh my god, why are you so inconsiderate? You’re toxic.“

In your relationship, it’s probably not about donuts.

Maybe it’s about jealousy. Maybe it’s about money. Sex. Kids. Chores. Career. Habits. Quality time.

But when it comes down to it, the reason either of you ever act negatively in your relationship is because you are biologically hardwired to need love and protest and protect yourself if it looks like you’re not getting it.

But it’s not always perfectly even.

In some relationships, one partner will be relatively securely attached, while the other has more severe wounding around being abandoned and/or rejected…

Which means they’re going to be activated more often.

If you find yourself saying, “I don’t understand why there is so much drama in the relationship,” it’s possible that your partner is more wounded and is pulling you into the opportunity to resolve emotional bonding distress more often than you would like.

A.K.A. Conflict.

But this doesn’t mean that they’re “toxic people” who need to be removed from your life.

Assuming this “toxicity” isn’t abuse, having a third party as witness and guide to your relationship can help you navigate the cycles in your relationship in a way that meaningfully meets both of your needs.

Why did my relationship become toxic?

Let’s get this out of the way: it’s not because either of you are bad.

You’re both perfectly human, and having a good enough attachment-significant other has been essential to human survival since our infancy.

Thing is, because it’s a NEED, we react in ways that hurt each other when we feel like we’re in danger of not getting a flavor of love.

In a toxic relationship, both partners are getting hurt, and they’re both trying to get out of being hurt.

But the way they’re both trying to get out of hurt ends up hurting each other and makes the pain even bigger…

And so the conflict and the pain gets bigger and bigger and bigger until it feels like there’s no way out and we’ve reached toxic levels of pain and reactivity.

But the truth is, it only happens because you love each other.

Recognizing these destructive patterns is the first step to break free from toxicity and start rebuilding a healthier relationship.

Toxic Dynamics vs. Toxic People: A Critical Distinction

One of the most important things I can teach you is the difference between a toxic dynamic and a toxic person.

A toxic dynamic is a pattern. It’s a loop. It’s a choreography that two people get caught in where every move one person makes to protect themselves ends up hurting the other, which triggers the other person’s protective move, which hurts the first person even more. Round and round it goes.

I call this The Waltz of Pain.

A toxic person, on the other hand, would be someone who is genuinely, characterologically incapable of empathy, remorse, or change. Someone whose behavior isn’t driven by fear and pain but by a deliberate desire to control, manipulate, or harm.

Here’s what 17 years of clinical work has taught me: the vast majority of “toxic” partners are not toxic people. They are frightened people whose nervous systems are in survival mode.

The Waltz of Pain: When Survival Responses Look Like Toxicity

In attachment science, we understand that every human being has a deep, biological need to feel securely connected to their partner. When that connection feels threatened, your brain doesn’t think, “Let me have a calm and rational conversation about this.” Your brain thinks, “DANGER. SURVIVE.”

Your amygdala (the threat-detection center of your brain) fires. Your prefrontal cortex (the rational, problem-solving part) goes offline. And you react.

For some people, that reaction looks like pursuit: criticism, demands, escalation, interrogation, bringing up old fights, refusing to let things go. This person is driven by a profound fear: “Are you there for me? Do you see me? Do I matter to you?”

For other people, that reaction looks like withdrawal: shutting down, going quiet, leaving the room, becoming emotionally unavailable, getting defensive, or “checking out” mentally. This person is driven by an equally profound fear: “Am I enough for you? Will I ever get this right? Am I just a disappointment?”

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From the outside, both of these patterns can look terrible. The pursuer looks controlling, aggressive, impossible to please. The withdrawer looks cold, uncaring, checked out.

But neither one is being “toxic.” Both are panicking. Both are trying to survive a moment that feels (to their nervous system) genuinely life-threatening, even if logically they know it’s “just an argument.”

That’s what attachment panic does. It hijacks your rational brain and puts your survival brain in charge. And survival brains are not known for their diplomacy.

Character Pathology vs. Relational Reactivity

So how do you know the difference between a partner who is reactive (trapped in a painful cycle) and a partner who is genuinely characterologically harmful?

Here are some key distinctions:

Relational reactivity (the cycle) looks like:

• Both partners are in pain
• The “bad” behavior is contextual (it happens during or after conflict, not all the time)
• There are moments of genuine warmth, connection, and remorse between episodes
• The person can acknowledge (even if only later, once they’ve calmed down) that they were hurtful
• The behavior escalates proportionally to the level of attachment threat
• Both people want things to be different

Character pathology looks like:

• Only one partner is consistently in pain
• The controlling or harmful behavior happens regardless of context
• There is little or no genuine remorse (though there may be performative apologies)
• The person consistently refuses to take any responsibility
• The behavior serves to maintain power and control rather than to manage fear
• One person benefits from the dynamic while the other deteriorates

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Both of us are miserable,” that is actually a hopeful sign. It means you’re likely dealing with a painful cycle, not a character-disordered partner. The fact that both of you are suffering is evidence that you’re both invested in the relationship and hurting because of the disconnection.

The Neuroscience of Why Toxic Patterns Form

To truly understand why your relationship feels “toxic,” you need to understand what’s happening in your brain and body when your attachment system gets triggered.

Your Brain on Attachment Threat

When you feel securely connected to your partner (when you feel like they’re there for you, like you matter to them, like you’re enough), your nervous system is calm. Your prefrontal cortex is online. You can think clearly, problem-solve, show empathy, and make reasonable decisions.

But the moment your brain perceives a threat to that connection (your partner pulls away, criticizes you, forgets something important, seems disinterested), something dramatic happens:

1. Your amygdala fires. This is your brain’s alarm system. It detects the threat faster than your conscious mind can process it.
2. Stress hormones flood your system. Cortisol and adrenaline surge through your body, preparing you for fight, flight, or freeze.
3. Your prefrontal cortex goes offline. The rational, empathic, problem-solving part of your brain literally loses blood flow. You can’t think straight because, biologically, you’re not supposed to. You’re supposed to survive.
4. Your survival response activates. Depending on your attachment history and your wiring, you either pursue (fight) or withdraw (flight/freeze).

This entire sequence happens in milliseconds. Before you even realize what’s happening, you’re already in reactive mode. That’s why couples in “toxic” dynamics report feeling hijacked by their own emotions. They say things like, “I don’t even know why I said that,” or “Something just takes over and I can’t stop.”

They’re right. Something does take over. It’s their survival system, and it is extraordinarily powerful.

The Role of the Vagus Nerve

Your vagus nerve is the longest nerve in your body, running from your brainstem all the way down to your gut. It plays a central role in regulating your stress response and your ability to connect with others.

When your vagus nerve is functioning well (what scientists call “high vagal tone”), you can tolerate stress, stay present during difficult conversations, and recover quickly from conflict.

When it’s dysregulated (often due to chronic stress, unresolved trauma, or ongoing attachment distress), your window of tolerance shrinks. You get triggered more easily. You stay activated longer. You have a harder time calming down after a fight.

Couples in chronically distressed relationships often have dysregulated nervous systems precisely because of the relationship distress. The cycle creates the dysregulation, which worsens the cycle, which creates more dysregulation. It becomes a self-reinforcing loop.

This is why telling a couple in a “toxic” relationship to “just communicate better” is like telling someone having a panic attack to “just relax.” The biology won’t allow it until safety is restored first.

Why Your Body Keeps Score in Relationships

Your body remembers every attachment injury. Every time your partner wasn’t there when you needed them. Every time you felt dismissed, rejected, or unseen. Every time a fight escalated beyond repair.

These memories live not just in your mind but in your body. In your tight shoulders. In your clenched jaw. In the knot in your stomach when you hear your partner’s car pull into the driveway and you don’t know what mood they’ll be in.

Over time, your nervous system becomes increasingly sensitized. Things that wouldn’t have triggered you in year one of your relationship now set off a five-alarm fire. Your body has learned, through repeated experience, that this relationship is a source of danger. And so it stays on high alert.

This is the neurobiological basis of what most people call a “toxic relationship.” It’s not that the people are toxic. It’s that their nervous systems have become so sensitized to each other that almost anything can trigger a survival response.

15 Signs of a Genuinely Toxic Relationship

Now, let me be clear: some relationships are genuinely harmful. Not every relationship in pain is just a misunderstood cycle. Here are 15 signs that your relationship may be crossing from distressed into genuinely toxic or dangerous territory:

1. One partner consistently controls the other’s access to money, friends, or family. Isolation is a hallmark of abuse, not just distress.
2. Physical intimidation or violence of any kind. Blocking exits, throwing things, grabbing, pushing, or hitting. This is never acceptable, regardless of what triggered it.
3. One partner lives in chronic fear of the other’s reactions. If you are constantly walking on eggshells, not because your partner is reactive (everyone gets reactive) but because the consequences of setting them off are severe and unpredictable, that is a danger sign.
4. Threats to harm you, themselves, or your children if you leave or set boundaries.
5. Persistent, deliberate humiliation in front of others.
6. One partner has zero accountability, ever. Everything is always your fault. There is never a moment of genuine self-reflection or ownership.
7. Sexual coercion or violation of consent.
8. Monitoring your phone, email, or movements as a means of control (not anxious checking, but systematic surveillance).
9. Punishment cycles. One partner deliberately withholds affection, sex, money, or access to children as punishment for perceived wrongs.
10. Gaslighting that creates genuine confusion about reality. Not “we remember things differently” but “you are being systematically led to doubt your own perception.”
11. The relationship is making you physically ill. Chronic stress from a harmful dynamic can manifest as insomnia, weight changes, autoimmune flares, and anxiety disorders.
12. Your children are showing signs of distress (behavioral changes, anxiety, aggression, withdrawal) that clearly correlate with the relationship conflict.
13. You have been told by multiple trusted people that they are worried about your safety.
14. Substance abuse is driving dangerous behavior and your partner refuses to address it.
15. You feel more like a hostage than a partner. You stay not because you want to, but because you’re afraid of what will happen if you leave.

If you recognize several of these signs, especially the ones involving physical safety, control, or fear, please reach out to The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or visit thehotline.org.

15 Signs of a Distressed (But Salvageable) Relationship

Now compare that list with this one. These are signs that your relationship is in serious pain but is likely a candidate for repair:

1. Both of you are unhappy. This might sound obvious, but it matters. If both of you are suffering, it means both of you are invested.
2. You fight about the same things over and over. Repetitive conflict is a sign of an unresolved cycle, not an unresolvable relationship.
3. After fights, there are moments (even brief ones) of softening or sadness. If either of you ever feels bad about how a fight went, that’s empathy still alive in the system.
4. You can remember a time when things were good between you. The good times aren’t imaginary. They’re evidence of what your relationship is capable of.
5. One or both of you have considered therapy. Even thinking about getting help means you haven’t given up.
6. Your partner’s “worst behavior” happens during or right after conflict, not as a baseline. Context-dependent reactivity is very different from pervasive cruelty.
7. You sometimes catch yourself being unfair and feel guilty about it. Self-awareness and remorse are signs of a healthy conscience, even in a distressed relationship.
8. The “toxic” behavior from your partner hurts them too. If your partner is ashamed of how they acted during a fight, that shame is evidence that the behavior is ego-dystonic (not who they want to be).
9. You still have moments of genuine connection (laughing together, a good conversation, physical affection) even if they’re becoming rarer.
10. Neither of you is trying to “win.” Even if it feels like a war sometimes, deep down, both of you would rather have peace.
11. External stressors are playing a role. Financial pressure, health issues, parenting stress, career changes, or family-of-origin drama can amplify a couple’s negative cycle far beyond what the relationship would produce on its own.
12. You feel safe enough to be angry. This might seem counterintuitive, but anger in a relationship (when it’s not crossing into abuse) is often a sign that you still trust your partner enough to show them your distress.
13. Your partner responds to vulnerability when you can actually show it. On the rare occasion that one of you drops the armor and speaks from the heart, the other one softens. That’s everything.
14. You’re reading this article right now. You’re looking for answers. You haven’t quit.
15. A part of you still believes this could work. Trust that part. It knows something your fear doesn’t.

How Each Attachment Style Contributes to “Toxic” Dynamics

Your attachment style is the blueprint your nervous system uses to navigate closeness and distance in relationships. It was shaped by your earliest experiences with caregivers, and it operates largely outside of your conscious awareness.

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about putting yourself in a box. It’s about understanding the survival strategy your nervous system defaults to when it feels threatened. And in a distressed relationship, those survival strategies are running the show.

The Anxious Attacher (The Pursuer)

If you have an anxious attachment style, your core fear is abandonment. Your nervous system is constantly scanning for signs that your partner is pulling away, losing interest, or about to leave.

When triggered, you pursue. You reach for connection, but the reach often comes out as:

• Criticism (“You never…” or “You always…”)
• Interrogation (“Where were you? Who were you with?”)
• Emotional escalation (turning up the volume because it feels like the only way to be heard)
• Testing (“If you really loved me, you would…”)
• Hypervigilance (reading into tone of voice, body language, text response times)

To your partner, this can look controlling, demanding, or even “crazy.” But what’s actually happening is that your nervous system has detected a threat to the bond and is desperately trying to re-establish connection. The tragedy is that the way you’re trying to get close is the very thing pushing your partner away.

The Avoidant Attacher (The Withdrawer)

If you have an avoidant attachment style, your core fear is engulfment or inadequacy. Your nervous system learned early that closeness can be overwhelming, that your needs might be “too much,” and that the safest strategy is self-reliance.

When triggered, you withdraw. You pull back from connection, and it often comes out as:

• Shutting down emotionally
• Becoming hyper-rational or dismissive (“You’re overreacting”)
• Physically leaving the room or the conversation
• Burying yourself in work, screens, or other distractions
• Minimizing the problem (“It’s not a big deal”)

To your partner, this looks like you don’t care. Like the relationship doesn’t matter to you. Like you’re cold and unreachable. But what’s actually happening is that your nervous system is overwhelmed and shutting down to protect you from a flood of shame and inadequacy.

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

The most common (and most painful) “toxic” dynamic is when an anxious attacher pairs with an avoidant attacher. This creates a pursue-withdraw cycle that can intensify to staggering levels:

1. The anxious partner feels disconnected and pursues (criticizes, demands, escalates)
2. The avoidant partner feels overwhelmed and withdraws (shuts down, leaves, gets defensive)
3. The withdrawal confirms the anxious partner’s worst fear (abandonment), so they pursue harder
4. The increased pursuit confirms the avoidant partner’s worst fear (being too much, failing), so they withdraw more
5. The cycle intensifies until it reaches “toxic” levels

Neither person is the villain in this story. Both are trapped in a loop that was wired into their nervous systems long before they met each other. The relationship just activated it.

The Disorganized Attacher

Some people have a disorganized attachment style, which means their nervous system wants to move toward their partner for comfort AND away from them for safety at the same time. This typically stems from early experiences where the caregiver was simultaneously the source of comfort and the source of fear.

In relationships, disorganized attachment can look like:

• Rapid cycling between pursuit and withdrawal
• Intense push-pull dynamics
• Difficulty trusting even when things are going well
• Emotional flooding followed by complete shutdown
• Behaviors that seem contradictory (saying “I need you” and then pushing away immediately)

Partners of people with disorganized attachment often feel like they’re “walking on eggshells” or that they “can never get it right.” This dynamic can feel especially “toxic,” but it’s actually a reflection of profound early wounding, not bad character.

The Secure Attacher in a “Toxic” Dynamic

Even securely attached people can end up in “toxic” dynamics. Secure attachment doesn’t mean you’re immune to distress. It means you have more flexibility in how you respond to it. But under enough sustained pressure (a partner with severe attachment wounding, chronic external stressors, betrayal, or loss), even a secure person’s window of tolerance can narrow.

When that happens, even the secure partner starts to become reactive, and the relationship can start to look “toxic” from the outside. This is often temporary and highly treatable, but it can be alarming and disorienting for both partners.

The Role of Childhood Trauma in Creating “Toxic” Patterns

Your relationship didn’t start the day you met your partner. It started in the first years of your life, in the relationship you had with your primary caregivers.

Here’s a truth that most relationship advice ignores: the patterns you’re playing out with your partner right now are often ancient. They’re echoes of your earliest experiences of love, safety, and danger.

How Early Attachment Shapes Adult Love

When you were an infant, your brain was doing one thing above all else: figuring out the rules of attachment. It was learning:

• If I cry, does someone come?
• If I need comfort, is it available?
• If I’m scared, am I held?
• If I’m myself, am I accepted?

The answers to these questions became your attachment template. If comfort was reliably available, you developed a sense that relationships are safe (secure attachment). If comfort was inconsistent, you developed hypervigilance around availability (anxious attachment). If comfort was absent or rejecting, you learned to suppress your needs (avoidant attachment). If comfort was frightening, you developed an internal contradiction (disorganized attachment).

These templates don’t stay in childhood. They follow you into every significant relationship you’ll ever have. And they activate most powerfully in the relationship that matters most to you: your romantic partnership.

Trauma Responses Masquerading as “Bad Behavior”

Many of the behaviors that get labeled “toxic” in relationships are actually trauma responses being activated by the intimacy of the relationship itself. For example:

• A partner who “overreacts” to small things may be experiencing an emotional flashback, where a minor trigger in the present connects to a major wound from the past.
• A partner who is “emotionally unavailable” may have learned in childhood that showing vulnerability leads to pain, rejection, or humiliation.
• A partner who is “controlling” may have grown up in chaos and learned that hyper-managing their environment is the only way to feel safe.
• A partner who “can never let anything go” may have experienced repeated betrayals that make it genuinely difficult for their nervous system to trust that things are okay.

None of this excuses harmful behavior. But it does explain it. And explanation is the doorway to empathy, which is the doorway to change.

The Intergenerational Chain

Here’s something that might change how you see your “toxic” relationship: the patterns you and your partner are stuck in likely didn’t originate with either of you. They were passed down.

Your parents were shaped by their parents. Your partner’s parents were shaped by theirs. The attachment wounds, the coping strategies, the protective behaviors: they travel through generations like a baton in a relay race that nobody signed up for.

This doesn’t remove your responsibility for your behavior in the present. But it does add a layer of compassion. You and your partner aren’t broken. You’re carrying the unresolved pain of the people who came before you. And you have an opportunity to be the ones who stop passing it on.

Can a Toxic Relationship REALLY Be Fixed?

Yes!

“But Figs, we’re downright awful to each other sometimes!”

Oof. That must be really painful for you both.

But it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. Unfixable. Radioactive.

Most people think the most important thing we have to do in love and relationship is be nice, loving, and kind to each other…

And sure, that’s a really good thing!!

But no one is able to successfully be loving and kind 100% of the time. Not possible.

You just being yourself will step on the other person’s raw spots, wounds, triggers, and traumas!

That doesn’t make you toxic people.

And yes, we do want to reduce the severity of hurt and the amount of time you’re spending in disconnection, especially if it’s reaching toxic levels.

But we don’t do that by teaching you how to be nice to each other.

We do it by teaching you how to go from disconnection and hurt back to connection.

You already have everything you need for a healthy and happy relationship. You’re just missing the recipe.

Ultimately, the goal of healing is to bring joy and fulfillment back into your relationship.

When should I give up on a toxic relationship?

I may get in trouble for this…

But most people aren’t trustworthy about their relationship.

Now this comes with some important caveats!

If you suspect your relationship is abusive, err on the side of caution. You should not undergo relationship system work when you aren’t sure it’s safe. Individual counseling is available to help couples in that situation.

In most other relationships, it’s not that what you’re feeling isn’t valid, it’s just that it’s one important corner of the experience.

To understand how to fix a toxic relationship, you need to get to know:

• Your own experience, even more deeply
• Your partner’s experience, even more deeply
• The system you co-create together

Without that understanding, the negative judgments you have about yourself, your partner, and your relationship just aren’t trustworthy.

So when is the best time to give up on your relationship?

After a trained third party has guided you to a full and empathetic understanding of your entire relationship.

Is it worth it to try fixing a toxic, unhealthy relationship?

I’ve had couples come to me who were:

• Already divorced
• Living in different states
• Absolutely convinced “I can’t do it,” or “My partner can’t do it,”
• Told by other therapists, “You have to get away from each other,”

And within a few months they’re back together. Living together. Remarried.

I received a message just three weeks ago from a couple who was in this situation saying…

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

On multiple occasions I have worked with couples in those circumstances and had them realize the tragedy of what’s happening and love each other…

And for them? It was absolutely worth it.

If you are able to repair your relationship, to reduce the amount of suffering and to reach the kind of profound, layers-deep healing these couples have, it’s a game-changer.

Learning how to fix a toxic relationship will have positive ripple effects throughout your life that you can’t imagine.

As you work to heal and strengthen your relationship, don’t hesitate to seek support from loved ones. Spending quality time with family and friends can provide comfort and emotional well-being during challenging times.

After all, strong relationships are the most consistent predictor of a happy life.

Can a toxic partner change?

Yes, if they want to, and if you stop needing them to change first. Clinically, there is no diagnosis called “toxic person.” There are patterns (contempt, stonewalling, explosive anger, control), and those patterns are strategies a nervous system learned when it felt unsafe. Anything learned can be unlearned, though it is slower than any listicle will tell you.

Real change looks like this: the gap between trigger and reaction gets longer, they catch themselves mid-pattern, and they can hear “you hurt me” without hearing “you are bad.” Promises and grand apologies don’t count. Your nervous system is no longer accepting IOUs. Trust comes back through proof of work, the consistent, boring evidence that someone shows up regulated where they used to explode. (If you suspect the “toxic” one is you, start with my guide on how to stop being toxic.)

The honest line between toxic but fixable and unsafe

In a toxic dynamic, both partners contribute to a destructive cycle, both are hurting, and both can change. In a toxic situation, one partner’s behavior is so dangerous or controlling that working on the relationship together is not safe until that behavior is addressed on its own. Systems thinking does not mean you absorb abuse. If you are afraid of your partner, safety comes first. Always. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233; their advocates can help you make a safety plan.

A Clinical Protocol for Detoxifying a Relationship

What does the actual clinical process of transforming a “toxic” relationship look like? I want to pull back the curtain and show you what happens in the therapy room when we work with couples in severe distress.

Phase 1: Restore Safety (The Biological Foundation)

Before anything else can happen, both partners need to feel safe enough for their prefrontal cortex to come back online. Remember: you cannot problem-solve, empathize, or change while your brain is in survival mode.

In this phase, we:

• Interrupt the cycle in real time. When a couple starts spiraling in session, I stop the tape. I might say, “Hold on. I can see you’re both getting activated right now. Let’s slow down.” This is not about shutting the conversation down. It’s about preventing the survival brain from taking over completely.
• Name the cycle, not the people. Instead of “You’re being critical” or “You’re shutting down,” we name the pattern: “I see the cycle is happening right now. Partner A, you’re reaching for connection and it’s coming out as frustration. Partner B, you’re trying to protect yourself by pulling back. The cycle is winning.”
• Regulate the nervous system. Sometimes this means literally pausing for a breath. Sometimes it means shifting body posture, making eye contact, or slowing the pace of the conversation. The goal is to bring both nervous systems down from the red zone into a range where connection is possible.

Phase 2: Build the Shared Story (The Third Chair)

Once there is some safety, we introduce what I call “The Third Chair.” This is the perspective of the relationship itself, the “Us” that exists between the two partners.

Most couples in a “toxic” dynamic are stuck in “Me vs. You.” My story against your story. My pain against your pain. Who is more right. Who is more wrong.

If any of this is landing close to home, you can talk it through right now with Figlet, Figs’ AI relationship coach, and get an answer about your own situation in seconds. Ask Figlet about untangling a toxic cycle.

The Third Chair shifts the frame to “Us vs. the Cycle.” It’s not me against you. It’s both of us against the dynamic that is destroying our connection.

In this phase, we:

• Help each partner see the other’s protective behaviors as fear responses rather than character flaws
• Map the cycle together: “When this happens, you feel X, so you do Y, which makes your partner feel Z, so they do W, which triggers you again”
• Invite both partners to feel the tragedy of what is happening between them: two people who love each other, trapped in a loop of pain

This is the hardest moment in therapy, and it’s also the most important. When a couple can sit together and feel genuine sadness for both of them (not just for themselves, but for the two of them as a unit), something shifts at the deepest level. The anger softens. The defenses come down. The door opens.

Phase 3: Reach for Each Other (Vulnerability and Response)

Once the couple has a shared understanding of their cycle and can feel the weight of it together, we move into the most transformative part of the work: helping each partner share their deepest pain and ask for what they need.

This is not about communication skills or “I statements” (though those can be helpful). This is about dropping all the way down beneath the reactive behaviors to the raw, tender, terrified place underneath.

When a pursuer can say, “I push you because I’m so scared you don’t really want me,” and their partner can hear that and respond with genuine compassion…that changes everything.

When a withdrawer can say, “I shut down because every time we fight, I feel like I’ve failed you again and I can’t bear it,” and their partner can hear that and soften…that changes everything.

These moments of vulnerable reaching and compassionate responding are what rewire the attachment bond. They create new neural pathways. They teach the nervous system, through direct experience, that this relationship can be a source of safety rather than danger.

Phase 4: Consolidate and Celebrate

The final phase is about helping the couple see what they’ve done and trust that they can do it again. We look back at the journey: where they started, what they’ve been through, and what they’ve accomplished together.

We also build what I call “cycle awareness.” Now that both partners understand their cycle, they can catch it in real time. They can say, “I think we’re getting into the cycle,” and make a different choice. Not perfectly. Not every time. But enough to keep the relationship in a fundamentally different place.

The Importance of Self Care

When you’re caught in the whirlwind of a toxic relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs. But here’s the truth: self care isn’t selfish. It’s survival. Taking care of your emotional well-being is the foundation for any healthy relationship, especially when you’re dealing with stress, conflict, or emotional ups and downs.

Self-care means making time for activities that bring you joy, whether that’s a walk in the park, a favorite hobby, or just a few quiet moments to yourself. It’s about recognizing when you’re running on empty and giving yourself permission to recharge. Mindfulness, journaling, or even a simple deep breath can help you stay grounded when the relationship feels overwhelming.

Prioritizing your own well-being helps you build the resilience needed to address underlying issues in your relationship. It’s not just about personal growth. It’s about making sure you have the strength to show up for yourself and your partner. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. By investing in your own self care, you’re better equipped to break unhealthy cycles and move toward a healthier, more balanced relationship.

Setting Boundaries

If you want to fix a toxic relationship, setting boundaries is non-negotiable. Boundaries aren’t about shutting your partner out. They’re about creating a safe space where both of you can thrive. Think of boundaries as the healthy parameters that protect your emotional well-being and help you both understand what’s okay and what’s not.

Start by getting clear on what you need to feel respected and safe. Communicate these boundaries to your partner honestly and kindly, and be consistent in upholding them. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but boundaries are essential for breaking unhealthy patterns and fostering mutual respect.

Remember, boundaries are a two-way street. Both partners need to put in the effort to understand and honor each other’s limits. This ongoing process helps create a relationship where emotional well-being comes first, and where both people feel heard and valued. Setting boundaries isn’t a one-time fix. It’s a commitment to building a healthier, more respectful connection, one conversation at a time.

How to Start Fixing a Toxic Relationship on Your Own

A trained counselor gives you the best odds, but you can start at the kitchen table. Here is what I tell couples who are convinced they are beyond saving.

1. Name the pattern, not the person. Not “you are toxic,” but “we have a toxic pattern.” One is a diagnosis that traps you. The other is a frame that frees you.
2. Learn your own 1-2-3 step. Your negative perception (“they don’t care”), your reactive emotion, your protective move. Own it, because you are half of the system.
3. Get curious about theirs. Underneath their worst behavior is a reactive emotion, and underneath that, a fear about you. You don’t have to agree with it. Just acknowledge it exists.
4. Repair before you resolve. Reconnect first, then deal with the content. Once you are connected again, the content often barely matters.

The day one couple said “we are toxic”

I worked with a couple deep in a pursue-withdraw cycle. She was relentless in her criticism. He was a ghost in his own marriage. Every session started with her cataloging his failures and him staring at the carpet. Then one session she said, “We are toxic.” I jumped on it: “Yes. You are right. And that is the best thing I have heard you say.” Because when she said we, the word stopped being a weapon and became a doorway. The relationship is the only thing the two of you can actually change together.

Repairing After a Fight: Apology, Accountability and Trust

An apology is the cherry on top of a sundae. Without the cake underneath it, it’s a sticky mess on a plate. The cake is your partner feeling, in their body, that their pain is safe with you. A rushed “sorry” is often a protective move, a way to end your own discomfort, and your partner can taste the difference. That’s why “I already said I was sorry, what more do you want?” makes it worse.

Most of us apologize from about 100% “I feel bad about myself.” Repair needs closer to 20% that and 80% “my heart is breaking for what I did to you.” My guide on how to apologize effectively to your partner walks through it.

Breaks help too, if they don’t feel like abandonment. Try: “I can feel myself getting activated. I need five minutes to reset. I’m not leaving this conversation, I’m protecting it.” And expect setbacks. The question is never “did we get triggered?” It is “what did we do next?”

When to Leave: A Safety-First Framework

I have spent most of this article arguing that many “toxic” relationships are salvageable. I believe that deeply. But I would be irresponsible not to address the fact that some relationships need to end.

Here is my safety-first framework for making that decision:

Leave Immediately If:

• You are in physical danger
• Your children are in physical danger
• Your partner has access to weapons and has made threats
• You are being prevented from leaving (doors locked, keys taken, phone confiscated)

Do not wait. Do not try to fix this first. Get safe. Contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or your local emergency services.

Strongly Consider Leaving If:

• Your partner has been violent and refuses to get help
• Your partner has an active, untreated addiction that creates dangerous situations
• You have completed a full course of couples therapy with a qualified therapist, and your partner consistently refused to engage in the process
• Your partner shows a persistent pattern of controlling behavior that goes beyond attachment reactivity (see the “15 signs of a genuinely toxic relationship” section above)
• You have lost your sense of self entirely and feel like a shell of the person you used to be

Don’t Leave Yet If:

• You haven’t tried qualified couples therapy (not just any therapy, but someone trained in evidence-based attachment work)
• You’re making a decision from a place of emotional flooding (right after a fight, during a crisis)
• Your friends and family are telling you to leave based only on your side of the story
• You’re assuming your partner can’t change without ever having given them (and yourself) the opportunity to change together
• Your relationship is painful but doesn’t meet the criteria for danger outlined above

The decision to leave a relationship is one of the most consequential decisions you’ll ever make. It deserves more than a snap judgment made from a place of pain. If you’re safe, give yourself (and your partner) the gift of understanding the full picture before you decide.

Toxic Relationships and Children: What You Need to Know

If you have children, the stakes of your relationship dynamic multiply exponentially. Children are extraordinarily sensitive to the emotional climate between their parents, and they absorb it like sponges.

How Your Cycle Affects Your Kids

Children don’t need to witness your fights to be affected by them. They sense the tension. They feel the disconnection. They notice when Mom and Dad aren’t talking, when the house feels heavy, when there’s an edge in someone’s voice.

Research consistently shows that parental conflict (particularly unresolved parental conflict) is one of the strongest predictors of emotional and behavioral problems in children. This includes:

• Anxiety and depression
• Difficulty regulating their own emotions
• Problems in their own future relationships
• Academic difficulties
• Behavioral problems at school and home

But here’s the nuance that most people miss: it’s not the fighting that damages children. It’s the lack of repair.

Children who witness their parents have conflict AND then witness them repair (come back together, apologize, show affection, demonstrate that the relationship is okay) actually develop more emotional resilience than children who grow up in homes where conflict is suppressed or hidden.

The lesson kids take from watching repair is: “Relationships are strong enough to survive hard things. People who love each other can work through problems.”

The lesson kids take from unresolved conflict is: “Love is fragile and dangerous. People who are supposed to love each other end up hurting each other, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

“Staying Together for the Kids” vs. Doing the Work for the Kids

Let me be direct: simply staying together “for the kids” while living in an unresolved, high-conflict dynamic is not doing your children any favors. Children raised in homes with chronic, unrepaired conflict often fare worse than children of divorced parents who are able to co-parent respectfully.

But there’s a third option that most people don’t consider: actually doing the work to transform the dynamic. Not just white-knuckling it. Not just tolerating each other. Actually healing.

If you can transform your relationship from a “toxic” cycle into a genuinely secure bond, the benefits to your children are incalculable. You’re not just fixing your relationship. You’re rewriting your family’s attachment legacy. You’re giving your children a template for love that will serve them for the rest of their lives.

Seeking Professional Help

Sometimes, fixing a toxic relationship means calling in reinforcements. Seeking professional help (whether it’s marriage counseling, couples therapy, or individual counseling) can make all the difference. A skilled therapist provides a safe, neutral space where both partners can address underlying issues and start breaking free from unhealthy patterns.

Professional help isn’t just for relationships on the brink. It’s a proactive way to gain new perspectives, learn healthier ways to communicate, and develop the tools you need to navigate conflict. A therapist can help you and your partner understand each other’s experiences more deeply, and guide you toward concrete actions that support healing and growth.

If you’re serious about fixing a toxic relationship, look for a therapist who specializes in relationship counseling and has experience dealing with toxic dynamics. With the right support, you can move beyond old patterns and create a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and fulfilling for both of you.

How counseling fixes an unhealthy relationship

Good couples counseling doesn’t teach you to be nicer. It gives your cycle a bird’s eye view. An emotionally focused therapist slows the fight down in the room, names the beliefs underneath it (“they don’t really want me,” “I’ll never be enough”), and guides each of you to reach for the other from under the armor. And deep distress is not a reason to give up: according to A Review of the Research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples, the initial level of relationship distress has no impact on the likelihood of success. More in can couples therapy help a toxic relationship.

Look for attachment-based training such as EFT, someone who treats the cycle as the problem rather than taking sides, and someone who screens for safety. If there is violence, threats, or coercion, joint sessions can make things more dangerous. Start with individual support and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) instead.

Recovery After Leaving a Toxic Relationship

If you’ve left a relationship that was genuinely harmful, or if you’ve been through a painful breakup from a distressed relationship, recovery is its own journey. It deserves its own attention.

The Grief Is Real

Even if the relationship was painful, leaving involves grief. You’re grieving not just the person but the dream of what the relationship could have been. You’re grieving the future you imagined together. You’re grieving the version of yourself that existed in that relationship.

This grief is normal and necessary. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. It means you loved someone, and love doesn’t switch off cleanly, even when the relationship wasn’t working.

Your Nervous System Needs Time to Recalibrate

If you spent months or years in a chronically distressed relationship, your nervous system adapted to that environment. It became wired for hypervigilance, for scanning for threats, for bracing for the next conflict.

When the relationship ends, that wiring doesn’t immediately reset. You may find yourself:

• Feeling anxious even though there’s no threat
• Having trouble sleeping or relaxing
• Overreacting to small stressors
• Feeling simultaneously relieved and devastated
• Missing your partner intensely even though you know the relationship was harmful

This is your nervous system catching up with reality. It takes time. Be patient with yourself.

Do Your Own Work Before Your Next Relationship

One of the most valuable things you can do after leaving a distressed relationship is to understand your own attachment patterns before entering a new one.

The cycle you were caught in with your previous partner will follow you into your next relationship unless you understand your part in it. This doesn’t mean the relationship was your “fault.” It means that your attachment style, your triggers, your protective strategies…those are yours, and they’ll show up again.

Individual therapy, particularly with someone who understands attachment, can help you:

• Understand the patterns you bring to relationships
• Process the grief and trauma from the previous relationship
• Develop a more secure relationship with yourself
• Learn to recognize healthy dynamics vs. familiar (but painful) ones
• Build the capacity for the kind of vulnerability that secure love requires

Breaking Free from Toxicity

Breaking free from a toxic relationship isn’t about pointing fingers or waiting for your partner to change. It’s about both of you actively working toward something better. The first step is recognizing the signs of toxicity: constant conflict, lack of respect, or emotional pain that just won’t go away. Once you see the patterns, it’s time to take concrete actions.

This might mean setting new boundaries, prioritizing self care, or reaching out for professional help. It’s about personal growth as much as it is about the relationship. Learning to understand your own needs, communicate openly, and respect each other’s limits. Healing takes effort from both partners, and it’s built on mutual understanding and a willingness to change.

Remember, breaking free from toxicity doesn’t always mean ending the relationship. Sometimes, it means transforming it into something healthier and more supportive. By committing to open communication, respect, and ongoing self-improvement, you can create a relationship that brings joy and well-being to both of your lives.

What to Do Tonight

1. Check your safety first. If you are afraid of what your partner will do, skip this list and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or 911 if you are in danger now.
2. Write down your 1-2-3 step. Finish three lines from your last fight: “When they… I told myself… so I…” Just yours.
3. Agree on a pause signal that means “I’m flooding, I need five minutes, and I’m coming back.”
4. Say the shared sentence if things get tense: “I think we are both hurting right now.”
5. Don’t relitigate the content. Tonight is for reconnecting, not deciding who was right.

Frequently Asked Questions About Toxic Relationships

Can a toxic relationship become healthy again?

Yes. Most relationships that people describe as “toxic” are actually severely distressed relationships trapped in a negative cycle. With the right therapeutic support (particularly Emotionally Focused Therapy, which has a 75% recovery rate for distressed couples), these relationships can not only become healthy but can develop a level of intimacy and security that surpasses what the couple had even in their best times. The key factors are: both partners are willing to engage, there is no active abuse, and you’re working with a therapist trained in evidence-based attachment work.

How long does it take to fix a toxic relationship?

There’s no universal timeline, but most couples in our practice begin to see meaningful shifts within 8 to 20 sessions. The first phase (understanding the cycle) often produces noticeable relief within the first few sessions, because both partners start to feel seen and understood rather than blamed. The deeper work (vulnerable sharing and emotional bonding) typically unfolds over several months. Full transformation of the dynamic usually takes 6 to 12 months of consistent work.

What if my partner won’t go to therapy?

This is one of the most common concerns I hear. A few thoughts: First, individual therapy for yourself is always an option and can be extremely valuable. Understanding your own attachment patterns and triggers gives you more agency in the dynamic, even without your partner’s participation. Second, sometimes one partner starting therapy creates a shift in the system that eventually draws the other partner in. Third, you might reframe the invitation. Instead of “We need therapy because something is wrong with us,” try something like, “I want us to have something extraordinary. I think we’re capable of it, and I’d love to explore that with some help.”

Is it normal for a good relationship to feel toxic sometimes?

Absolutely. Every couple has a negative cycle. Every couple has moments (or seasons) where the cycle takes over and things feel really bad. The difference between a healthy relationship and a chronically distressed one isn’t the absence of conflict or reactivity. It’s the presence of repair. Healthy couples have a way of coming back to each other after disconnection. Distressed couples don’t (yet). The cycle itself is normal. Getting stuck in it without repair is what creates the “toxic” feeling.

Can you fix a toxic relationship without couples therapy?

You can improve it. Education about attachment, understanding your cycle, and developing awareness of your triggers can all make a meaningful difference. But the deepest transformation (the kind where your attachment bond itself gets rewired) typically requires the safety and guidance of a skilled third party. It’s very difficult to be fully vulnerable with your partner while simultaneously managing your own fear response. A therapist holds the space so that both of you can focus on the emotional work.

My partner says I’m the toxic one. Are they right?

This is a painful position to be in. Here’s what I’d say: in a distressed relationship, both partners almost always contribute to the negative cycle. If your partner is labeling you as “the toxic one,” it may be because your protective behaviors are more visible (for example, pursuers tend to look “worse” on the surface because their reactivity is louder). But that doesn’t mean you’re the problem. It means your particular survival strategy is more externally obvious. In a healthy therapeutic process, both partners come to see that they’re co-creating the dynamic, and the focus shifts from blame to understanding.

What’s the difference between toxic and abusive?

In the framework I use, a “toxic” relationship is one where both partners are in significant distress. Both are hurting, both are reactive, and both would prefer things to be different. An abusive relationship has a fundamentally different power structure: one partner is systematically using fear, control, or harm to dominate the other. In an abusive dynamic, the goal is power. In a distressed (“toxic”) dynamic, the goal is connection, but the strategies being used are counterproductive. If you’re unsure whether your relationship is abusive, please consult with a professional or contact thehotline.org.

Can toxic relationships cause PTSD?

Yes. Chronic relational distress can create symptoms that mirror PTSD: hypervigilance, emotional flashbacks, difficulty trusting, sleep disturbance, and emotional numbing. This is sometimes called “relational trauma” or “complex PTSD” (C-PTSD). Even after the relationship ends (or improves), these symptoms can persist and may require their own therapeutic attention. The good news is that relational wounds can be healed in relationships, whether with a therapist, a partner, or both.

How do I stop repeating toxic relationship patterns?

The patterns repeat because they’re driven by your attachment system, which operates largely outside of conscious awareness. To stop the repetition, you need to: (1) understand your attachment style and how it shows up in relationships, (2) become aware of your specific triggers and survival responses, (3) learn to regulate your nervous system when triggered (so you can respond rather than react), and (4) practice vulnerability in a safe relational context. This is deep work, and it’s most effective with the support of a therapist who understands attachment.

Is jealousy a sign of a toxic relationship?

Jealousy is a normal human emotion that arises from attachment insecurity. Everyone experiences it to some degree. Jealousy becomes problematic when it drives controlling behavior (monitoring your partner’s phone, forbidding friendships, demanding constant reassurance) or when it becomes a chronic state rather than an occasional feeling. In most cases, jealousy in a relationship is a signal that the attachment bond feels insecure, not that the relationship is “toxic.” The answer isn’t to suppress the jealousy but to address the underlying attachment insecurity, ideally together.

Can you love someone and still have a toxic relationship with them?

This might be the most important question on this list. Yes. Absolutely, unequivocally yes. In fact, love is usually the very reason the relationship feels toxic. You don’t fight this hard, hurt this much, or feel this desperate over someone who doesn’t matter to you. The intensity of the distress is almost always proportional to the depth of the attachment. Your love for each other is not the problem. The cycle you’re trapped in is the problem. And cycles can change.

What role does social media play in toxic relationship dynamics?

Social media can amplify relationship distress in several ways. First, it creates unrealistic comparison: when you’re in the middle of a painful fight and then see another couple’s curated highlight reel on Instagram, it makes your relationship feel even more broken. Second, social media has popularized a simplistic vocabulary (“narcissist,” “gaslighting,” “toxic”) that encourages people to diagnose their partners rather than understand them. Third, for anxiously attached partners, social media can become a source of additional triggers (who liked whose photo, who your partner follows, how long they’ve been online). If your relationship is in distress, reducing social media consumption (especially relationship advice content) can actually help by removing a source of comparison, oversimplification, and additional triggering.

How do I know if I need individual therapy or couples therapy?

Both have value, and they serve different purposes. Couples therapy addresses the dynamic between you and your partner: the cycle, the attachment bond, the way you trigger and respond to each other. Individual therapy addresses your personal attachment history, your trauma, and your own emotional regulation. If your relationship is in active distress, I generally recommend starting with couples therapy (assuming both partners are willing and it’s safe to do so) because the relationship is the primary site of the wound, and it can also be the primary site of healing. Individual therapy is an excellent supplement, and it’s the right starting point if your partner isn’t willing to attend, if there are safety concerns, or if you’re processing trauma that needs individual attention first.

Can toxic relationships be fixed if only one partner is trying?

One partner can start the change, but can’t finish it alone. When you stop pouring gasoline on the fire, the system has to adjust, and that sometimes draws the other partner in. If months pass and your partner refuses any part of the work, that is important information, not proof you failed.

Can couples counseling fix an unhealthy relationship?

Very often, yes. An emotionally focused therapist helps you see the cycle you co-create, slow it down, and reach for each other from vulnerability instead of reactivity. It works best when both of you will look at your own part and there is no abuse.

Is it safe to try couples therapy if there is abuse?

Generally no. When one partner uses fear, control, or violence, joint sessions can put the other at greater risk. Start with individual support and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233).

Final Thoughts

If you’ve read this far, you’re looking for something real. Not a listicle. Not a quick fix. Not someone to tell you that your partner is the problem and you should “just leave.”

You’re looking for the truth about your relationship. And the truth is usually more nuanced, more hopeful, and more challenging than pop psychology wants you to believe.

Most “toxic” relationships are not toxic at all. They are two people who love each other deeply, who are terrified of losing that love, and whose protective strategies have escalated to the point where the relationship feels unbearable.

The cycle is the enemy. Not your partner. Not you. The cycle.

And cycles can change. I have watched it happen hundreds of times. Couples who came into my office ready to quit, who couldn’t look at each other, who hadn’t touched in months, who said things they never thought they’d say. And I have watched those same couples reach for each other. Hold each other. Love each other in the places they’d always longed to be loved.

It doesn’t happen by accident. It doesn’t happen through willpower alone. It happens through understanding your cycle, accessing the vulnerability underneath your protective strategies, and allowing your partner to show up for you in ways that change the wiring of your nervous system.

That’s not just “fixing” a toxic relationship. That’s transforming it into one of the most powerful sources of healing in your life.

Your relationship is too important to reduce to a label. It deserves the full picture. And so do you.

If you’re ready for in-person help in the Bay Area, Empathi’s San Francisco couples therapy practice offers Emotionally Focused Therapy with Fiachra “Figs” O’Sullivan, LMFT and Teale Taxis, LMFT.

Related reading: How to Tell If You’re in a Toxic Relationship

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