Let me sit with you in this for a second, because the fact that you’re asking this question matters. Most people who stonewall don’t even know they’re doing it. They just call it “needing space” or “being calm” while their partner is falling apart. So the fact that you can see it and name it? That’s actually the beginning.
Here’s what I want you to understand about stonewalling. It’s not a character flaw. It’s not cruelty. It’s a survival strategy that your nervous system developed because at some point, going quiet was the safest thing you could do. The problem is, what kept you safe once is now keeping you walled off from the person you love most.
In my office, I use the image of someone at the bottom of a well. When the tension rises and you go quiet, I don’t think you’re being cold. I think you’re down in that well, consumed by some version of “I’m going to make this worse. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m failing here.” And because that feeling is so unbearable, the wall goes up. The silence comes down. And from the outside, your partner sees someone who doesn’t care. But that’s not what’s happening inside, is it?
So here’s the actual work, and I won’t pretend it’s easy. The way out of stonewalling is not to “stay calm” or “manage your emotions better.” Those are surface-level fixes. The real move is to say the thing underneath the wall. Not “I need space.” But the actual truth: “I’m scared I’m going to make this worse. I’m not leaving you when I go quiet. I am terrified.”
That’s what I call withdrawer softening, and it’s one of the bravest things a person can do in a relationship. Because instead of retreating into the cave to survive the shame, you reach a hand out from the dark and let your partner see what’s actually happening in there.
And here’s what I’ve watched happen, over and over, in my office. When someone does that, when they stop projecting that wall of silence and say “here is the part of me you have never seen,” something shifts. The pursuing partner stops experiencing an uncaring wall. They suddenly see someone who is devastated inside. And instead of escalating, they can reach across and say “I’m here. I’m not giving up on you.”
That’s the moment two people stop fighting each other and start protecting each other. You can’t get there through better conflict management techniques. You get there through the terrifying, tender truth underneath the silence.
So start small. Next time you feel yourself shutting down, you don’t have to have a whole conversation. You can just say: “I’m going quiet right now and I don’t want to. I’m scared.” That’s enough. That’s the hand reaching out of the well.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Stonewalling in Relationships: What Your Partner’s Silence Actually Means
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