Let me be honest with you right now, sitting across from you: this is one of the hardest questions I get asked in my office. And the reason it’s so hard is that the answer you’re looking for – the one that would give you certainty – doesn’t exist in words. It exists in behavior, over time.
Here’s what I’ve learned after sixteen years of working with couples who are trying to survive infidelity.
A performed apology wants to move on before you are healed.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
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Ask Figlet about whether their apology counts.
Sorry is not a destination. It’s a direction.
A person who is truly sorry is moving toward you, consistently, even when it’s uncomfortable for them. A person who performed an apology wants to put it behind them. Those are two completely different experiences, and your nervous system knows the difference, even when your mind is confused.
Here’s what I look for clinically:
Do they tolerate your pain without making it about themselves? This is huge. When you’re sad, angry, or triggered, does your partner stay present with that? Or do they get defensive, shut down, or remind you that they already apologized? A genuinely remorseful partner understands that your healing has its own timeline. They don’t rush it because it’s inconvenient for them.
Do they answer your questions honestly, even painful ones? People who are truly sorry accept that you need information to rebuild trust. They don’t gaslight, minimize, or get irritated when you need to ask the same question again.
A performed apology wants to move on before you are healed.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about whether their apology counts.
Have they changed anything structurally? Real remorse produces changed behavior, not just changed words. If the conditions that allowed the betrayal to happen are still exactly the same, that tells you something important.
Do they bring it up themselves? This one surprises people. A partner who is genuinely working through their own shame will sometimes initiate the hard conversation. They won’t just wait for you to raise it.
Now here’s the thing I want you to sit with. Knowing whether they’re truly sorry is only half of what you’re actually asking. The deeper question underneath it is: can I trust this person again, and is this relationship worth rebuilding?
And that question cannot be answered by watching them. It has to be answered together, often with support.
What’s making you ask this right now?
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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