Monogamy isn’t the only way to live, but for many of us it’s the best path to the comfort, sense of belonging, and good health and longevity we deeply desire.
The human species has developed a variety of relationship styles, influenced by both biology and culture, reflecting the diversity of our social behavior and mating systems.
A polyamorous relationship can provide those things, but it also dramatically ups the ante for those scary feelings we all experience when wounded in love. By being deeply vulnerable to more than one person, the possibilities for suffering increases. Engaging in sexual activities or sexual relationships with multiple partners is not necessarily synonymous with forming deep emotional bonds or exclusive pair bonds. So for those of us who already have enough of a challenge working through our emotions with a single partner, it can be too overwhelming to make polyamory work.
Thanks to that little ol’ evolutionary adaptation called LOVE, you’re hard-wired to vigilantly assess the quality of connection between you and the person you feel most bonded to. If that loved one seems unavailable, literally or emotionally, you’ll experience biologically-driven, unstoppable feelings of vulnerability, be it within monogamy or polyamory or all the shades of grey in between. ‘Tis just the way we’re built. Pair bonding and social behavior are rooted in our nervous system and physical bodies, providing a biological basis for attachment and emotional connection.
Is there anything more comforting than belonging so completely within a securely bonded relationship of commitment, availability, responsiveness, and emotional engagement? Ethical non monogamy and open relationship are alternative relationship styles that, like polyamory, require clear communication and boundaries to navigate the complexities of multiple partners.
Our ability to emotionally bond with another is an integral part of who we are and played a huge role in ensuring we survived as a species. When Mom emotionally bonds with Baby, Baby’s chance of survival improves; so in order to survive, Baby seeks emotional and physical bonding with Mom (our first primary other). Makes sense, right? We also developed the ability for romantic love so Dad sticks around to protect Mom and Baby from predators and competing males.
So yeah, our need for love runs deep, and you need it today just as much as you did when you were a wee little baby. From an early age, human beings are socialized to value certain relationship styles, and sexual preferences and the idea of monogamy being natural are shaped by both biology and culture. If you’ve ever felt like you might die without it, you weren’t being overly dramatic — it’s awful when you feel that love is in short supply.
When I was in a polyamorous relationship and my primary partner shared her unrelenting desire to connect emotionally and sexually with an ex-lover, it broke me to pieces. I felt heartbroken, rejected, and powerless. Of course within the agreements of our relationship, it was her right to follow her longing, and my job to process the resulting pain, which I did while sobbing in the arms of my friends.
Learn to recognize the counterfeit coinsthat may buy you just a moment of pleasure, But then drag you for days Like a broken man Behind a farting camel.
–Cast All Your Votes for Dancing, Hafiz
Mind you, I’m genuinely grateful for that experience — and it’s not because I’m a masochist. In this instance (and others), I traversed the depths of my suffering, and now as an emotionally focused couples therapist I harness these experiences to be in sync with my clients’ pain and guide them through it to the other side where the longed for experiences of connection, love, and soothing with their primary other reside.
For me polyamory was a challenging spiritual and self-developmental practice (so is fasting, meditation, social isolation, and attaching weights to your genitals in order to transcend the limits of your biological drives). If you’re ready to face your hard-wired fears and trigger them day-after-day, you’d be hard pressed to find a better practice than Polyamory to bring you to your knees to submit to your vulnerability.
But if you want some modicum of comfort during this wild and danger-ridden journey called life, then monogamy is probably for you. It ain’t perfect (spoiler alert: you won’t avoid feeling vulnerable), but it’s the best available path we have to feel connected to our primary other with as little heartache as possible. Monogamy does not always mean only one mate for life, and compulsory monogamy in some societies has been linked to promoting equal rights, especially for married couples.
I, for one, am happier on the monogamy path. My relationship serves as a secure base and emboldens me to step outside of my comfort zone professionally and personally. Today as I type away in our family’s living room I can hear my wife and toddler going bananas in the kitchen making popcorn. You know, life brings its own f’ing growth opportunities without me searching them out. I’d rather my relationship provide the love and popcorn.
“We are all longing to be loved — longing to feel safe and securely snuggled under mother nature’s security blanket (our ability to emotionally bond with another). The part of you that needs love the most is not a weak or needy part, it is actually the best part of you and the part of you that most deserves love. Be kind to yourself and others. You deserve it – we all do!”
– Figs
Mating Systems and Biology
When we look across the animal kingdom, it’s clear that there’s no single “right” way to form romantic relationships or structure sexual behavior. Mating systems are as varied as the creatures themselves, shaped by a mix of biology, environment, and, in the case of humans, cultural norms. While monogamy—one male and one female forming a long-term pair bond—often gets the spotlight in discussions about human life, it’s just one option in a much larger menu.
Among human beings, monogamous relationships are certainly common, but we’re far from being a strictly monogamous species. In fact, if you zoom out and look at human history and cultures around the world, you’ll find a fascinating array of relationship styles. Some societies have practiced polygamous relationships, where one person has multiple wives or husbands. Others have embraced serial monogamy, where individuals form a series of exclusive partnerships over their lifetime, rather than sticking with only one partner for their entire lives.
Even within modern humans, the way we approach sexual monogamy and social monogamy can differ. Some couples choose sexual exclusivity, while others negotiate relationship agreements that allow for consensual non monogamy or open relationships. Our mating system isn’t set in stone—it’s flexible, adapting to the needs and values of each human society and even each couple.
So, while monogamous marriage might be the norm in many places today, it’s important to remember that human nature is complex. Our species has experimented with a variety of ways to love, bond, and raise future generations. Whether you’re drawn to the comfort of a single partner or curious about other relationship styles, you’re participating in a long, ongoing story of human behavior and adaptation.
Thanks for reading about monogamous relationships. If you liked this please share it! It would mean a lot to me.
[Edits made May 13, 2016 for context and clarity – ed.]
Fiachra (Figs) O´Sullivan is a certified emotionally focused couples counselor and the founder of Empathi, an online coaching program for couples. As heard on NPR’s All Things Considered, Figs provides in-person couples counseling in San Francisco Inner Sunset where he lives with his wife, daughter and doodle. If you are curious about your own relationship, sign up for Empathi to take Figs´ Relationship Quiz and to get free, actionable and personalized guidance on how to feel more connected!
