Oh, I hear you. And I want you to know, the moment you said that, I already know what your life looks and feels like day to day. Because “my partner always needs to be right” is one of the most common things I hear sitting across from people in my office.
But here’s what I want to say to you first, before we get into anything else.
What you’re calling “needing to be right” is almost certainly not what’s actually happening underneath. I know that’s annoying to hear. Bear with me.
When someone in a relationship is constantly defending their position, constantly unable to concede, constantly turning things back around so they come out on top, what I’m seeing clinically is someone who is terrified of being wrong. And being wrong, for them, doesn’t feel like a small thing. It feels like annihilation. It feels like, “If I’m wrong, I’m a disappointment. I’m not enough. I’m in trouble with you.”
Remember those two core questions I talk about? “Are you there for me?” and “Am I enough for you?” The person who always needs to be right is almost always living in that second question. Every disagreement feels like a referendum on whether they’re acceptable. Whether they’re good enough. And the only way they know how to survive that terror is to win the argument.
So they’re not actually trying to dominate you. They’re trying not to collapse.
Now, that does not make it okay. I’m not asking you to just accept it and smile. Living with someone who can’t be wrong is exhausting and lonely and over time it makes you feel like you don’t exist in the relationship. Like your reality doesn’t count. Like you’re always the one who has to fold. That’s real pain and it’s valid.
But here’s what I want you to see.
When you come at them with, “You always need to be right,” even if it’s true, even if it’s completely accurate, you know what their organism hears? It hears, “You’re a disappointment. You’re not enough. You’re in trouble.” And the moment they hear that, they’re going to do the only thing they know how to do. They’re going to fight harder to be right.
You’re both getting hurt at exactly the same time and you’re both accidentally making it worse.
What I’d want to do if you were sitting across from me with your partner is help you both see the tragedy of this system. Not point the finger at the person who “needs to be right.” Because the truth is, there’s something in the dynamic between you two that is feeding this. There’s a system. There’s a dance.
The way out is not winning the argument about who’s right about being right.
The way out is one of you being brave enough to drop below the argument and say something like, “I’m not trying to tell you you’re wrong. I’m scared that my experience doesn’t matter to you.” That’s vulnerable. That’s hard. But that has a chance of landing somewhere real.
Because the moment your partner can hear that you’re scared instead of hearing that you’re attacking, there’s a possibility they don’t have to defend. And the moment they don’t have to defend, maybe they don’t need to be right anymore.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating in Your Relationship
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