Pull your chair in a little closer, because I want to speak to this directly.
When a partner lies about their past relationships, the first thing most people do is make it about the lying. And look, I get it. The lying is real. The betrayal of trust is real. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that doesn’t matter.
But here’s what I want you to sit with for a moment.
Why do people lie about their past?
Almost always, underneath that lie, is someone who is absolutely terrified of being a disappointment to you. They have a wound that says, “If you really knew me, if you really knew what happened, what I did, who I was with, how many times, whatever the details are, you would decide I’m not enough. You would leave. You would look at me the way everyone else has looked at me.”
Now, I’m not asking you to accept the lie. Please hear me on that. But I am asking you to consider that the person lying to you is probably not a fundamentally dishonest person. They are a scared person who has learned that the truth about themselves is dangerous to share.
Remember those two core questions that drive every relationship? “Are you there for me?” and “Am I enough for you?” That second one is almost certainly what’s driving the lie. They are pre-emptively managing your potential disappointment in them. They are trying to stay safe by controlling the story you have of them.
Here’s where it gets complicated for you.
Because now you’re sitting there and the question “are you there for me?” has been hit like a hammer. You thought this person was showing up honestly, and now you’re finding out they weren’t. So your wound is activated too. You’re scared. You’re hurt. And if you’re not careful, what happens next is both of you go into full protection mode and you stop being able to hear each other at all.
The lie becomes the whole story. And the fear underneath the lie, and the fear underneath your hurt, never gets to speak.
So here’s what I’d want to know if you were sitting in my office. What was the lie specifically about? How did you find out? And when you confronted them, or if you haven’t yet, what do you imagine will happen?
Because the path forward here is not just about accountability for the lie, though that matters. It’s about whether both of you can get to a place where this person can say, “I was terrified you’d leave if you knew the truth about me.” And whether you can hear that without it becoming another reason to punish them.
That’s the hard work. The same scared little animal trying not to be eaten.
The question is, can you two get safe enough with each other that the truth doesn’t feel like a death sentence to them? And can they understand that the lying, however understandable, is actually doing the opposite of what they want? It’s pushing you further away.
That’s the conversation worth having.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
