I hear you. And I want to sit with that for a second before we go anywhere else. You feel scared. That matters. That is real, and it deserves to be taken seriously.
Let me be honest with you about a few things at once, because I think you deserve the full picture.
First, the non-negotiables. If your partner is physically threatening you, blocking you from leaving a room, controlling you financially, or using their voice in a way that makes you fear for your safety, that is not something I would ever ask you to work through in a relationship system. That is a safety issue, full stop. Those things are definitively not acceptable under any circumstances. So if any of that is happening, the conversation is different, and I want you to know that clearly.
But let me also talk about what might be happening if we’re in a different kind of territory. Because sometimes what’s going on is this: your partner hits a place of deep frustration, something in them that goes all the way back, a place where they never felt heard or seen or valued, maybe as a kid, maybe for a long time. And when something in the present moment touches that wound, what comes out is a yell. A “for god’s sake.” A big, loud expression of pain.
And when that lands on you? If you have your own history of being on the receiving end of anger that was scary or dangerous, your whole nervous system goes, “Oh no. Here it is again. I have to survive this.” And so you freeze, or you placate, or you try to make it smaller. “It’s not that big a deal.”
But here’s the tragedy of that moment. When you say “it’s not that big a deal,” you have just told your partner, whose wound is already screaming that they’re not seen or valued, that their pain doesn’t count. So they escalate. And now your nervous system says, “See? I was right. It really is happening again.”
Both of you are being re-traumatized in the same moment. And neither of you is being loved.
That does not make the yelling okay. Your fear is completely valid. Your need to feel safe is not negotiable. And you have every right to say, clearly, “I cannot be in a relationship where yelling is how we communicate.” That is your “no,” and it is yours to have.
But I also want you to know that the fear you’re feeling, as real as it is, might be living in two places at once. It might be about right now, and it might also be about something much older in you. And both of those things deserve attention.
The question I would gently ask you to sit with is this: when your partner yells, are you afraid of who they are, or are you afraid of what it reminds you of? That is not a question designed to dismiss what you’re experiencing. It is a question that might open a door.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Emotional Safety in Relationships: What It Means and How to Build It
