Oh, come here. That feeling of “am I crazy?” is one of the most painful, disorienting things a person can carry in a relationship. And I want you to know something right away: the fact that you’re asking this question tells me you’re probably not crazy at all.
Let me tell you what I think is actually happening.
When you feel like you’re crazy, what’s usually going on underneath is you’re trying to make sense of two things that contradict each other. Part of you is saying “something is wrong here, I’m hurting, this isn’t okay.” And then your partner, whether they mean to or not, is sending you a message that your experience doesn’t add up. That your reaction is too big. That you’re the problem.
And that is a very, very specific kind of pain.
Here’s what I know from sitting with couples for sixteen years. There are usually two deep wounds dancing around in every relationship. One person is asking, in some way, “are you really here for me?” And the other person is asking “am I enough, am I acceptable, or am I too much?” When those two wounds collide without anyone understanding what’s actually happening, the person asking “are you here for me?” can start to look irrational, too sensitive, too much. And then they start to believe it.
I actually had a moment in one of my sessions where someone heard their partner finally acknowledge “yes, I have been disappointed in you, I have been reactive” and they said, and I’ll never forget this, “it’s like someone saying I’m not crazy.” Because that’s exactly what it feels like when you’ve been carrying a real experience that keeps getting questioned.
So before we go any further, I want to ask you something. When you say your partner makes you feel crazy, what does that actually look like? Is it that they tell you your feelings are too big? That they explain away your experience? That they get so defended when you bring something up that suddenly you’re the one apologizing?
Because the answer to that shapes everything.
Maybe they’re doing what I call “reality revision” – where they remember conversations completely differently than you do. Maybe they’re dismissing your concerns as “you always” or “you never.” Maybe they’re so conflict-avoidant that they make you feel like bringing up real issues makes you the crazy one.
Here’s the thing: your reality matters. Your experience is valid. If you’re feeling crazy, something real is happening, even if it’s not what you think it is.
What I can tell you right now is this: you are not crazy. You are someone who is hurting and who has not yet been met in that hurt. Those are very different things. The work isn’t to stop feeling crazy. The work is to figure out what’s really happening between you two and whether your partner can learn to hold your reality alongside their own.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Communication Exercises for Couples (That Actually Work)
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